I was at work yesterday and the urge to drop a hot deuce struck me like a bolt of lightning. (Deep fried pastries and espresso from breakfast coming back at me. Ugh.) Realizing that it was going to be a full-on nasal assault for any of the poor bastards I work with who happened to come in after me, I decided to wander over to another department's crapper to do the evil deed.

I get in, drop a few "sanitary slipmats" on the toilet seat, and I get to doing my business. Not ten seconds later, the biggest fucking spider I've seen in a LONG fucking time crawls up out of the flood prevention drain right outside the stall door and starts edging its way toward me. I freak the fuck out because I can't stand spiders but I'm midway through a colonic evacuation, so there isn't shit (pardon the pun) that I can do about it.

I end up almost falling into the fucking pot because I picked my feet up just in case I needed to slam one down on this little bitch. Just then, someone comes into the bathroom, which causes the little bastard to run for cover. Of course, the only nearby "cover" is behind the toilet into which I'm presently depositing a fresh batch of ass dumplings.

I decide that there's only one thing to do. I slam both hands into the walls of the stall on either side of me and I pull myself up so that I can set my feet on the edge of the toilet. I'm now squatting above the shitter, perched in such a way so that my cheeks aren't touching the seat because the sanitary papers have now slipped into the toilet. And thank GOD for that... I can't imagine what kind of splashback I'd have been the victim of had there not been something to deaden the otherwise massive splash that the next turd would have undoubtedly brought forth.

Then it got worse.

Apparently, the idiot janitor responsible for bathroom maintenance has never noticed that there are bolts missing from the upper hinge holding the stall divider in place. Two of the three, to be precise. This, of course, means that the divider can't handle direct pressure near the top... where I happened to thrust my hand. The remaining bolt breaks way from the wall, I stumble, I inadvertantly shift my weight against the divider, and it gives way into the next stall taking me along for the ride. Of course, the loud banging and my extremely loud, "AWE, FUCK!" alerts the other person in the bathroom...

...who happens to be female. (The door on the stall that I was now occupying was wide open.) Yes, that's right. I went to use the john in another department and didn't notice it was a woman's restroom. I don't really know how to explain that other than to say that they're reversed in that department. I'm used to the men's room being on the left.

Needless to say, I had a lot of explaining to do. I'm now the butt (again, pardon the fucking pun) of a lot of jokes around the office. Fortunately, the woman thought it was absolutely hilarious... especially the cause of the whole incident: a fucking spider.

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Grow some fuckin balls or a vagina. Thanks for the story, It was quite good.

quote:

Originally posted by Street_Soldier Grow some fuckin balls or a vagina. Thanks for the story, It was quite good.

Snakes, sharks, scorpions, heights, whatever.

Just not fucking spiders.

___________________

1. Utah Saints - Lost Vagueness (Oliver Lieb's Main Mix)
2. Klea - Tic Toc (Paul Van Dyk's Re-Edit)
3. Alibi - Eternity (Inner City Mix)
4. Cirque de Soleil - Pokinoi (Sasha Mix)
5. Chris & Kai vs. Levin - Gone to Heaven

quote:

Originally posted by wwu.punisher Snakes, sharks, scorpions, heights, whatever. Just not fucking spiders.

+4545363456345634

Haha, that sucks

I wouldn't recommend moving to Australia any time soon mate

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LOL, you are totally fucked now. Time to quit because you'll never live this down

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Haha.

I'd have done the same Can't stand spiders, but somehow I still feel bad killing them, so I don't like to just step on them.

quote:

Originally posted by Taranis Haha. I'd have done the same Can't stand spiders, but somehow I still feel bad killing them, so I don't like to just step on them.

So you just catch them with a large cup/transparent receptacle, and a piece of cardboard, right? And then throw them outside? Or you're too afraid to get that close?

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quote:

Originally posted by Sushipunk So you just catch them with a large cup/transparent receptacle, and a piece of cardboard, right? And then throw them outside? Or you're too afraid to get that close?

Usually yeah

I had one on the roof in the shower earlier today. Threw a towel at it to knock it off the roof then turned the water on to try wash it down to drain. It got stuck and was still alive and I felt bad for it ( ), so I grabbed a long stick of wood we use to jam the bathroom window shut, got it to climb on and put it on the ground outside through the window

I don't mind them so much when they're sitting there in front of me. It's when they're moving around, there's a distinct possibility of them getting on me when I don't suspect it (ie, on the roof directly above me in the shower) that I can't stand them. Having a spider crawling around on me seriously creeps me out.

quote:

Originally posted by Taranis Usually yeah I had one on the roof in the shower earlier today. Threw a towel at it to knock it off the roof then turned the water on to try wash it down to drain. It got stuck and was still alive and I felt bad for it ( ), so I grabbed a long stick of wood we use to jam the bathroom window shut, got it to climb on and put it on the ground outside through the window I don't mind them so much when they're sitting there in front of me. It's when they're moving around, there's a distinct possibility of them getting on me when I don't suspect it (ie, on the roof directly above me in the shower) that I can't stand them. Having a spider crawling around on me seriously creeps me out.

I do the same. I just can't kill them (unless I'm in a dirty mood, then it's bug-spray time).

The long stick works so well! They climb on, and right off onto the tree outside the window! No harm done, and they eat my mosquitoes

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That made me laugh.

Owned

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quote:

Originally posted by wwu.punisher I was at work yesterday and the urge to drop a hot deuce struck me like a bolt of lightning. (Deep fried pastries and espresso from breakfast coming back at me. Ugh.) Realizing that it was going to be a full-on nasal assault for any of the poor bastards I work with who happened to come in after me, I decided to wander over to another department's crapper to do the evil deed. I get in, drop a few "sanitary slipmats" on the toilet seat, and I get to doing my business. Not ten seconds later, the biggest fucking spider I've seen in a LONG fucking time crawls up out of the flood prevention drain right outside the stall door and starts edging its way toward me. I freak the fuck out because I can't stand spiders but I'm midway through a colonic evacuation, so there isn't shit (pardon the pun) that I can do about it. I end up almost falling into the fucking pot because I picked my feet up just in case I needed to slam one down on this little bitch. Just then, someone comes into the bathroom, which causes the little bastard to run for cover. Of course, the only nearby "cover" is behind the toilet into which I'm presently depositing a fresh batch of ass dumplings. I decide that there's only one thing to do. I slam both hands into the walls of the stall on either side of me and I pull myself up so that I can set my feet on the edge of the toilet. I'm now squatting above the shitter, perched in such a way so that my cheeks aren't touching the seat because the sanitary papers have now slipped into the toilet. And thank GOD for that... I can't imagine what kind of splashback I'd have been the victim of had there not been something to deaden the otherwise massive splash that the next turd would have undoubtedly brought forth. Then it got worse. Apparently, the idiot janitor responsible for bathroom maintenance has never noticed that there are bolts missing from the upper hinge holding the stall divider in place. Two of the three, to be precise. This, of course, means that the divider can't handle direct pressure near the top... where I happened to thrust my hand. The remaining bolt breaks way from the wall, I stumble, I inadvertantly shift my weight against the divider, and it gives way into the next stall taking me along for the ride. Of course, the loud banging and my extremely loud, "AWE, FUCK!" alerts the other person in the bathroom... ...who happens to be female. (The door on the stall that I was now occupying was wide open.) Yes, that's right. I went to use the john in another department and didn't notice it was a woman's restroom. I don't really know how to explain that other than to say that they're reversed in that department. I'm used to the men's room being on the left. Needless to say, I had a lot of explaining to do. I'm now the butt (again, pardon the fucking pun) of a lot of jokes around the office. Fortunately, the woman thought it was absolutely hilarious... especially the cause of the whole incident: a fucking spider.

What do you think this is, craigslist?

Great story if it's true.

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Last edited by Domesticated on Sep-16-2007 at 12:35