Scouser Jokes
Well I found this site and nicked the following jokes off them, IF YOU ARE A SCOUSER...LEAVE NOW...for the rest of you that told me to post them...here they are
Scouser Jokes
Q. If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle
Q: What do you call a Scouser in a suit?
A: The accused.(yes i know it's an old one)
Q: Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
A: Because if it walked it would be mugged.
Q: What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed semi?
A: A burglar.
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?
A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Q: What's the difference between a Scouser and a coconut?
A: One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut.
Q: What do you say to a scouser on a bike?
A: Stop Thief!
Q: What do you say to a scouser in a uniform?
A: Big Mac and fries please.
Q: What's the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz night ?
A: What are you looking at?
Q: What do you call a scouser in a White Shellsuit ?
A: The Bride
A man is rowing accross a lake in Africa on a Saturday afternoon chanting away as he rows "Bongo.....Bongo.....Bongo", at this time, a flying saucer is shooting past the earth and the
aliens spot the man and decide to beam him up to perform some tests.
After the tests are completed they decide to put him back in his boat, "Stop" the leader says, lets see what happens to this human if we remove a quarter of his brain", so the aliens remove
a quarter of the guys brain and beam him back down to his boat, "Lets see what happens to him now" the aliens say.
As the aliens watch, the man wakes up in his boat and wonders what has just happened, un-nerved by his experience he continues to row accross the lake chanting on his way "Bongo......Bongo......Bongo"
Amazed by this, the aliens beam the man back up to the ship, "How can this happen, he has a quarter of his brain missing, right lets remove half of his brain and see what happens", the aliens
remove half of the mans brain leaving him with just a quarter of his brain left and beam him back down to his boat, "This should do something to him" say the aliens.
Once again, the man wakes up in his boat and wonders what has just happened, as before un-nerved by his experience he continues to row accross the lake chanting on his way "Bongo......Bongo......Bongo"
This makes the aliens even more confused, "Get him back up here and remove all of his brain" says the alien leader, "This must surely have some effect". So the aliens once again beam the
man back up the ship and completely remove his brain leaving him brainless and then put him back in his boat.
And once again the man wakes up in his boat and wonders what has just happened, he cannot recall his experience and continues to row across the lake chanting on his way "Ferrry 'cross the Mersey........."
At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.
Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers. At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.
Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says.
"Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies.
"Something about a job."
2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.
Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
"R hey lad" they say "gissa lift".
The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.
He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the b*****ds have managed to nick a motorbike already".
The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in.With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool,
pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The
bartender nodded,so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey,too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back,who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass
of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give
Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser,who swaggered into the bar and yelled, "Barkeeper, giv us a lager der la! Hey, is dat God's Boy down dere?" The barkeeper nodded, so
the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager, too.
As Jesus got up to leave,he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness,you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength comeback to his
leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his backstraighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked towards the Scouser, but the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed,"Fuck off, I'll lose my disabiltity benefit!!!!"
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