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Jokes part 134
A woman went to her psychiatrist
because she was having severe problems with her
sex life.
The psychiatrist asked her many questions but
did not seem to be getting a clear picture of
her problems.
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's
face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did he look?"
"Very angry."
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he
was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well
that's very interesting, we must look into this
further. Now tell me, you say that you have only
seen your husband's face once during sex; that
seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that
you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking through the window at us."
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A blonde, wanting to
earn some money, decided to hire herself out
as a handyman type person and started canvassing
a well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front
door of the first house and asked the owner if
he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can
paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The
blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed
and told her that the paint and other materials
that she might need were in the garage. The man's
wife, inside the house, heard the conversation
and said to her husband, "Does she realize that
the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing
on it." A short time later the blonde came to
the door to collect her money. "You're finished
already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered,
"and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket
for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added,
"it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus
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Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What
would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled
over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds.
She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won
a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When
the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she
would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she
said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since
they had been there before, he guessed her correct
weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again
he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed,"
she responded. By this time, Joe figured she
was really weird and took her home early, dropping
her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind
date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura,
it was wousy." 
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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding
and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended
when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this
vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of
it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove
box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after
I shot and killed the woman who owns this car
and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called
his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by
police, and the captain approached the driver
to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove
box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove
box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk?
I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer
who stopped you said you told him you didn't
have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the
glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the
trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding,
too.
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A lady was walking down the street to work
and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a
pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady,
you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work. On the
way home she saw the same parrot and it said
to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day
the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady,
you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the
store and said that she would sue the store and
kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's
not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day
after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
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A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of
a restroom facility. But each time he tried,
it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware
of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's
ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any
of the buttons.
There next to the paper roll were four buttons
marked: WW WA PP ATR.
Making the mistake soooo many men make of not
listening to a woman, he disregarded what she
said when his curiosity got the best of him.
He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately
a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare
bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have
it nice!!
So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button
and body temperature Warm Air blew across his
wet bottom and dried it comfortably.
"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take
so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"
So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation.
A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him
and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached
out for the ATR button. When he awoke in the
hospital, the morphine was just wearing off...
confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what
happened.
He explained the last thing he remembered was
intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.
The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been
having a great time until you pushed the Automatic
Tampon Removal button."
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