“A Worn Path” by Eudora Welty and “Battle Royal” by Ralph Ellison may differ in setting but they embody similarity in human experience. Although the steep age difference between the 2 main characters, Phoenix Jackson and Ralph Ellison, they go through a strenuous journey of life. Both, Jackson and Ellison, being black during the time of segregation made life difficult for them and they had to endure racism. Jackson and Ellison make sacrifices to achieve their goals, although different; embody the passion to succeed.

In the beginning of both stories, Jackson and Ellison go through a time of ecstasy and fantasy. In “A Worn Path”, after Jackson crosses the log bridge she sits down on the grass and imagines a boy, probably her grandson, handing her a piece of marble cake. As she gladly accepts the piece of cake it disappears. In “Battle Royal”, Ellison along with 9 other black boys were brought into the front ballroom where it wreaked of tobacco and whiskey. All the major players of the town were there and before the main event there was a strip tease. As pleasing as it was for the boy’s to watch the beautiful blonde strut her stuff, they were embarrassed at the same time because it excited them.

Though their journeys people tried to put Jackson and Ellison down, but they used their intelligence to pursue their goals. When Jackson stumbled across the white hunter, he tried to scare her and intimidate her. But his ploy to scare Jackson only made her agitated. He also took the barrel of his gun and points it in the direction of Jackson, but this didn’t bother her either. She says to the hunter “No, sir, I seen plenty go off closer by, in my day, and for less than what I done.” Through this ordeal with the white hunter she out smarts him by drawing his attention elsewhere so that she can take the 5 cents that he had dropped. Ellison, during the battle royal, tried to use his intelligence against the bigger opponent in the final battle. Ellison tried to persuade Tatlock to loose the match and he would forfeit the winnings to him. He did this to avoid getting beat up, but Tatlock wasn’t interested. Ellison made another offer adding another 5 dollars, but Tatlock still wasn’t interested. Tatlock was more interested in pride than money, which shows how smart he was. Another time Ellison used his intelligence was when the M.C. of the smoker told the boys their winnings was on the rug. What the boys didn’t know was that the rug was electrified, but Ellison was smart and didn’t go directly onto the rug. He would wait on the outer most part of the rug and would scramble to get whatever coins would stray from the rug. He wasn’t able to do this for long though, unfortunately, he would be thrown onto the rug and get electrocuted. In the end, both Jackson and Ellison were both tricked. The white hunter told Jackson that he would have given her a dime if he had the money. However, he dropped a nickel, which means he had money; he just didn’t want to give it to her. Ellison was tricked as well because the coins that were supposed to be money weren’t. The coins were fake and had advertisements of automobiles on them.

Phoenix Jackson and Ralph Ellison faced similarities in human experience, although they differed in setting. They had to overcome the obstacle of being black in a time of racism. Jackson out smarted the hunter and Ellison used his intelligence to try to do as little harm to himself as possible. Both also never lost track of what they were set to do, although Jackson had memory loss, her maternal instinct kept her going. Jackson and Ellison embodied a state of perseverance and had the will to overcome the obstacles they faced to reach their goals.


This still isnt finished, Im going to add another paragraph or two, but tell me how it is thus far.

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/SARCASM.

quote:

Originally posted by Coup Vlad wins. Flawless victory.

well its kind of hard to edit this electronically..i remember back in high school in AP English we would get in little groups and proofread each others' essays and stuff. I would mark all over the paper and use all those cool proofreading editing marks..


Well the one thing i have to say is... it seems to me that you are just reiterating and paraphrasing the book. I would try to sum it all up in one sentence (coz hopefully ur professor has read the book as well and knows what scene your talkin about) and then from there gather ur thoughts on why exactly this scene makes them "sacrifice their goals".

Also check your run on sentences. And dont make sentence super long with commas and semi-colons. Just be terse but still provide what you want to say. Sometimes shorter sentences work better than huge long garbled ones.

You're on the right track. Hope this constructive critism helps.

Its supposed to be a compare and contrast essay on the topic:

“A Worn Path” by Eudora Welty and “Battle Royal” by Ralph Ellison may differ in setting but they embody similarity in human experience.

Thats why it sounds like im reiterating.

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/SARCASM.

quote:

Originally posted by Coup Vlad wins. Flawless victory.

i got tired of separating and quoting, so i started putting correction in the text in bold. spell out all of your numbers. reduce your anecdotes to a few summarizing sentences and focus on the point you're making with the anecdotes -- the analysis is more important than recapping the story. my sleepy pills are kicking in, so i can't finish editing tonight but i might have some time to do it tomorrow. when is the paper due?

quote:

Originally posted by Vlad “A Worn Path” by Eudora Welty and “Battle Royal” by Ralph Ellison may differ in setting but they embody similarity in human experience.

be definite. your point is that the two books differ, so take out "may."

quote:

Although the steep age difference between the 2 main characters, Phoenix Jackson and Ralph Ellison, they go through a strenuous journey of life.

despite the steep age difference, spell out two. are the author and the main character by the same name?

quote:

Both, Jackson and Ellison, being black during the time of segregation made life difficult for them and they had to endure racism. Jackson and Ellison make sacrifices to achieve their goals, although different; embody the passion to succeed.

unclear and too wordy. try "Both Jackson and Ellison, being black during segregation, endured racism and made sacrifices to achieve their different goals but possessed the passion to succeed."

quote:

In the beginning of both stories, Jackson and Ellison go through a time of ecstasy and fantasy. In “A Worn Path”, comma inside the quotation marks after Jackson crosses the log bridge she sits down on the grass and imagines a boy, probably her grandson, handing her a piece of marble cake. As she gladly accepts the piece of cake it disappears. In “Battle Royal”, Ellison along with 9 spell nine other black boys were brought into the front ballroom where it wreaked of tobacco and whiskey. All the major players of the town were there and before the main event there was a strip tease. As pleasing as it was for the boy’s no apostrophe to watch the beautiful blonde strut her stuff, they were embarrassed at the same time because it excited them. what point are you making with these anecdotes? put it at the beginning of the paragraph in a topic sentence. Though through their journeys people tried to put Jackson and Ellison down, but they used their intelligence to pursue their goals. When Jackson stumbled across the white hunter, he tried to scare her and intimidate her. But his ploy to scare Jackson only made her agitated. He also took the barrel of his gun and points it in the direction of Jackson, but this didn’t bother her either. She says to the hunter “No, sir, I seen plenty go off closer by, in my day, and for less than what I done.” Through this ordeal with the white hunter she out smarts him by drawing his attention elsewhere so that she can take the 5 spell five cents that he had dropped. new paragraphEllison, during the battle royal royale, tried to use his intelligence against the bigger opponent in the final battle. Ellison tried to persuade Tatlock to loose the match and he would forfeit the winnings to him. He did this to avoid getting beat up, but Tatlock wasn’t interested. Ellison made another offer adding another 5 dollars, but Tatlock still wasn’t interested. Tatlock was more interested in pride than money, which shows how smart he was. Another time Ellison used his intelligence was when the M.C. of the smoker told the boys their winnings was on the rug. What the boys didn’t know was that the rug was electrified, but Ellison was smart and didn’t go directly onto the rug. He would wait on the outer most part of the rug and would scramble to get whatever coins would stray from the rug. He wasn’t able to do this for long though, unfortunately, he would be thrown onto the rug and get electrocuted. In the end, both Jackson and Ellison were both tricked. The white hunter told Jackson that he would have given her a dime if he had the money. However, he dropped a nickel, which means he had money; he just didn’t want to give it to her. Ellison was tricked as well because the coins that were supposed to be money weren’t. The coins were fake and had advertisements of automobiles on them. Phoenix Jackson and Ralph Ellison faced similarities in human experience, although they differed in setting. They had to overcome the obstacle of being black in a time of racism. Jackson out smarted the hunter and Ellison used his intelligence to try to do as little harm to himself as possible. Both also never lost track of what they were set to do, although Jackson had memory loss, her maternal instinct kept her going. Jackson and Ellison embodied a state of perseverance and had the will to overcome the obstacles they faced to reach their goals. This still isnt finished, Im going to add another paragraph or two, but tell me how it is thus far.

quote:

Originally posted by daffodil be definite. your point is that the two books differ, so take out "may." unclear and too wordy. try "Both Jackson and Ellison, being black during segregation, endured racism and made sacrifices to achieve their different goals but possessed the passion to succeed."

The reason why the "may" is there is because my teacher wrote it like that, Im was just restating the thesis.

And yea, I see what you mean by its confusing I gotta change it.

Its not royale, its royal (like a fight because it is).

The reason why the paragraphs are lengthy is because my teacher wants and like fat and juicy paragraphs, so thats what Im giving him.

Im comparing the similarities of the two main characters in two different short stories.

The point Im making in that paragraph is in the very first line... fantasy and ecstacy. (I just didnt feel like writing the word erection in my paper)

___________________
/SARCASM.

quote:

Originally posted by Coup Vlad wins. Flawless victory.

Somewhat revised (its 3:30AM so my eyes are probably deceiving me right now)

“A Worn Path” by Eudora Welty and “Battle Royal” by Ralph Ellison may differ in setting but they embody similarity in human experience. Despite the steep age difference between the two main characters, Phoenix Jackson and Ralph Ellison, they go through a strenuous journey of life. Both, Jackson and Ellison, being black during the time of segregation made life difficult for them and they had to endure racism. Racism became a part of the way of life, and Jackson and Ellison faced many similar obstacles.

In the beginning of both stories, Jackson and Ellison go through a time of ecstasy and fantasy. In “A Worn Path,” after Jackson crosses the log bridge she sits down on the grass and imagines a boy, probably her grandson, handing her a piece of marble cake. As she gladly accepts the piece of cake it disappears. In “Battle Royal,” Ellison along with nine other black boys were brought into the front ballroom where it wreaked of tobacco and whiskey. All the major players of the town were there and before the main event there was a strip tease. As pleasing as it was for the boys to watch the beautiful blonde strut her stuff, they were embarrassed at the same time because it excited them. Although Jackson and Ellison had these moments of ecstasy and fantasy there was still more to come.

Though their journeys people tried to put Jackson and Ellison down, but they used their intelligence to pursue their goals. When Jackson stumbled across the white hunter, he tried to scare her and intimidate her. But his ploy to scare Jackson only made her agitated. He also took the barrel of his gun and points it in the direction of Jackson, but this didn’t bother her either. She says to the hunter “No, sir, I seen plenty go off closer by, in my day, and for less than what I done.” Through this ordeal with the white hunter she out smarts him by drawing his attention elsewhere so that she can take the five cents that he had dropped.

Ellison, during the battle royal, tried to use his intelligence against the bigger opponent in the final battle. Ellison tried to persuade Tatlock to loose the match and he would forfeit the winnings to him. He did this to avoid getting beat up, but Tatlock wasn’t interested. Ellison made another offer adding another five dollars, but Tatlock still wasn’t interested. Tatlock was more interested in pride than money, which shows how smart he was. Another time Ellison used his intelligence was when the M.C. of the smoker told the boys their winnings was on the rug. What the boys didn’t know was that the rug was electrified, but Ellison was smart and didn’t go directly onto the rug. He would wait on the outer most part of the rug and would scramble to get whatever coins would stray from the rug. He wasn’t able to do this for long though, unfortunately, he would be thrown onto the rug and get electrocuted. In the end, both Jackson and Ellison were both tricked. The white hunter told Jackson that he would have given her a dime if he had the money. However, he dropped a nickel, which means he had money; he just didn’t want to give it to her. Ellison was tricked as well because the coins that were supposed to be money weren’t. The coins were fake and had advertisements of automobiles on them.

Through the pleasure and pain, Jackson and Ellison both were able to achieve their goals. Jackson got to the hospital and received the medicine that was needed for the child he was caring for. Ellison was allowed to give his graduation speech in front of all the important people in the city.

Phoenix Jackson and Ralph Ellison faced similarities in human experience, although they differed in setting. They had to overcome the obstacle of being black in a time of racism. Jackson out smarted the hunter and Ellison used his intelligence to try to do as little harm to himself as possible. Both also never lost track of what they were set to do, although Jackson had memory loss, her maternal instinct kept her going. Jackson and Ellison embodied a state of perseverance and had the will to overcome the obstacles they faced to reach their goals.

___________________
/SARCASM.

quote:

Originally posted by Coup Vlad wins. Flawless victory.

well, i'm not quite so ready for bed as i thought i was.

anyway, tell your teacher his thesis sucks. the writing that english and history professors seem to prefer drives me up a wall and straight into the ceiling.

sorry i missed that first topic sentence -- either i'm blind or the quote function in the reply skewed the format. just noticed "wreaked of tobacco and whiskey" is spelled "reeked." wreak is for things like wreaking havoc

"fat and juicy" paragraphs should be packed with information and analysis, not summaries of the essays. don't confuse fat and juicy with lengthy. that long fantasy paragraph is very easy to get lost in -- it would be much more clear if you broke it up into three or so paragraphs.

i'm thinking it's "battle royale" because of the pronunciation. i can't think of a decent phonetic spelling to compare royale and royal and i'm too lazy to look it up.
edit: maybe i shouldn't be copy editing when i just realized (at 3:53) that the title of one of the essays is "battle royal."

while i'm being a copy editing nazi, you compare differences. similarities are the same, so how can you compare them? i hope you don't think i'm being harsh, i'm just used to direct criticism and correction from my professors and i'm also a blunt person by nature.

you may get lucky here: if i'm not sleepy soon and i don't find other distraction i may rework this whole thing journalism style and repost it. i'm such a nerd to like copy editing...

Last edited by daffodil on Oct-01-2003 at 07:54

quote:

Both, Jackson and Ellison, being black during the time of segregation made life difficult for them and they had to endure racism. Racism became a part of the way of life, and Jackson and Ellison faced many similar obstacles.

be wary of run on sentences and your punctuation is making this unclear. remember your goal is to make this easy to read and understand. "For Jackson and Ellison, being black during a time of segregation made life difficult. They had to endure racism as a way of life and thus faced similar obstacles."

edit: can you explain why jackson and ellison have times of fantasy and delusion? escapism from their tough lives maybe? what could the disappearing cake represent? does the probable grandson have significance? you could be missing a chance for some good analysis. i haven't read the stories so these may be worthless points.

quote:

Originally posted by daffodil be wary of run on sentences and your punctuation is making this unclear. remember your goal is to make this easy to read and understand. "For Jackson and Ellison, being black during a time of segregation made life difficult. They had to endure racism as a way of life and thus faced similar obstacles." edit: can you explain why jackson and ellison have times of fantasy and delusion? escapism from their tough lives maybe? what could the disappearing cake represent? does the probable grandson have significance? you could be missing a chance for some good analysis. i haven't read the stories so these may be worthless points.

Not really delusion, just fantasy... for Jackson the fantasy was the boy handing her a piece of cake, like i said, probably her grandson. She is a very old woman, so seeing that was like a reminder to her of what her journey was about. For Ellison his little fantasy was the blonde bombshell and seeing her doing this strip tease.

The whole thing is that its not supposed to be THAT analytical. Remember more compare and contrast, than analytical - the class already analyzed everything, he just wants us to write about the similarities between the 2 stories. Simple restating and description. I wrote 2 analytical papers already I got a B+ and A-.

Im going to bed now, gotta be up at 7:30, thanks for the help.

___________________
/SARCASM.

quote:

Originally posted by Coup Vlad wins. Flawless victory.

the grade i'd give it depends on what year of schooling you're in:
frosh-soph in high school: B to B+
junior-senior in H.S: C+ to B-
college: C

Please give it a thorough read-through as it is riddled with spelling mistakes (the type MS Word won't catch). Also, as other posters have pointed out, you get demerits for having 85% summary versus 15% analysis so try balancing the two (ideally, those percentages should be reversed).

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agenda:


[Dark Disco|Frozen Balearic|Gay Biker-House| Boogie-Trance|Heavy Electronica|Soft-Goth]

“A Worn Path” by Eudora Welty and “Battle Royal” by Ralph Ellison may differ in setting but they embody similarity in human experience. Although the steep age difference between the 2 main characters, Phoenix Jackson and Ralph Ellison, they go through a strenuous journey of life. Both, Jackson and Ellison, being black during the time of segregation made life difficult for them and they had to endure racism. <<<should be rephrased Jackson and Ellison make sacrifices to achieve their goals, although different; embody the passion to succeed. <<<maybe, 'depsite being different?'

i honestly think that the opening should be changed. i never liked when papers just jumped right into the topic at hand. try and think of another way that you could open it.

In the beginning of both stories, Jackson and Ellison go through a time of ecstasy and fantasy. In “A Worn Path”, after Jackson crosses the log bridge she sits down on the grass and imagines a boy, probably her grandson, handing her a piece of marble cake. As she gladly accepts the piece of cake it disappears. In “Battle Royal”, Ellison along with 9 other black boys were brought into the front ballroom where it wreaked of tobacco and whiskey. All the major players of the town were there and before the main event there was a strip tease. As pleasing as it was for the boy’s to watch the beautiful blonde strut her stuff, they were embarrassed at the same time because it excited them.

Though<<<throughout their journeys people tried to put Jackson and Ellison down, but they used their intelligence to pursue their goals. When Jackson stumbled across the white hunter, he tried to scare her and intimidate her. But his ploy to scare Jackson only made her agitated. He also took the barrel of his gun and points it in the direction of Jackson, but<<<too many buts, change to however this didn’t bother her either. She says to the hunter “No, sir, I seen plenty go off closer by, in my day, and for less than what I done.” Through this ordeal with the white hunter she out smarts him by drawing his attention elsewhere so that she can take the 5 cents that he had dropped. Ellison, during the battle royal, tried to use his intelligence against the bigger opponent in the final battle. Ellison tried to persuade Tatlock to loose the match and he would forfeit the winnings to him. He did this to avoid getting beat up, but Tatlock wasn’t interested. Ellison made another offer adding another 5 dollars, but Tatlock still wasn’t interested. Tatlock was more interested in pride than money, which shows how smart he was. Another time Ellison used his intelligence was when the M.C. of the smoker told the boys their winnings was on the rug. What the boys didn’t know was that the rug was electrified, but Ellison was smart and didn’t go directly onto the rug. He would wait on the outer most part of the rug and would scramble to get whatever coins would stray from the rug. He wasn’t able to do this for long though, unfortunately, he would be thrown onto the rug and get electrocuted. In the end, both Jackson and Ellison were both tricked. The white hunter told Jackson that he would have given her a dime if he had the money. However, he dropped a nickel, which means he had money; he just didn’t want to give it to her. Ellison was tricked as well because the coins that were supposed to be money weren’t. The coins were fake and had advertisements of automobiles on them.<<<rather than summarizing all of this, discuss in your own words. from 'in then end' and on, it is good. before that there is way too much summarizing for a college paper.

Phoenix Jackson and Ralph Ellison faced similarities in human experience, although they differed in setting. They had to overcome the obstacle of being black in a time of racism. Jackson out smarted the hunter and Ellison used his intelligence to try to do as little harm to himself as possible. Both also never lost track of what they were set to do, although Jackson had memory loss, her maternal instinct kept her going. Jackson and Ellison embodied a state of perseverance and had the will to overcome the obstacles they faced to reach their goals.<<<i also think this should be revised. my theory on writing is that, if you have a dope opening and closing, the reader often doesnt have to read as much in the actual body. i know it doesnt make sense, but i know i have had great openers and closers and crappy bodies, yet still have received a's on these papers. so i dunno, what i usually do is relate it to something modern. its hard with an english paper, but whatever. also, as Konijn stated, you should definitely try and refrain from the summary. try and make it more of your own thoughts and idea about the books. another quick suggestion would be to seperate into new paragraphs when you change from Jackson to Ellison. overall, i think you have the right ideas, but you're just struggling to find your own words.

Well, i didnt know you had revised it, so this is on the first version. hope this helps...

well, i just read the newer ver. much better, but still needs some changing.

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*can't imagine it feelin' much better...
i wish it would just last forever.
and so, to feel like that?
i'd pay any price just to get that back.*