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some good uns...
A cop stops his patrol car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The guy is laying on his side with his pants pulled down, the girl has her finger in his a**hole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.
The cop says, "What the hell is going on?"
The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."
The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."
She says, "Yeah? Wait'll I switch this finger to his mouth."
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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
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Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
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Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes," she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "Indeed I am."
The man replies "Well please wash your hands because I want a cheese sandwich!"
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A horny man is walking through a park, and notices a wino passed out on a park bench. Temptation overcomes him, and he decides to 'have his way' with the wino. After he finishes, he feels a little guilty, and decides to slip a $5.00 bill into the pocket of the wino's pants.
The next morning, the wino wakes up and finds the money in his pocket. He immediately goes to the nearest liquor store and tells the clerk, "Give me $5.00 worth of the cheapest wine you've got!" The clerk returns with a gallon jug of wine, the wino pays for it and leaves. He then spends the rest of the day back at his bench drinking.
That night after the wino passed out, the horny man walked by again, and repeated the cycle from the night before. The next morning, the wino found the money in his pocket again, and again went to the same liquor store and bought another gallon jug of cheap wine, then spent the rest of the day drinking on his bench.
This whole process continued nightly for over a week. One night, after finishing his business with the wino, the man felt especially guilty about his behavior, and slipped a $20.00 bill into the wino's pocket.
The next morning, after finding the money, the wino proceeds to his favorite liquor store and requests $20.00 of their finest wine.
The clerk obliged and said, "Don't you usually come in here and get $5.00 of our cheapest wine?"
To which the wino replied "Yeah, but I gotta quit drinking that cheap stuff. It makes my ass hurt!"
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The usual scene. A Doctor says to a patient, "Well, I've got good news and bad news."
The patient asks for the bad news and the doctor tells him that he has just three weeks to live.
"Three weeks! That's terrible. I'll be dead in three weeks! What's the good news."
Doctor says, "See my huge breasted receptionist? Well, I'm f**king her!"
(PMSL)
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Son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it.
While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.
When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?"
The father replies, "I don't want them f**king your mother after I'm gone!"
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A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head. As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder. Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement.
"Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!"
The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both saw movement around the woman's eyes.
"Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her husband and let him know."
Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement. When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles. The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction. "I suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex," he said.
The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room. Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated. The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans.
"Oops," he said, "I think I choked her."
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A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"
His father says, "No...how old?"
He says, "I'm eleven!"
He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"
She says, "Come closer..."
She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.
She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."
He says, "How could you tell?"
She says, "I heard you tell your father."
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A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
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These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs. Hhe says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."
And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!"
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