TranceAddict Forums (www.tranceaddict.com/forums)
- Chill Out Room
-- Sexual Assault, #MeToo, and protecting friends from themselves
Pages (2): [1] 2 »

Sexual Assault, #MeToo, and protecting friends from themselves

This might be a long one, but there is quite a bit of backstory, so bear with me.

A friend of mine, let's call him Dave, has had a rough year and a half or so. He's one of my good buddies, stood next to me at my wedding, and we have been friends for 12 years now. I'm not quite sure what direction he is taking his life. He is making a lot of confusing decisions and I'd like some insight on how I can help.

Dave dated a girl, let's call her Karen, for a couple years back around like '13-'16. They were a very cute couple, lots of long-time mutual friends and they had a seemingly healthy relationship. But they broke up abruptly one day, and it was a mystery as to why until a friend and I cornered Dave at a party (when we were all very lubricated) and forced him to tell us why. He is kind of an introverted guy, he doesn't talk much about his feelings or anything, but he reluctantly told us "She was boring and I was an asshole." We could see that she was interested in settling down, getting a house, moving towards marriage, etc. And at some point, he must have hit the PANIC button and evacuated from that relationship. Dave wanted to continue somewhat of a party lifestyle and even though he told me he wants a marriage/family eventually, now wasn't the time. Fine. Whatever. Mistake imo, but who am I to judge, it's his life.

So after Dave broke up with Karen, he starts getting bored in his daily routine. Work, home, drink, jerk off, sleep, repeat. He's drinking and partying a lot, just like he wanted, but it's getting kind of degenerate. He, inspired by a movie or reddit post or some other nonsense, quits his job, sells his condo, and leaves the country to go backpacking across Thailand. We hold a going away party for him because from the sound of it, he's going to be gone for like 6 months. He quickly gets homesick and he flies back to the States within 3 weeks. So much for that. So he moves back in with his parents and finds a new job doing web development. He's lucky he's a programmer and that they are in such high demand, because it's not easy to just leave a comfortable salary behind and pick back up where you left off.

After the return, he continues where he was, picking up the habit of smoking cigarettes, drinking a lot, and partying. I had lunch with him recently and he didn't look or sound great. Sounded a bit depressed and a little uncertain of what he was doing. Thinking everything was fine, he continues forward but he drops the smoking habit (so he says).

Now recently, at a party, he hooks up with a girl who is in a big group of mutual friends (I'm talking 50+ people, we are all in a Google Group Chat as well). They are having sex, and she asks him to use a condom. They take a quick break, as people often do during sex, comes back to continue and he has, unbeknownst to her, removed the condom. She suspects something is wrong, he tells her that he thought she knew, and she gets angry and leaves. In the next couple days, she airs out all their dirty laundry for the entire group chat to read. "Dave sexually assaulted me by taking off his condom without my knowledge. I have now had to take Emergency Contraception and it is throwing off my body chemistry. I am inspired by all the recent strong women in the #MeToo movement to expose Dave for his sexual assault. I do not wish him harm, but I refuse to stay silent." In a moment of humiliation, Dave owns up to his mistake and tells the group and the girl he assaulted that he was sorry and it was poor judgement on his part.

Lots to unpack here, so if you guys don't mind, I'd like some help figuring out what to do. This is my long time buddy who has clearly fucked up, and has lost his way. A departure from a lot of people's life crises, he is not hopelessly addicted to drugs or alcohol, but he did make a series of bonehead moves which has put him in a position where his entire friend group will never look at him the same way again, and I feel that it is my duty as a close friend to help set him back on a better path. I'm no matchmaker and I can't find him a good girl to date, but by the same token, I think it would be helpful if he was in a fulfilling relationship. Unfortunately he was in that very situation and discarded it for rather poor reasoning in my opinion.

We are getting a beer this Friday and I want to approach it like a good friend would. I'm going to avoid admonishing him for his mistake and telling him how disappointed I am, even if that's how I really feel. Instead I want to try to get his side of the story, pick his brain and see how he feels about his last few years, and get an understanding of where he wants to go from here. I'd also like to encourage him to drop his habit of attempting to stay friends with ex-girlfriends and specifically the giant group of friends who now know that he sexually assaulted one of their own.

Any thoughts from the c0r? Was his act sexual assault? Where can Dave try to improve his life? Any advice from someone who has been there?

I wouldn�t call it sexual assault, it be similar to lying about not having an std. Basically violating the trust of a sexual partner and putting them at risk so you can get what you want. Whether it rises to the level of a criminal act it�s a really serious violation. Finding the proper word would be an excercise in semantics. He is a straight up asshole.

I think your history and emotions are coloring your judgement. I get it he is your friend but based on the info you have given us he is unworthy of your help.

Go ahead and give your advice but honestly someone who is that lost is not going to make a difference. It be akin to giving Trump advice. Maybe if he hits rock bottom he can have an epiphany. I doubt telling someone that is so deeply rooted and fundamental as character can be imparted.

He sounds like a total cunt. Deliberately taking your condom off in a sneaky way mid-sex is a completely inexcusable, grade-A dickhead move. I can only assume he did it out of complete selfishness, but imagine if he'd got her pregnant. Whatever your thoughts on abortion, it'd be a horrible position to put someone in just because you wanted slightly more sensation during a random shag. I can't see any other side of the story that could justify such behaviour.

I'm sure he's got some deep-rooted complex or neurosis that's throwing his life off track, but nothing is an excuse for the above. Everyone's got their demons. You can ruin your own life all you want, but don't fuck with someone else's.

quote:

Originally posted by Jon_Snow Basically violating the trust of a sexual partner and putting them at risk so you can get what you want.

Which is no doubt sexual assault, correct? The sex is consensual provided that he wears a condom, and when it is removed without her knowledge, the sex is no longer consensual. Breaking trust during sex is a very delicate situation. I think it fits the very definition of sexual assault. There is a point to make that she should have paid more attention to her own domain and not allowed unprotected penetration but the responsibility falls on him to uphold his initial promise that he would stay protected.

Cunt, asshole, definitely. That is why I am so disappointed. It is difficult to lose a friend of so many years and I would be remiss if I didn't at least attempt to salvage whatever remains to try and get him back to the funny, happy go lucky guy that I remember back in college and afterwards. If I go into a discussion with him treating him like I'm his dad or something, he's very unlikely to consider any of the points I make, so that's why I want to try and frame it as if I'm coming to him as a caring friend who is concerned about him.

Is everybody under the impression that he is beyond help?

quote:

Originally posted by ziptnf Is everybody under the impression that he is beyond help?

No, but he needs to be willing to put in the effort to help himself, as well, if he wants to make a change. I think approaching him as a caring friend is a good idea.

quote:

Originally posted by AlphaStarred No, but he needs to be willing to put in the effort to help himself, as well, if he wants to make a change. I think approaching him as a caring friend is a good idea.

My thought too. And I think if you don't give it a try you might regret it later. Instead of telling him what to do ask questions and let him give the answers.

Can you post a pic of this girl.....?

Oh boy, something juicy to read while I'm breastfeeding!

Also, did he bust a nut inside her?

If he didn't, claiming it was "sexual assault" when the sex was consensual (even though what he did was fucked up and sneaky) is pretty fucking grimy on her part, as well, imo.

quote:

Originally posted by AlphaStarred Also, did he bust a nut inside her? If he didn't, claiming it was "sexual assault" when the sex was consensual (even though what he did was fucked up and sneaky) is pretty fucking grimy on her part, as well, imo.

Ever heard of pre-cum?

quote:

Originally posted by AlphaStarred Also, did he bust a nut inside her? If he didn't, claiming it was "sexual assault" when the sex was consensual (even though what he did was fucked up and sneaky) is pretty fucking grimy on her part, as well, imo.

Whether or not he decided to release inside her he without a doubt breached the contract in one of the worst ways possible. If there's something that can take the joy out of casual sex, it's the possibility to catch something (no offense to Dave) or having to worry about contraception after the act itself. Busting half a nut's enough in most cases, you know. I just wish she would've handled it a bit differently. Announcing it to which I assume is most of his friends seems perhaps a bit overkill.

Can anyone quantify precisely how much of a nut was busted?

Fair points. Hopefully she didn't get pregnant. I'm slightly curious though, did she leave him with blue balls or did he actually bust a nut?

We need a graph of proportionality regarding the percentage of nut bustery.

quote:

Originally posted by Scoops Can you post a pic of this girl.....?

Oh this is great too. I literally had made fun of her to a group chat between me, Dave, and another friend because of the makeup she was wearing in a Facebook post THAT EVENING. Then Dave goes and barebacks her.

Looking like Heath Ledger or some shit. Casket ready.

* removed picture for reasons - she looked hideous in the pic though *

^�- wow if the Joker had a wife

quote:

Originally posted by Scoops Can you post a pic of this girl.....?

The cor never lets me down

I'm not really sure about his nut bustery. I'm sure I will find out on Friday. Regardless of her looks or the status of his ejaculate, what he did was still wrong and I'd like to know how he can right his ship.

Ask him if she took it up the poop chute, as well.

You ever see the �two face� Seinfeld episode

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TFeUrC2gR30

but she might not have a good face

Dave sounds like me in 3-5 years minus the raw dogging and the programming cushioning.

You didn't even high-five him?

Re: Sexual Assault, #MeToo, and protecting friends from themselves

quote:

Originally posted by ziptnf Was his act sexual assault?

It's called stealthing, and it depends on the legislation of the state you live in, I guess. It is a crime in Wisconsin, New York, and California. And, yeah, it's a "trend", apparently, and one that has been described as sexual assault quite frequently.

quote:

Originally posted by ziptnf Where can Dave try to improve his life?

The main question is... Does he want to improve his life? He could just want to get rid of this problem (even if he genuinely regrets it) and keep partying.

I'd think of Dave as a friend who's dealing with a DUI. Some people use the opportunity to take a long hard look at themselves and sort it out. Some others, however, may blame the circumstances, only to make a similar mistake again and again. I've seen drunk drivers nearly lose their lives and vow never to touch a beer again, only to make the same mistakes down the road.

If he realises he "stepped on the ball", as we say in Portuguese, and he needs to get his act together, I'd recommend telling him he needs professional help. That's what they're for. You sound like a great friend, Nick, and you can be there for him, but you can only do so much. You can't deal with his demons on your own, and there's always the possibility he'll turn against you if you try to help him out.

If, however, he thinks it's a one off, and it won't happen again even if he doesn't change his lifestyle, what can you do? That's the path he chose when he ditched Karen, and I'm afraid there would be nothing for you to do other than hope for the best.

Either way, I'm really sorry to hear that

I came up with a nick name for your friend...

RAW DAWG

No that name is taken, I am the original Raw Dawg. And you're gay IGK, and probably
a pedophile.

Re: Re: Sexual Assault, #MeToo, and protecting friends from themselves

quote:

Originally posted by Lira It's called stealthing, and it depends on the legislation of the state you live in, I guess. It is a crime in Wisconsin, New York, and California. And, yeah, it's a "trend", apparently, and one that has been described as sexual assault quite frequently.

I had only paraphrased her statement to our group, she actually mentioned that Dave "stealthed" her. It was a term I had never heard before and after seeing your post, I followed up with these bills that Wisconsin, California, and New York legislators introduced and was unable to find any proof that they had been signed into law. So technically it is not a sex crime (yet) in those states. I definitely think stealthing should be labeled as sexual assault, if not explicitly a sex crime. Perhaps the punishment of being labeled a sex offender for the rest of one's life is borderline harsh for an act like stealthing, but there is certainly a case to be made for it.

quote:

The main question is... Does he want to improve his life? He could just want to get rid of this problem (even if he genuinely regrets it) and keep partying. I'd think of Dave as a friend who's dealing with a DUI. Some people use the opportunity to take a long hard look at themselves and sort it out. Some others, however, may blame the circumstances, only to make a similar mistake again and again. I've seen drunk drivers nearly lose their lives and vow never to touch a beer again, only to make the same mistakes down the road.

I can only hope that he actually takes my concerns seriously, and not just repeatedly say "I know, I know" as we go over his screw ups and things he can do to improve, again like I'm his dad or something. I'm worried that he's not going to view his last year as an anomaly, or at the very least a significant departure from his previous self. Just that he screwed up and stealthed a chick. I am also concerned that he is going to blame the alcohol and make an excuse that because he was drunk, he didn't consider the repercussions. To me, if that isn't enough to re-evaluate yourself, you are no friend of mine.

quote:

If he realises he "stepped on the ball", as we say in Portuguese, and he needs to get his act together, I'd recommend telling him he needs professional help. That's what they're for. You sound like a great friend, Nick, and you can be there for him, but you can only do so much. You can't deal with his demons on your own, and there's always the possibility he'll turn against you if you try to help him out.

I will certainly recommend professional help if he can't come to terms with his mistakes. If he chooses not to take it, that is a choice he will have to make.

quote:

If, however, he thinks it's a one off, and it won't happen again even if he doesn't change his lifestyle, what can you do? That's the path he chose when he ditched Karen, and I'm afraid there would be nothing for you to do other than hope for the best.

That is what I'm most afraid of, him just brushing it off as a mistake he made while he was drunk and continuing to live his life the way he has been. Hopefully he surprises me with some well thought out steps to take towards a more productive future.

Powered by: vBulletin
Copyright © 2000-2021, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.