How to Hide Weapons of Mass Destruction



The great thing about having weapons of mass destruction is that you can scare the crap out of everybody else, especially if you're the only one on your block with any. Unfortunately, most such weapons are extremely complicated and difficult to manufacture, and also very expensive. Often, while you are in the process of making and stockpiling such weapons, other countries that already have their own will endeavor to stop you from having any. This is obviously unfair, but since they are the ones with the functional weapons, what are you going to do? Hiding them is your only real solution.


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1: Don't attract attention If you are a sovereign nation, it would be wise to be a nation that other nations do not wish to bomb or otherwise go to war with. It helps if you are not run by a fanatic, you do not have any oil, and you do not have a history of either harboring terrorists or attacking other countries. Essentially, if you are a quiet little country that nobody much bothers with (North Korea, Pakistan) then chances are good you will be able to build your weapons of mass destruction before anybody notices.

2: Pick some good hiding places Try and hide your weapons of mass destruction in places the weapons inspectors would never think to look. Do not, for instance, stick them under the couch, as they are sure to look there. Be creative. Say you are hiding a radioactive product. Don't stick it in a paper mill, as paper is not generally supposed to be radioactive. Instead, consider a hospital.

3: Get some good scientists Biological weapons (anthrax, smallpox) don't just grow on trees. They grow in cows, and in people. Cows will not help you develop any weapons, and infected people will just infect you. But non-infected humans with biological skills can be very useful. (Right now Russia is holding a sale on bioweapons experts. Ask around.) Experts can help develop weapons in secret with minimal muss and fuss, which will make it much much easier for you to hide them.

4: Don't turn around and tell everybody you have them Weapons inspectors can be very tricky. Some of them have been known to pull aside potential weapons of mass destruction owners and say things like "c'mon, tell us where you have them hidden. We promise, it's no big deal." Next thing you know you're handing them a massive report describing your entire weapons development plan. This will simply not help, because they aren't going to believe anything you've written down, even if it's the honest truth. "Why would they hand this to us," they will say, "unless it's a trick?" Which brings us to point number 5.

5: Write lies Any lengthy report handed over to weapons inspectors should perforce contain only lies. They expect you to lie anyway. You may as well have some fun with it. "We tried to make a nuclear bomb," you can write, "but Abdul burned his hand, and nobody else knows how to make one, so we gave up."


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Things to know

--Usually, nations that have weapons of mass destruction tell other nations that they have weapons of mass destruction. This is because the only reason such a weapon is useful is as a threat. If you are going to hide them and make it a big secret, you're simply going to make other nations very nervous, and nervous nations have a tendency to drop bombs and/or invade the nations that are making them nervous. You might want to make absolutely sure this is the route you want to go before hiding your weapons.

--Nukes are sexy.

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