In little Johnny's class at school, there's this kid with no arms or legs called Philip. One day after school, Johnny goes round his house and knocks on the door.

Philip's mother answers the door, and says, "Yes Johnny, what can I do for you?"

"Can Philip come out? - we're all skipping in the park"

Philip's mum says, "But Johnny, you know he's got no arms or legs."

"Yeah, I know," says little Johnny, "I just want to see his stumps bleed."

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One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fuckin' beautiful!'"

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One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.

She started with, "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."

"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home."

The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy."

"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnnie said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnnie instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."

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Little Johnny's father sat down next to him on the couch one day and said, "Okay, Johnny, once there was this big, black rooster, and it was sitting on a fence post. How many wings does the rooster have?"

Johnny replied, "It has two."

Little Johnny's father then asked, "How many eyes does the rooster have?"

Johnny replied, "It has two."

Little Johnny's father then asked, "Well then, how many legs do you think the rooster had?"

Johnny replied, "It has two, daddy."

So then, Little Johnny's daddy said, "Well then, a white cat walks up to where the big black rooster is standing on the fence post and opens its mouth to hiss at the rooster. How many teeth does the cat have?"

Little Johnny scratched his head and replied, "I don't know daddy, how many teeth does the cat have?"

Little Johnny's daddy grabbed him by the arm and exclaimed, "Alright boy, how come you know so much about big black cock and so little about white pussy?"

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Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact."

The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?"

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.

The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, there wasn't a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.

Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt. "No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a Double-Barrel!"

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One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny.

Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.

Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

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Two twins, Donny and Johnny, are asked by their parents what they each would like for their 10th birthday.

"I'd like a new bike" says Donny. "Then I could ride around and see everything that happens in the neighborhood".

"And I'd like a radio for my room" says Johnny. "Then I would hear all the news that goes on in town".

So their parents buy them the gifts. Later on that day, Donny is out on his bike when he comes upon a serious car crash. There are bodies and emergency vehicles all over.

"I gotta go tell Mom" says Donny, so he races back to the house and shouts "Mom! There's been a terrible accident!"

"Yeah, yeah" says his brother, "We heard all about it on my new radio."

Donny is disappointed he could not be first with the news, so he leaves on his bike. A little while later, he comes upon a burning orphanage. "Wow! I gotta go tell Mom."

So he races home again and yells for his Mom, but again Johnny interupts and says "We heard it all on my new radio."

Once again Donny leaves disappointed. He rides and rides until he is out in the country. He sees a big, fat pig all alone in a field, and decides since he appears to be alone, to fuck the pig. He has his first orgasm and is so excited he thinks "I gotta go tell Mom!"

He races home and yells "Mom, Mom! I lost my virginity!"

And his brother says with a sneer "In a pig's ass you did!" and Donny says "That FUCKIN' radio!!!"

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Little Johnny went to school one day and was sitting in class when the teacher asked, "Who can use the word contagious in a sentence?"

So little Johnny's arm shot up and he wanted to answer the question really badly but the teacher, unsure of the response, asked little Maggie. Little Maggie quickly stood up and said "My sister has a cold and it's contagious" to which the teacher responded "Good answer!"

Then the teacher asked again "Can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?" Again little Johnny's arm shot up and again the teacher overlooked Johnny and opted for another student, Mark.

Mark quickly stood up and said "If you have the measles you are contagious"

"Very good!" was the response from the teacher.

So the teacher feeling bad for overlooking little Johnny said "Go ahead little Johnny if you can use the word contagious in a sentence we would all like to hear it."

So little Johnny stood up and said "Well me and my dad were out on the porch one day and my mom was mowing the lawn. After 5 minutes of mowing the lawn my mom came and sat down and had a beer, and my dad said "Go mow the lawn!" So my mom she went and mowed the lawn. After another 5 minutes of mowing the lawn my mom came back and sat down and had another beer, so my dad said "Go mow the lawn!" So my mom she went to mow the lawn again. My dad turned to me and said "Son it's going to take that **** ages to mow the lawn!"

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One day, a class of third graders from the city were taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm. So the farmer asked one little girl, "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?"

"The hen lays eggs," replied the little girl.

"Very good!" said the farmer.

Then the farmer asked another little girl, "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?"

"Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day."

"Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asked little Johnny, "Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?"

"Yeah," replied little Johnny with a grin. "Bulls smile when you milk them."

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One day, during English class, Miss Figpot asks her class, "Who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?"

The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No one knows. Finally, Little Johnny sticks up his hand.

The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his propensity for foul language and sexual inuendo, looks for another student to ask. Finally when no one else raises their hand, she says,

"Yes, Johnny?"

"Miss Figpot, it means lovely."

Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny, can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?"

"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mom say, 'that's lovely.' Dad replied to her, 'Yep, it's in different.' "