Yep, sport trance with another "book" for you to read......

anyone who cares less about addiction or habits, probably will not be interested. But if you are a real smoker, and are/or was a slave to some form of some addictve substance at one point, u might find this interesting.......

lets begin.....

So i've been smoking for 7 years........past two years have been a pack and a half to two packs a day.......

My throat was kind of aching oddly last week, so I naturally, as a smoker got a little concerned. Called the doc, set up an appointment, went last friday. Fortunately, nothing was wrong, but my throat was severely irritated. Ofcourse, this wasnt just from smoking, anyone who has acid reflux disease knows that this is very common. But they also know (like i always have), that smoking cigarettes is possibly one of the worst things to do if you have it. (ofcourse, its just plain bad anyways).

To be quite honest, I was very nervous, and very anxious at the doc. I've known him and his nurse since I was a kid, and really do trust them. However, I was just plain, really nervous. For the obvious reasons. No smoker likes to feel serious chest pain, or rather abnormal throat pain.

Anyway, so after some miserable tests and gagging everything came clear, except ofcourse that my throat was extremely irritated. I was still scared outta my head some, especially when I then realized, I truly do, for the first REAL time, have to quit smoking.

I've attempted to quit in the past (not long ago actually, about 5 months ago), just for "good health" reasons, and well, as an addict (yeah i admit), it was subconsciously written in the back of my head, that I probably would start again, and that if I did, then well, I did. I went for 5 total days without a smoke, then eventually, I snapped, got tired of the BS, and broke

However, this time, is really, really, different. This time, I have an absolutely reason to quit. I have visual evidence that it isn't doing me any good what so ever, and definitely won't if I continue. On my last attempt, I didn't have this. It wasn't a quarter as difficult as it is now, because like I said. the last time, subconsciously, I knew I was probably going back, and it was just my "first attempt".

Now its quite simply like this. I have to. I can't explain it, but I do know, I have to. Unfortunately, I do not want to, at, all. Health reasons yes, but naturally as a human, I miss it terribly, and probably always will. I am going on day 5 of being smoke free, haven't smoked since i left the doctors office. (except for tonight, where I cracked (didnt break), and lit up on the way home). I needed a reminder of why I was quitting, and ofcourse after 5 days of no smoking at all, a cigarette isn't a quarter as good as usual, mentally and physically.

So here I am. The nights have been the toughest. I can honestly say I can relate to the misery of rehab. (I admit, I am/was a completely dependant chain smoker). It isn't so difficult during the day, but it is, during the night, when i'm sitting at my computer, listening to my music, and chatting/browsing boards.

For those that don't smoke, or don't smoke too much, i'll explain the world of cigarettes a bit. It is MORE than the nicotine thats addictive. I don't mean the 1000 extra crap chemicals they throw in either. Its a giant issue psychologicaly. Its something you look forward to, something that really helps you relax. something that keeps you busy, something that helps you think, something that even almost entertains you, and so so so much more. Some people can smoke for 4 years, and drop it like a hat. Then, there are the others, like me, who have a "bit" more trouble.

Unfortunately since highschool, i've relied and depended on cigarettes, and that was many years ago. We all had our tough times, and quite honestly, I can say cigarettes was one of those things that did help me through. I always love, during times of stress, to go outside, sit down/walk around, light up a smoke, evaluate the issue, relax, and come back in. I always loved sneaking out of class/lunch, to get my beautiful 10 minutes, of no teachers, no work, and just sitting down in my car, with a friend, talking, and enjoying a simple smoke. It was almost if I came into class, ready to go again. (ofcourse I was fiening all the classes before). But oh how good those smokes were. And for those long nights at clubs, i'd have, standing at the bar, with a beautiful buzz off vodka , and a nice smoke to top off the cake. Instead of coke/crack, heroin, weed, and all those other drugs that almost every curious kid falls into, I fell into cigarettes. Don't let me forget to mention, I make a living with computers, and well, if theres anywhere you will see me smoking, its AT THE COMPUTER.

Here I am, 5 days, no smoke, and quite honestly, I feel lost. Its literally as if, a companion, is gone. Like something is seriously missing. Though my cravings arent a quarter as strong as they first were, I know my craving mentally, will be there for months to come. Its the mental cravings, that are THE WORST. As I like to say, 95% of smoking, is mental. Any REAL smoker knows this. The fact that I just moved into a totally new place, and that one of my pets ran away, isn't helping much either......yeah sounds ridiculous, but if u love youre pet, youd be upset too.

Anxiety, nerves, stress, pressure, worriedness, dizzy, confused, lost, just to name a few of the emotions. All over one fuckin thing. Its incredible how far and bad its built up. I've been taking nicotine lozenges, which have helped tremendously, but lets face it, they arent cigarettes. The patch works great as well, however, like it says, it will cause lucid dreams, and problems with sleeping. I found out first hand.

This, just, plain, doesn't, feel, like, me. I GREW up with smoking, and now, its gone.

Ahh how pathetic this all must look to a non-smoker, or non-addict of anything. I can understand it, 100%. It is pathetic, it is ridiculous, but it is also, a real drug. As I said, more mentally than physically. I can beat the fuckin cravings, but its the battle of the mind that eats ya up. The physical and mental both work together, to create "balance". Most people that have quit smoking, honestly can say, it wasnt THIS difficult, but there are a quite a huge number of former addicts out there, that can say it is/was. Great to know i'm not completely nuts.

One thing that made me laugh the other night in a chat room, was someone stated "i'd quit smoking if i got a warranty that I wouldnt get hit by a truck tomorrow". Oh how true that is I must say. That, is thinking like a true addict. There IS NO guarantee that an addict will die of smoking, ofcourse, it increases the chances in half, but then again, there is no guarantee. It does not help us young cigarette smokers to see 70 year olds walking around in decent health and still alive, who have been smoking their ENTIRE life. Ofcourse, there are the obvious negatives and side effects to smoking, hard to breathe, just plain unhealthy, etc.etc.... I unfortunately have seen first hand, enough evidence, to prove, that, you can go, anytime, no matter how healthy you are, etc.etc.etc....... there, now im speaking like an addict, but unfortunately, that is the truth, most non-smokers hate to hear. Remember non-smokers, people smoke, because they like it, (or love it). If health wasn't an issue, believe me, 50% of the world would follow, if they already havent. Sickening really.

Anyway, so i'm completely beginning to ramble, but about 20 minutes ago, I was walking outside, and thinking of having a second smoke. Its that second smoke, that kills all that power youve built up over the last few days of being smoke free, its that second smoke, that usually breaks you. I dont know why but I went on TA, opened a thread, and decided to go ahead and post this.

This is more of a venting post, than anything. Honestly, im not looking for advice on how to quit, believe me, I do know how, its just a matter of be bitching and complaining while i'm doing it. Eitherway, I appreciate it if you did read it, i'm sure it kept ya busy for about 5 minutes with quality reading material (thumbs up, big smile).

At this point I honestly cannot tell you if I can go on forever without smoking again, its a very hard concept to see, but we'll just have to see how things work out. I'm sure/hope once i'm out of this depressive mode of mental and physical withdrawals, i'll be seeing a new light. Time will tell.