TranceAddict Forums (www.tranceaddict.com/forums)
- Humour / Funny Stuff / Cool Web Sites
-- Joke, joke, joke, joke and another set of jokes
Joke, joke, joke, joke and another set of jokes
A guy gets a new job and he works Tuesday to Friday, but on Monday he calls his boss and says: "I can not come in today. I'm sick." The same thing happens next week and the week after. The boss gets irritated, but he doesn't want to fire the guy, because he's really good at what he does. He calls him in his office and says to him: "Listen, I'm really happy that I've hired you, but you simply don't work on Mondays. Tell me what the problem is? Do you drink a lot, do you take drugs?" "No," replies the guy, "I don't drink at all and I don't do drugs. But my sister is married to this guy, who drinks every weekend. So when he comes home he beats her really badly. I go to visit her every Monday to make sure she's OK. She starts crying on my shoulder, one thing leads to another and then we start fucking." "You fuck your sister?" The guy replies, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
-----------------
Two drunks are extremely thirsty but they only have $1.50. They go to a store and start looking around for some cheap booze. Then one of them sees an Italian sausage for $1.45 and comes up with a brilliant idea: "Listen," he says to his friend. This is what we can do. We'll buy this sausage and I'll put it in my pants. After that we'll go into a bar and order some drinks. After we are done with the drinks I'll pull out the sausage and you start sucking on it. They'll kick us out and we won't have to pay." The other guy agrees and they go to the closest bar. They order some drinks and down them quickly. The first guy pulls out the sausage and the second one starts sucking on it. The bartender sees them and starts shouting: "What the hell are you doing, you fucking perverts!" and kicks them out. The two guys go to another bar and exactly the same thing happens. Finally, after being to about 20 bars, one of the guys says: "Hey, all this drinking made me hungry. Let's eat that sausage." "Sausage?" asks the other one, "what sausage? I ate it about 7 bars ago."
-----------------
A woman starts dating a doctor, but before long she falls pregnant. She refuses to have an abortion and when the time comes she's admitted to the doctor's hospital. The doctor says to the woman: "Listen, I know what we are going to do. Yesterday a priest was admitted with a prostate gland infection. After I operate on him I'll give him the baby and I'm going to tell him it was a miracle." The woman is a bit skeptical, but she agrees. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation, the doctor gives the baby to the priest and says to him: "Father, a miracle has happened. You gave birth to a child." The priest is shocked, but he takes the baby to his house and starts looking after him. Fifteen years later the priest thinks that it's time for the boy to know the truth. "Son," he says to him, "I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." "What do you mean you are not my father?" asks the boy. "I am not your father," replies the priest. "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."
-----------------
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in
town for a date and finally she agrees to go
out with him. He takes her to a nice
restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with
expensive wine and on the way home he pulls
over to the side of the road in a secluded
spot.
They start necking and he's getting pretty
excited. He starts to reach under her skirt
and she stops him, saying she's a virgin
and wants to stay that way.
"Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?"
"EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!" she screams.
"I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says. "What do
I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were
a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle
and spray your brother with it?"
She nods.
"Well, it's just like that."
So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and
starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head
flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot
starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of
his ear and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!"
-----------------
This is urine
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a
class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar
of yellow-coloured liquid. "This", he
explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you
have to be observant to colour, smell, sight,
and taste."
After saying this, he dipped his finger into
the jar and put it into his mouth. His class
watched on in amazement, most, in disgust.
But being the good students that they were,
the jar was passed, and one by one, they
dipped one finger into the jar and then put
it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer
shook his head. "If any of you had been
observant, you would have noticed that I put
my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger
into my mouth."
-----------------
Gone but not forgotten
Four older men stand on the first tee. Just as Ralph is about
to hit his tee shot, a funeral procession drives by. Ralph takes
off his hat and bows his head until the procession is finished.
Once the procession is over, he puts his hat back on his head
and starts to line up his shot. John and the other guys are
astonished.
John says, "Ralph, we have had a standing tee time together
for the past 10 years. We didn't know that you were such a
sentimental guy."
Ralph says, "Hell, we were married for 25 years, it's the least
I could do."
-----------------
A tough case was being argued in court. The
defence attorney, feeling that he was in
trouble, sent the judge a bottle of hundred
year old brandy.
The defendant said to his Attorney. "The
judge'll kill me. Trying to bribe him!
We're dead!"
"I don't think so," his attorney told him.
"I sent it in the other lawyer's name!"
-----------------
The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph
back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of
women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:
"Regret can not remember which one is you ... please keep your photo and return the others."
-----------------
This guy goes out to Las Vegas, and wins really big in one of the casinos. After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decides to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite. The guy goes up to the room, opens the big double doors, and steps into a three room suite. The room is nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. The guy drops his bag on money in a chair and stands looking out the windows at the city. He realizes he is all alone and needs someone to share his good fortune with. He calls down to the front desk and tells the clerk to send up one of the best high- priced call girls in the city. Thirty minutes later there's a knock on the door. The guy opens it and there is the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walks into the room. The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks, he gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself. "Now, down to business," he says, "how much for a hand job?" The hooker says, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00" "What, that's outrageous. "Come over here," She says walking toward one of the windows," see that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good. "All right, screw it, money is no object." A half hour after she's done the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself. "That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job? "Honey, a blow job is $5000.00." "What, that's outrageous." "Come over here," She says walking toward another one of the window, see that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window, "I own that, I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good. "All right, screw it, money is no object." The guy gives her $5000.00. An hour after she's done the guy is laying on the couch Head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to stand, staggers over to the bar, mixes two more drinks ,gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself. "My god that was the best blow job I have ever had, I've gotta know, How much for some pussy?" The hooker looks at him and says, " Honey if I had a pussy, I would own this whole city."
-----------------
A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there, a man in white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves. This happens a second time. The third time this happens, she says "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?" The man replied, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just a painter!"
-----------------
A man and a woman are standing in front of the male gorilla's cage. The guy: "Honey, could you please take off your jacket." The woman: "But why?" "Just do it please..." The woman takes her jacket off. "Honey, could you please take off your blouse." "Why..." "Do it please" The woman takes her blouse off. The gorilla comes closer and starts staring at the woman. "Honey, could you please take down one of your bra's strips." "Why do you want me to do that?" "Please do it - I really want to check something." The woman takes the strip down. The gorilla gets really excited and starts shaking the whole cage. "Now could you please take your bra off." The woman is puzzled but she does it. The gorilla looks at the woman's breasts and gets hysterical. The guy goes to the cage's door and opens it. The gorilla runs towards the woman. "OK honey - now try to explain to HIM that you have an headache."
-----------------
A woman says to her husband: "There is something wrong with the car. I think there's water in the carburetor." "You don't know anything about cars - how do you know there's water in the carburetor?" "I'm telling you - there's water in the carburetor!" "OK" says the husband "I'll check it out. Where's the car?" "In the pool" replies his wife.
-----------------
Two guys talking: "Does your wife scream during sex?" "Oh yes, she does!" "When does she scream louder - when you are on top or when she is on top?" "Well, to be honest, she screams louder when I wipe my dick on the curtains."
-----------------
Very old couple goes to a bar for a quiet drink. The old man says to his wife: "Do you remember the first time we made love? It was behind this very same bar. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind." "Oh yes, I remember very well" says the old woman. "How about going behind the bar and do it on the same place for old time sakes?" A guy in the bar hears their conversation and thinks: "Shit, I'm not going to miss this. They must be at least 80 years old. I'm going to follow them and see if they really are going to do it." The couple starts walking slowly around the bar, supporting themselves with walking sticks. The guy follows them, keeping a safe distance. The old woman takes her skirt and panties off; the old man drops his trousers and moves in. The old lady hangs on the fence and suddenly they erupt into the wildest sex the watching guy has ever seen. The woman is yelling "Oh God" and the old guy is moving faster than a teenager. After at least forty minutes of furious sex, the couple falls on the ground breathless. The guy, still watching in disbelieve says to himself: "I have to find out what their secret is! This was the best sex I have ever witnessed in my life." He approaches the couple and says: "Please, I'm begging you - tell me how the heck did you do that? You must be at least 80 years old and still you had the most amazing sex I have ever seen!" "There's no secret", the old man says, "except fifty years ago that fucking fence wasn't electrified."
-----------------
A guy is a big fan of the Pope. As he is about to catch a plane from Rome to New York, he finds out that the Pope will be on the same plane. The guy is really excited when he finds out that the Pope is not only on the same plane, but is seated next to him in the business class. As the flight begins, the Pope starts solving crosswords, and the guy says to himself: "Well this chance comes once in a lifetime, I really want to talk to Him. But I can't just talk about anything. I hope he needs some help with his crosswords, and asks me." And surely not even a minute later the Pope turns his head towards the guy and asks: "Son, I wonder if you can help me with my crossword. I need a four-letter word, which refers to a woman. I have the last three letters - 'unt', but I am missing the first one." The guy starts thinking hard, but all that comes to his mind is the word '****'. "There's no ways I am going to even say that word to Him!" About a minute later he says: "Aunt! It must be aunt!" The Pope turns his head towards him and says: "Yes, that must be it! Son, do you have an eraser?"
Good jokes, JP, but I think it's a bit long... It's been 12 hours since you posted them and this is the first reply 
OMG SO FUNNY
I dIE!
OMG ! Very nice, m8 !!! VERY nice... eheh. Keep posting ^^
Powered by: vBulletin
Copyright © 2000-2021, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.