i only like the first 1

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, make sure he's dead."
> >There is a silence... and then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"


Harold was an old man, he was sick, and he was in the hospital.
Anyway, there was this one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"
Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day, Old Harold had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bedside stand.
He had been given a Urine Bottle to fill for testing.
The juice was apple juice.
So you know where the juice went.
Well, the nurse came in a little later and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it.
"My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today."
At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top, and drinks it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time."
The nurse fainted. Old Harold just smiled.

Todays worst joke:

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, PeggySue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat," he says.
"That's cool." says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," with a wink for Bobby.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"