Randomly chosen from the archive:

Did you hear Micheal jackson has agreed to "split custody" of his kids with his ex-wife?
Yeah! He gets them from the waist down!
Did you here about the new Ultra-sensitive Condoms?
After you fuck her, they stay behind to cuddle and talk!
Did you here about the day-after pill for men?
It changes your blood-type!


A priest and a rabbi operate a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwine, they decide to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they park it on the street between both houses of worship.
Later on that same evening, the rabbi looks out and sees the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurries out and asks the priest what he's doing.
"I'm blessing it," the priest replies.
The rabbi considers this a moment, then goes back inside the synagogue. He reappears a moment later with a hacksaw, walks over to the back of the car and cuts off two inches of the tailpipe.
The priest asks: "What did you do that for?"
The Rabbi replies: "I'm circumcising it!"

That days worst jokes:

Q: What is a person called, who has no left eye, ear, hand and foot?
A: All right!!

Q: do you know how pinnochio found out he was made of wood?
A: his hand caught on fire.

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott.
Anyway, it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

*** *** ***

A doorman working at a brothel hears a knock at the door. He opens up, and two sailors are standing there. They ask: "What can we get for a five bucks?"
"For five bucks?!" the doorman says, outraged, "You can suck each other's dicks for five bucks!" He then slams the door in their faces.
Ten minutes latter, there's another knock at the door. It's the sailors again. "What do YOU guys want?" the doorman roars.
"Where do we pay up?" they ask.


Two young princes were walking down the road near a castle. All of the sudden they see a princess. They look at each other and go over to the princess and say, "We would do anything to marry you."
The princess says, "Well, Its not up to me to decide which one of you to marry."
The first prince says, "What can we do?"
The princess replies. "You must talk to my father first."
They head off to the castle to see the king. The king says, "OK, to marry my daughter, you both must accomplish a task."
The princes nod their heads.
The king leads them outside to the wall surrounding the town. The king says, "OK, you must jump the wall, swim across the lake, Go to the farm, have sex with the cow, and come back."
The first prince says, "That's easy!" and jumps the wall and drowns in the lake.
The second prince climbs the wall, swims the lake, goes to the farm, copulates with the cow and comes back.
The king says, "OK. Now you may pay me a hundred gold pieces to marry my daughter."
The prince thinks about it for a second and asks: "How much for the cow?"

That days worst jokes:

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a flea?
A: a itchy cock!

Q: what do you call a gay dwarf?
A: a low blow!

Q: what is one thing that a spermcell and a man have in commom?
A: only one out of a billion will be the perfect one!

*** *** ***

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
The lady say's "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the druggist. The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says "Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription!"


On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer ... for a couple of months, and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered. "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
"Great," said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"


That days worst joke:

Two fools walk on a railroadtrack. Said the one: "is it still faraway?". Said the other: "I don't think so, it must be there in the near distance where the rails join themselves".
After another hour of walking, said the one: "come on, this is not possible". The other looked back and said: "Gosh, we already passed it!"

*** *** ***

An old farmer went to town to see a movie.
The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster, Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the rooster down his pants.
He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater, sitting down next to two little old ladies named Patty and Marcy.
The movie started.
The rooster began to squirm.
The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marcy," whispered Patty.
"What?" answered Marcy.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marcy.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his cock out," whispered Patty.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marcy. "At our age we've seen 'em all."
"That's what I thought, too," said Patty, "but this one's eating my popcorn!"


This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture, she figured that she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.


That days worst joke:

Saddam Hussein's son comes home from shopping with everything in a cardboard box......
His dad says: "Why have you brought the shopping home in a cardboard box, son?"
His son replies: "Because there's no Baghdad."

*** *** ***

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in Arkansas out on the farm up in the hills. Pa has found out that the hole for the outhouse is full. He goes in the house and tells Ma he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'un down the road? He must be smart because he's a college graduate."
So Pa drives down to the neighbors. He asks him "Mr. College Graduate, my hole for the outhouse is full and I don't know what to do to empty it."
The young'un tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Light them both under the outhouse. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. The second one will then go off and spread the shit all across your farm and fertilize your ground. The outhouse will then come back down to the same spot and you will have an empty hole for outhouse."
Pa thanks the neighbor and picks up two sticks of dynamite at the hardware store, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the corner of the outhouse. He lights them and then runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!
BOOM!!!
Off goes the first stick of dynamite and shoots the outhouse in the air.
BOOM!!!
Off goes the second stick of dynamite and spreads the shit all across the farm.
The outhouse comes crashing back down on the hole.
Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you alright??!!"
As she tidies her dress she says, "Yeah, but boy howdy, I got here just in time, let me tell you!"


Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they came upon this harem with over 100 beautiful women.
They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will each die and in a way corres-ponding to your profession."
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop," says the first man. "All right, shoot his penis off!", said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a fireman," said the second man. "All right, burn his penis off!" said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a big smile on his face, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

That days worst joke:

what do you call the shit at the end of a fags dick? gay poopon. ha ha ha

*** *** ***

A Georgia woodpecker and a Kentucky woodpecker were arguing about which state had the toughest trees.
The Georgia woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Kentucky woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Georgia woodpecker was in awe. The Kentucky woodpecker then challenged the Georgia woodpecker to peck a tree in Kentucky that was absolutely un-peckable.
The Georgia woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to Kentucky, the Georgia woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Kentucky woodpecker was able to peck the Georgia tree and the Georgia woodpecker was able to peck the Kentucky tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.


Doctor: "I'm afraid you've got SARS."
Patient: "Is there anything you can do?"
Doctor: "Well, first of all we're putting you on an all-pizza diet."
Patient: "Will that cure me?"
Doctor: "No... But we can slide them under the door!"

That days worst joke:

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam.
After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems.
I did notice one anomaly, however."
"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
"Well, you have no nipples."
"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.
"That is amazing," said the doc. "I'd like to write this up for The New England Journal of Medicine if you don't mind."
She said, "OK."
"First of all" asked the doc, "how many people are in your tribe?"
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doc.
Running Doe replied....................
"We're called the Indian Nippleless Five Hundred."

*** *** ***

Q: What are the three two-letter words women use to describe a state of smallness?
A: "Is it in?"


A man walks into a whorehouse and asks to have the biggest, darkest-skinned black womam in the place. So the manager says: "Follow me."
The manager takes him to the second floor, opens the first door to his right and there is a beautiful 350 pound African American women. The man replies: "She's not big enough."
"Not big enough?!" the manager yells out.
"That is what I said. I need a women of at least 7oo pounds."
So the manager steps back, rubbing his chin, and says "Okay, come back in acouple of days and I'll see what I can do."
"Thank you," says the man.
A couple of days later the man comes back and the manager takes him to the second floor, opens the first door on his right and BOOM there she is, the exact kind of woman he wanted! The man tells the woman to get naked and lay on the bed spread eagle, so she does. The man stares at her pussy for ten solid minutes, then gets up and says "I'm done."
The manager hasn't even left the room by this point, so he says: "What do you mean you're done?"
"Well you see," came the reply, "I just painted my house black and I wanted to see what It would look like with pink shutters!"

That days worst joke:

Two queers are walking down the street when they see Tom Cruise go by in a limo.
"I've fucked him." Says one.
"No shit?" Asks the other.
"Well, not much."

*** *** ***

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles." The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said, "Where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "In Vietnam."


Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game, but unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.
"I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow!"
"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.
"Where are you going?" Jane asked.
"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied.
Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'"
Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep, with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.
"The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.
And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.
The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question. "Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.
"Very good. Six seconds."
"Eh, uh, the heart?"
"Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

That days worst joke:

Q. What does a gay man call a dingal berry?
A. A crouton
You know tossing the salad, crouton... get it.

*** *** ***

Q: What's the best part about dating a homeless woman?
A: You can drop her off anywhere.


A woman answered the knock at her door and found a destitute man. He wanted to earn money by doing odd jobs, so she asked: "Can you paint?"
"Yes," he said, "I'm a pretty good painter."
"Well, here's a gallon of green paint and a brush. Go behind the house and you'll see a porch that needs repainting. Be very careful. When you're done, I'll look it over and pay you what it's worth."
It wasn't more than an hour before he knocked again. "All finished!" he reported with a smile.
"Did you do a good job?" she asked.
"Yes, but lady, there's one thing I'd like to point out to you. That's not a Porsche back there. That's a Mercedes!"

That days worst joke:

Two man were jailed for five years. One was Indian and
the other was an African. As they reached the prison
they were asked how they will spend their time in the
prison.
So the Indian said"I'll write a novel about Life In
Prison".
the African said"I 'll buy TAMPAX so i can be able to
go for horse riding and swimming while am in prison.

*** *** ***

God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"
Adam says, "Tell me the good news first."
God says, "I'm going to give you a penis and a brain. You'll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect."
Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad news?"
God says, "I'm only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a time."


A man goes to see the Rabbi.. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said, "yes", and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

That days worst joke:

At Jeffrey Dahmer's trial, the judge was so curious to what posessed Dahmer to consume his victims, that he asked him: "Mr. Dahmer, why did you eat your last lover?"
Dahmer replied: "Well your Honor... he was rottin in bed!"

*** *** ***

A guy and a girl are parked out in the sticks, making out. Just as things are getting really hot, she stops him and says, "I should have said something sooner, but I'm a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."
The guy pays her and they get back to buisness.After they finish,the guy leans back in the drivers seat and stares out the window. The girl says, "Why aren't we going anywhere?"
He says, "I should have said something sooner,but I'm a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is 25 bucks."


Harry answers the telephone, and it's an emergency room doctor.
The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news.
The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

That days worst jokes:

a sausage and an egg were being fried in a frying pan.
the egg said to the sausage "dont you think its hot in here?"
the sausage said "fuck me, a talking egg"

Q: whats the difference between a duck?
A: one of its legs are both the same!

Q: why are elephants large grey and wrinkly?
A: if they were small white and round, theyd be asprins

*** *** ***

God went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
And the Germans asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
And the French asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
So He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
And the Jews asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
So the Jews said, "How much are they?"
"They're free." the Lord replied.
"We'll take 10."


A pompous preacher was seated next to a Texas cowboy on a flight to Idaho. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would also like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely attacked by a brazen whore, than let liquor touch my lips."
"Hold on there, little lady," said the Texas cowboy as he handed his drink back to the flight attendant. "I didn't realize I had a choice!"

That days worst joke:

Three friends had been to camp. The tent was very small, therefore they had that to sleep well together, in the same mattress and with the same blanket. One happens, that one of the three had a famous insuportável and already bad breath, of the type "kill-vulture". Before that inevitable physical proximity, one of the friends made following the proposal:
- little breath, we go to combine thus: when you to need to say some thing, you beat palms than we we will hide ourselves underneath of the blanket to protect our nostrils
- little breath balanced the head agreeing. When already the three were duly covered and chemical preparations to sleep, little breath beats palms. The two friends, more than fast, underneath thread its heads of the blanket and, of there of the deep one, they cry out:
- It can speak, little breath!
- I snorted...


And a translation of that joke into english:

Three morons: Albert, Butch, and Charlie, were so poor they had to share a bed.
Worse, Charlie had chronic halitosis!
To protect themselves from Charlie's breath, Albert and Butch decreed that if he needed to say something in bed, Charlie had to give fair warning by clapping his hands twice to allow the others to duck under the covers.
All agreed and they settled down for sleep.
Suddenly Charlie clapped twice, and as arranged, Albert and Butch ducked under the covers.
Butch: (voice muffled): "Ok Charlie, you can talk now."
Charlie: "OK boys... I just farted!"


Thatll do for now

Last edited by DJ-Fuq on Oct-06-2003 at 09:52