Guide To First Dates:
OMG this is hillarious...
Guide To First Dates:
We've all been on first dates before; some successful, others not so (like the time she only let me finger her ass and then put my finger in her mouth. Fuckin' tease). But now, using only this guide, YOU TOO can become a chick-magnet like me, and get laid on a regular basis. (But let's face it, getting laid "at all" would be a big step up for most of you losers). This article is SO useful, it's actually BANNED in certain states of America - none of the ones you've heard of, though. So read on, and soon you'll literally be drowning in a sea of vaginas. (Disclaimer: JAM Sandwhich.com takes no responsibility for deaths related to this article).
CINEMA DATES:
Guys, one thing that you should always remember is that women, ALL women, LOVE to give blowjobs. As a gentleman, it is your job to make sure she gets the chance. If you ask a girl to go to the cinema with you, and she agrees, then that means that she wants to give you head. Now, she might be a little bit shy about this fact, but it IS a fact. Encourage her, and show her that you're totally cool with her sucking you off, by unzipping and taking your dick out for her. It's probably a good tip to wait until you're actually IN the cinema and sitting down before you do this.
On a first date, always be polite and courteous. For example, make sure that you ASK PERMISSION before you shoot your load all over her face, or failing that, at least compliment her afterwards ("You're a great cocksucker, you know that?", or "You give better head than some of the prostitutes I've been with!"). If you're in a cinema and you're going to give her a cum-wad in the face, make sure you ask nice and loud, so that the other people in the cinema know what a considerate person you are.
DINNER OUT:
Some girls prefer to eat out on a first date, in fancy restaurants and the like. That's cool, just so long as you fella's remember the golden rule: women are liberated now, so you shouldn't feel bad about demanding that they pay the bill. If she refuses, then she's obviously a tramp. In this situation, remember to keep your cool; calmly ask her, "If I pay the bill, what are the chances of you doing anal?", and depending on the answer, storm out leaving her there, or agree to pay half of it.
PICNIC DATES:
Aww. She wants to go for a picnic for the first date. How romantic.
Obviously, this means that she's into doing it outdoors; and now that you know that, who's to say she doesn't have any number of other fetishes? Just to make sure, make sure you turn up dressed in a full body and face rubber bondage outfit with a hole for your genitalia to stick through, and a whip. Start whipping her as soon as she's in whipping-range; spontaneity is sexy!
ADVICE FOR WOMEN:
Ladies, I expect you'll be nervous on a first date. That's only natural. But don't be! Remember, your body is your temple, and you should have respect for it. Don't let yourself get pressured into anything you're not comfortable with. Don't let the fact that everybody hates virgins and GWDPO's ("girls who don't put out") put you off, or the fact that everybody you know will call you frigid and a tease behind your back. It's up to you!
ADVICE FOR MEN:
Just remember, all women love to suck cock; some are just shyer about it than others. If the "hey bitch, here's my cock!" method doesn't work for you, ask, and if that doesn't work ask repeatedly. If she still refuses, make sure everybody she knows is aware of the fact that she is guilty of various disgusting atrocities (it may be necessary to make the atrocities up; to get you started, maybe it would be a good idea to spray "THIS WOMAN TORTURES BABIES FOR FUN" on her car and around the outside of her apartment?)
The advice shown above is 100% GUARANTEED to work. If it doesn't, then you're an idiot. I gave it to my 12 year old cousin before his first date (a birthday party at a school-girl friend’s house), and since I haven't heard from him since, I can only assume that it worked like a charm! Let me know how you get on with it!
___________________
Cause back before '99, U didn' give a damn about PvD, but now that he's pressin' platinum LP's, all of a sudden ur' into
his killer beat's! Ain't nothin' U can do to make it stop cause trance makes the world go round, so cut the act...
[My Website]
|
um... 
