An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put. Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, "What the heck is going on?" The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

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A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest were on a jet flying at 36,000 ft. The Priest is telling the Rabbi about his lord and savior Jesus Christ. The Rabbi interrupts the Priest and informs him "Father you know I'm Jewish. We Jews do not believe in Jesus." The Priest tells the Rabbi that even he a Jewish Rabbi in times of great stress will probably turn to Jesus. Just than the plane dives straight down over 20,000'. When thing finally settle down the Priest informs the Rabbi, "See even you turned to Jesus in your time of need." The Rabbi asked, "What are you talking about?" The priest reports, "I saw you make the sign of the cross!" The Rabbi explains, "No, that was not the sign of the cross. I was only checking for the essentials; spectacles,testicles, money and cigars."

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An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!" They all asked the farmer how it tasted. "Don't know" said the farmer. "Never could catch the son of a bitch!!!"

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One night a squirrel walks into a bar and calls for a pint of Guinness beer. The bartender was a bit surprised, so he went to ask his boss. "There's a squirrel at the end of the bar calling for pints of Guinness," he says. His manager looks at him and asks if the squirrel is spending any money. With that, the squirrel pulls out a wad of cash. Within a flash, the bartender is back with a pint of Guinness. A few pints later, the squirrel is leaning against the bar. Several pints later still, the squirrel's tail isn't looking as bushy as it was when he first came in. After a while, the squirrel starts to sway. A little later, there's a bang as the squirrel falls off his stool and runs out of the bar. Everyone starts talking about what they've seen. Two seconds later, the door bangs open, and the squirrel is back on his stool. He starts feeling around on the bar and shouting, "Where are my fucking keys!!" The bartender stands there in amazement, saying, "You're not going to drive home in that state!" "Not at all," says the squirrel. "I'm locked out of my fucking tree..."

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Gus, a traveling salesman, stopped at a gas station to use the facilities. The restroom had two commodes, and there was a man already using one of them. They nodded at each other and went about their business.

Gus finished first and as he pulled up his pants, some change fell out of his pocket into the bowl. He looked at it for a moment, then threw a $50 into the bowl. "What did you do that for?!" the other man asked.

Gus replied, "Well, you don't expect me to put my hand in there for thirty-five cents, do you?"

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An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behaviour, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."

The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

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A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.

Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"