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-- So you like jokes? This is the place to be!
So you like jokes? This is the place to be!
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead." 
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An old bloke in the nursing home couldn't talk. One day, while he was sitting in a chair, a nurse walked by and noticed that he was leaning to the right. She sat him upright in his chair and told him to sit still. A while later, the nurse came by again, and this time she noticed that he was leaning to the left. She straightened him up and told him again to sit still, or else he might fall out of his chair. The next time she made her rounds, she saw the old guy leaning forward, about to topple headfirst to the floor, so she tied him into the chair for his own good. Later on in the day, his daughter came to visit, and seeing her father strapped into his chair, asked him what was wrong. The old bloke handed her a note, which she unfolded and read. It said, "They won't let me fart."
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A homosexual walked into a delicatessen and asked the shopkeeper for a large knob of salami. "Would you like it sliced, sir?" the shopkeeper asked politely. "What do you think I am?" replied the fag, "...a money box!"
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A bloke was fucking his girlfriend in a park by the side of the rode when a cop car pulled up. "Just what do you think your doing?" asked the cop. The bloke looked up at the cop and replied, "I'm fucking my girlfriend!" "Great!" says the cop. "I'm next then!" "Great" says the bloke. "I've never fucked a cop before!"
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Starting the car for the long trip back into the city, Mick and Dave said their final good-byes to their good mate, Gazza. "Thanks for puttin' us up for the weekend, mate", said Mick. "The food was great, the booze and dope were superb, and I really enjoyed fuckin' your wife". At the first petrol stop, Dave turned to Mick and said, "I hope you weren't serious about enjoying fuckin' his wife!" "No", Mick confessed, "I can't say that I enjoyed it, but I didn't want to hurt Gazza's feelin's".
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A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. "I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company. "Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head. "You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better inn my life.' Is that the case?" "Yeah, but�" stammered the farmer. "A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly. "Yes," Replied the farmer. Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said. "Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, mate, what the hell would you have said to him?"
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A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?" "I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."
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This bloke was pissed as a tick, lying in the gutter outside the local, when this frog hops past. The bloke grabs the frog, looks it straight in the eye. and says: "You turd of a frog - I'm gonna stick my finger up you arse till it comes outta your mouth, then I'm gonna tear your legs off, then piss down your throat." Now the bloke didn't' know it, but the local cop was standing right behind him, listening to every word he was saying. "Listen, mate," says the cop. "Anything you do to that frog, I'm going to do to you." The bloke just smiled at the cop, looked at the frog and said, "Well, I guess this is your lucky day, froggy - 'cause I'm gonna lick your arse!"
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A woman is shopping for a bra, but she has an unusual problem. One of her breasts is much longer than the other one. The lingerie saleslady notices her customer's deformity and says, "I notice one of your breasts is longer than the other. How did that happen?" "To be honest with you," says the shopper, "my husband can't sleep unless he has my breast in his mouth. That explains why one is so much longer than the other." "How odd," says the clerk, "my husband does the exact same thing but my breasts are the same size." "Yeah," says the shopper, "but I bet you don't sleep in twin beds."
Re: So you like jokes? This is the place to be!
Keep posting, JP, these are great 
| quote: |
| Originally posted by jploveparade "Great" says the bloke. "I've never fucked a cop before!" ----------------- The bloke just smiled at the cop, looked at the frog and said, "Well, I guess this is your lucky day, froggy - 'cause I'm gonna lick your arse!" |
omg those were hillarious. i found the frog joke a bit disturbing though
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