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-- Jokes part 131

Posted by jp on Feb-23-2003 17:23:

Jokes part 131

A middle aged man walks into the bank and says to the young teller,

"I want to open a fucking checking account".

"Please sir", she replies, "we can't have language like that in here."

"Why the Fuck not?" he asked.

"Sir," Came her retort, "I must ask you to refrain from swearing."

"I don't give a shit what you want," he answers, "I just want to open a fucking checking account."

With this the teller leaves and returns in a moment with her branch manager.

The manager asks if he might be able to help the gentleman.

"Shit yes", came the reply, "I just won 14 million dollars in the lottery and want to open a fucking checking account."

The branch manager says, "I see, and this stupid, fucking, bitch is giving you a hard time?"

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A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance: A dog, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, a Star of David.

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."

Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left...... Now, look again..... It now says:

"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"

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Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter. He grew up in the old West. As a child he read everything about gunfighters he could find. His hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed of being just like his hero.

One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse and two pistols. He went home and every day he went out behind his barn, and practiced shooting. After two weeks he was getting to be quite a good shot. He decided it was time to show off.

He put on his black clothes and hat, strapped on his guns and rode into town. When he walked into the saloon, standing at the bar he saw Billy the Kidd.

He was so excited! He walked up and said, "Mr. Kidd, I am your biggest fan. I have always wanted to be just like you." "Look at me. Do I look like a gunfighter?"

Billy looked him over and said, "Well, you have the right clothes and you have a nice black hat, and I see you rode up on a black horse. But, can you shoot?"

Marvin looked around the room and said, "See that piano player over there?" He drew his pistol and fired, shooting the cufflink off the piano player's shirt.

Billy said, "Not bad. Can you shoot with your left hand? A gunfighter's got to be able to shoot with both hands."

Marvin drew his other pistol and fired, shooting off the piano player's other cufflink.

Billy said, "That's mighty fine shooting. I just have one piece of advice for you."

Marvin was bubbling with excitement, "What is it? What else should I do?"

Billy spoke slowly, "Well, go back into the kitchen there and get a big tub of lard. Take both of your pistols and rub them around in the lard, get them good and slick."

Marvin was puzzled. He asked, "Why is that important? What good will rubbing my pistols in lard do?"

Billy replied, "It won't help your shooting at all, but when Wyatt Earp finishes playing the piano over there he's going to shove both of your pistols up your ass."

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Little Johnny was talking to his father about Suzy. "She sure is pretty, I wish I knew how to get her to pay attention to me," he said. "She never says anything to me, I don't think she knows I'm alive."

"Well," his father responded, "the best way to get her attention is to go up to her and pay her a compliment. Try saying something nice about her clothing, and she will remember you fondly. Ask her where she got it, that is a sure bet to start a conversation with a pretty girl."

The next day Little Johnny saw Suzy on the playground. "Hey Suzy," he said, "That is sure a pretty sweater you are wearing. Where'd you get one with the knobs on it?"

Without blinking an eye she replied, "The same place you got your pants with the gear shift."

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Paddy was walking through a town one day when he say a shop with a notice in the window. The notice said "We sell everything". Paddy could not believe this so he went inside.

He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?"

The salesperson said "Yes, everything".

Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?". The salesperson said "A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back".

Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go, one jumper for a chicken"

"How much?" asked Paddy.

"Three quid." replied the salesperson.

"Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said Paddy. So away he went as happy as larry. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom. He was mad and stormed back into the shop.

He screamed at the saleperson "Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom - whats going on?"

The salesperson replied, "Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a cock."