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-- some funny jokes:)

some funny jokes:)

• 
  A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she says. He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks.
  They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them-it's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.
  
  "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
  
  "Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."
  
  
• 
  A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
  The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
  
  The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''
  
  The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
  
  
  
• 
  A guy who has a really bad stutter was walking down the street one day when he bumps into an old friend.
  "It's been a long time, " says the friend, "What have you been up to?"
  
  " I a-a-almost got m-m-m-married" the man replies.
  
  "What do you mean almost?" the friend asks.
  
  "W-w-w-we were sitting on the p-p-porch, and the d-dog was s-s-scratching his back, and I said, 'H-h-honey, w-w-w-would y-y-you do that f-f-f-for me?' and she p-p-punched me out and l-l-left.
  
  "All you did was ask her to scratch your back? What's wrong with that?" inquired the friend.
  
  "W-w-well, by the time I g-g-g-got it out, he was l-l-licking his b-b-balls."
  
  
• 
  Al was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
  The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly Al decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Al soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Al. That was my cousin and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Al thought it was better to cooperate.
  
  Although he survived it would take several months before Al finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
  
  The polar bear said, "Admit it Al, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
  
  
• Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says. "Well, you"re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet. Jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say,'How about a blowjob?'...and she's always sound asleep."
  
  
• 
  At a press conference today, Tipper Gore announced that she's going back on the campaign trail with her husband, former Vice President Al Gore.
  "To prepare myself," she said, "I have shaved off all my pubic hair. "From now until the election, I shall sit on the stage with Al, and may occasionally flash my legs apart without wearing any panties. This will send a strong message to America."
  
  "What is that message?" gasped astonished reporters at the news of this rather startling announcement. To which Tipper replied, "Read my lips, no more Bush."
  
  
• 
  A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her thoroughly and told her that she could expect a complete recovery. She asked him, "How long will it be before I can resume a normal sex life again, Doctor?" The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the young woman. "What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" she asked. He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine, Miss Lewinsky. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
  
  
• 
  A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
  
  The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
  
  The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
  
  The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
  
  When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
  
  Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."
  
  
• 
  A day in Hell!
  
  
  One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...
  
  Demon: Why so glum chum?
  Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
  Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
  Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
  Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
  Guy: Gee that sounds great.
  
  Demon: You a smoker?
  Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
  Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember?
  Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
  
  Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
  Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
  Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.
  
  Demon: You into drugs?
  Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
  Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares! O.D.!!
  Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!
  Demon: You gay?
  Guy: Uh no.
  
  Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.
  

funny shit

very good

ROFL, been such a long time since i heard something as good

VERY classy collection!

LOL

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