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-- Jokes part 95

Posted by jp on Dec-28-2002 16:00:

Jokes part 95

In this age of safe sex the need for condoms are a must but some people still have a difficult time buying them. Take my friend, Joe. Our local store carries condoms behind the counter and you need to ask the salesperson to get them.

So Joe went up to the salesperson, but he was so nervous he could only ask where the straws were. So he bought the straws and left only to have to come back to buy his condoms.

Again Joe came into the store and was still so nervous he could only ask where the tweezers were, so he bought a pair of tweezers and left.

Joe once again had to go back and buy his condoms. He went up to the salesperson and said, in a low tone, "I need some condoms."

The salesperson rang up the sale and said, "First you come in to buy straws, then to buy tweezers, and now to buy condoms. What I want to know is..... are you going to suck it, pluck it, or fuck it?"

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A man took his St. Bernard to the vet and said to the vet: "my dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"

"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up by its ears & has a good look at it's yes.

"Well" says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man incredulously.

"No," the vet answers, "because he's very heavy."

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A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, -$5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00!"

The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, "Is the sign right?"

The Indian says, "yes."

The cowboy hands him a five and says, "you're on!"

The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming."

The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right!" and strolls away.

A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots.

The Indian says, "you're from Montana!"

The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away.

The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes into the mensroom, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar bill and says, "do your stuff!"

The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the Indian.

The Indian says, "You're from Arkansas!"

The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from Arkansas?"

The Indian replies, "by the wool on your zipper."

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The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."

The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."

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Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a baseball game. As the game is getting ready to start, Bill stands up, picks up Hillary, and throws her out onto the field.

When he sits down, his chief advisor leans over and says, "You know, Bill, you may have misunderstood me. I said you have to throw out the first pitch."

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John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks.

"Not really," says Mary.

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.

"No," she responds.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."

"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" John asks.

"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.

"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John

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Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."

Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I should get the job!"

The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed."

Murphy then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The manager replied, "Simple, the American put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I'."