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-- Jokes part 81
Jokes part 81
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave a nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"
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A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door.
When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed, "Get the hell away!"
Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case. Sure enough, the next day the same man returned.
The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, "Yes!"
The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep the hell away from my wife!"
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An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
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These three guys are sitting at a bar arguing which one has the
ugliest wife. The conversation begins to get heated to the point
of the barkeeper telling them to get the hell out or shut up! In
fact he says, "Why don't you settle it once and for all and just
visit each others houses and decide for yourselves..."
Damn Good idea they agree, so they finish their drinks and make
off for the first guys house. Upon arriving he bangs on his door
and the wife answers, she's not pretty and he turns to collect
the bet from the other two.
Not so fast says the second, I got that beat. And off they go to
his house... He bangs on the door and his wife comes to answer.
As the door opens all three step back in fright, she's damn ugly.
He asks to collect the bet but the third guy says, "Sorry I've
got you both beat.
They go to his house and walk right in, there's no sign of anyone
around. He stomps his foot on the trap door in the floor and they
hear this voice say,
"Is that you honey?"
"Yeah it's me," he says.
"Do you want me to come out?" she asks
"Yes please," he says.
"Should I put the bag on my head?" she asks.
He says, "No. I don't want to screw you, I just want to show you
off!"
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A guy is driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying "Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up. He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?" The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one." So the man takes a bite out of
the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples."
The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims "Son of a gun - jelly!" The man says, "These apples are great - give
me some." He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each." Again, he pulls over, goes ! to the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?"
The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one." The guy takes a bite and exclaims, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy then says, "Let me guess - I have to turn it around." The farmer says "You got it." The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again the man says, "These apples are great - give me some."
Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each." The guy really wants to see what's up with
these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, "What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?"
The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one."
The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This apple tastes like shit."
The farmer says, "Turn it around!" 
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A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and
once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins.
One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement.
"Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the
scene, what happened?"
"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the
mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his
pocket and light up."
"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator
said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the
company?"
"About 20 years, sir"
"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a
match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have
been the last thing he'd have done."
"It was, sir."
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A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city
kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids
to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound.
"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.
Cindy put her hand up and said, "Moooo!"
"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound does a sheep
make?"
"Baaaa!" answered Jimmy.
She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound
does a pig make?"
All the hands in the class went up. She chose Little Johnny
at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath,
and screamed, "Up against the wall, mother f#*&^r!"
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A few days before John married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis to
show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible; when
deflated, it read Wy. After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their
honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with John's "special emblem of devotion."
Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of
the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing optional beach.
As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked John if he'd bring her a
cold drink.He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the
bartender, who was also naked, for two pina coladas. John tried not to stare,
but he noticed that the bartender also had "Wy" tattooed on his penis. "Hey,"
John said and smiled, "what a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be named
Wendy." "Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed. "Mine
say................ "WELCOME TO JAMAICA. ENJOY YOUR STAY."
LOL definateyl some good ones there! 
rofl
best ones in a while JP
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