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-- Jokes part 103

Posted by jp on Jan-03-2003 21:24:

Jokes part 103

A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law
for Sunday dinner. As he arrived at their house he
found his young nephew, Mikey, helping them bake some
cupcakes.

After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Mikey
to put the icing on. When the boy had finished, he
brought them to the table.

"The cupcakes look delicious, Mike." his uncle said.
He took a bite and said, "Mikey these are so good."

As he finished cupcake and took another, he again
complimented his little nephew. "The cupcakes look
beautiful, Mikey," his uncle said. "How did you get
the icing so neat?"

His nephew replied, "It was easy. I just licked them."

The uncle turned pale. He pointed to the plate of
cupcakes. "You licked all of these?"

Mikey replied, "Well no. After a while my tongue
got tired, and I got the dog to help."

-----------------------

"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the
obstetrician.

"Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't
get along."

-------------------------

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking,
when the subject turned to getting older. The
first guy said "Women have all the luck when it
comes to getting older."

"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.

"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember
the last time I got aroused in bed, but my wife
is healthier than ever!"

"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.

"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every
night before bed she'd get these terrible
headaches." he answered. "Now that we're older,
she hasn't had a headache in years."

---------------------

Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your
appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders
require prompt and regular attention? What's your
excuse?"

Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc."

Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you
talking about? I gave you no such order."

Patient: "You told me to avoid people who
irritate me."

--------------------------

Joe woke up one morning and looked for his wife,but his
wife wasn't there.
She had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the
kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting
up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to
his wife:

THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy.
It read:

TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY
THE MONKEY HAD A HAEMORRHAGE
NO CIRCUS TODAY.

So he sent another note down. It read:

THE TENT POLE"S STILL UP
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
SO DROP WHAT YOU"RE DOING
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD

To which she replied:

I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND
BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW
SO DO IT BY HAND !

-------------------

There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while
they were at their local bar, they got to talking about
how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos
were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo
was the coldest, so they decided to determine who
indeed had the coldest igloo.

They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said
"Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air.

Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the
floor solid. "Not bad", said the other Eskimos, but
each maintained their igloo was colder still.
So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said
"Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled,
whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell
to the floor.

"Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo.

But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.
So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said
"Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back
the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small
balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and
held a match under it.
When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

--------------------------

There were two old men who had loved baseball all of their life. They
had grown up in the same town where they played together thru grade
school, high school and then college. After college they didn't have the
skill for professional ball so they learned to be umpires in order to
stay around the game. They started in the minors and being very good
umpires soon moved on to the majors where they umpired for many years.
After they retired, they continued to umpire for youth ball like little
league. However, as they grew older and older, they started to worry
about what it would be like after they died. Would there be baseball
after death??? Finally they made a pact. The first one to die would, if
at all possible, come back immediately and tell the other about baseball
after death. Finally Joe died and went to Heaven. After much argument he
convinced St. Peter to let him return in a dream to his friend Fred and
this conversation ensued:
Joe: "Fred, I made it to heaven and I have both good news and bad news"
Fred: "Well, what is the good news"
Joe: "We don't have to worry about baseball any more. There is all kinds
up here. We can umpire from sand lot ball to the major leagues. In fact
I have 3rd base tomorrow night"
Fred: "THAT'S GREAT!! What could possibly be bad news after that?"
Joe: "You have the plate!"

Posted by Lira on Jan-04-2003 13:03:

"FFFAAAARRRTTT"