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Jokes part 140
An elderly couple was driving across the country.
While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple
was pulled over by the highway patrol.
"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the
officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband
and asked, "What did he say?"
"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband again, "What
did he say?"
The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your
license!"
The woman then gave the officer her license.
"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman
said. "I spent some time there once and went
on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever
seen."
The woman turned to her husband again and asked,
"What did he say?"
The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"
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A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While
the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the
problems he has getting a close shave around
the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking
a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just
place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and
the barber proceeds with the closest shave the
man has ever experienced. After a few strokes,
the client asks in garbled speech, "And what
if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring
it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
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Bernie was invited to his friend's home for
dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request
to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey,
My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That
is really nice, that after all these years that
you have been married, you keep calling your
wife those pet names."
Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell
the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"
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Grandpa and grandma were watching the television
evangelical show and the preacher said, if the
viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one
hand on the television set and the other hand
on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television
set, placed her righthand on the set and her
left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was
causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed
his right hand on the set and his left hand on
his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you
just don't get it. The purpose of doing this
is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."
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A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender,
"Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, you should know something.
Our bartender IS blonde and the bouncer is blonde.
I'm a 6' tall blonde, 200 lb black belt. The
guy sitting next to me is a blonde, 6' 2, weighs
225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your
right is 6' 5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler.
Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister.
You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna
have to explain it five times."
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A cowboy, a sheep, and a dog were survivors
of a terrible plane crash. They found themselves
stranded on the prairie. After being there a
while, they got into the habit of going to the
mesa every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with
beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm
and gentle; a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there atop the mesa, the sheep
started looking better and better to the cowboy.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his
arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling
fiercely until the cowboy took his arm from around
the sheep. After that, the three of them continued
to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was
no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there
was another plane crash. The only survivor was
a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman
the cowboy had ever seen. She was in a pretty
bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly
nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they
introduced her to their evening ritual. It was
another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds,
a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night
of romance.
Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those
feelings" again. He fought them as long as he
could, but he finally gave in and leaned over
to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered
in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog
for a walk?"
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A sales rep, an administration clerk and the
manager are walking to lunch when they find an
antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three
wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,
without a care in the world." Poof!
She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!"
says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,
an endless supply of pina coladas and the love
of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the
office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have
the first say.
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