Jokes
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and
affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives,
read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates
reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto
industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology
like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
$25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a
press release stating: If GM had developed technology
like! Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the
following characteristics ( and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice
a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you
would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no
reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the
road, close all of the windows, shut off the car,
restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left
turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to
restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the
sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy
to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning
lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has
Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car
would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you
simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key
and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would
have to learn how to drive all over again because none
of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10.You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Now this is DRUNK!!!
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?" "Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies. The cop asks- "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.......... "I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot, steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
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Lol....
