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Best.... Jokes..... Ever
A man walks into a bar, he sees two juicy steaks hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those fine cuts of meat hanging from the ceiling?"
The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and bite the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."
"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"
"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.
"Do you want to try?"
"No, but thanks anyway."
"Why not?", asks the barman.
"I can't jump that high."
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
It didnt, chickens live and die a horrible death in a pen.
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These two guys walk into a bar. One looks to the other and says "hey, want to have gay anal sex?" The other looks at him and replies "you bet I do!"
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There is this peice of rope. He goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says that they can't serve martinis to rope. So the peice of rope walks out. He goes down the street to another bar. Walks up to the bar and says he'd like a martini. The bartender points to a sign on the wall that indicates that ropes cant be serves martinis. So the rope goes to another bar, and another bar and another bar. He keeps getting turned down. Finally he comes up with a plan. He twist himself this way, and turns that way, he pulls his top through the loop and straightens himself out. He then takes a comb out of his pocket and frizzles up his hair. He walks into the next bar. "Bartender, I'd like a martini..." The bartender looks at him and says "Sorry, no martinis for you, you're a rope!" The rope looks back and says "I don't think so!"
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Shirley Temple walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Hey, you know, we've got a drink named after you."
Shirley Temple says, "Really? You have a drink called 'Shirley Temple'"?
The bartender says, "Yes."
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Why did the moron bring a ladder to the party?
They were having drinks up on the roof!
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A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says "What's that steering wheel doing in your pants?"
The pirate says "Arr, I don't know but it's pissing me off".
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Guy walks into a bar with a giraffe. They both get piss drunk and the giraffe passes out. The guy get up to walk out, the bar-tender says 'Hey, you can't leave that lyin there' and the replier 'Alright' and drags it out.
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A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're a stupid fucking idiot."
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knock-knock
Who's there?
We're here to collect the money you owe the Hells Angels.
We're here to collect the money you owe the Hells Angels... who?
We're here to collect the money you owe the Hells Angels, or break your legs.
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi, walk into a bar.
The Rabbi says, "I don't believe in Jesus."
The Priest says, "Have fun in hell then."
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Descartes walked into a bar, and the bartender said "You want a beer?"
Descartes said "I think not." and ordered a glass of water instead.
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Q. How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. One
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Why is aspirin white?
So you don't confuse it with Ibuprofen!!!
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A man walks into a doctor's office -- wait, a psychiatrist's office -- it's this guy right? Okay, this guy goes into a psychiatrist's office, wearing a duck. What? He has a duck on his head? Right. Okay. This guy goes into a psychiatrist's office and he has a duck on his head. And he says can you please help me because I have a duck on my head.
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"Have you heard about the new pirate movie?"
"It's rated PG, parental guidance is advised."
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A guy walks into a bar, and is astonished to see a tiny man playing the piano. He asks the bartender, "Who the hell is that guy? He's only a foot tall!" The bartender replies, "Well, a genie appeared one day and gave me one wish...and naturally, I asked him for a twelve-inch piano player. He really brings in the customers." The man says, "I'll say! He's not just a novelty, he also plays really well! I could listen to him all day! So, what do you have on tap?" The bartender replies, "Bud, Heiniken and Sam Adams". The man says, "I'll have a Sam Adams."
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A woman goes to a doctor with her clucking husband.
"Oh, you've got to help me!" the woman cried. "My husband thinks he's a chicken!"
"Great scott! Why didn't you come to me sooner?" the doctor asks.
"We were busy."
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What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nice eyes, Blacky McBlackeyes.
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A duck walks into a drugstore and ask the clerk for Chapstick. The clerk puts the Chapstick on the counter and says, "That will be $2." The duck replies, "Just put it on my credit card."
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A man goes to his doctor. The doctor tells him he's dying.
The man says, "I want a second opinion."
The doctor gives him the name and number of a specialist in the type of cancer with which the man has been diagnosed.
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Q: What do you call a Frenchman with perfect teeth?
A: "Un homme français avec les dents parfaites."
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