Quotations about Sex


Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus. ~Bob Rubin


Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography. ~Robert Byrne, quoted in 1,911 Best Things Anybody Ever Said, 1988


Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast. ~Woody Allen


The tragedy of sexual intercourse is the perpetual virginity of the soul. ~William B. Yeats


Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. ~Author Unknown


Flies spread disease - keep yours zipped. ~Author Unknown


The best contraceptive is the word no - repeated frequently. ~Margaret Smith


Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love. ~Woody Allen


For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward. ~Jay Leno


Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. ~Swami X


Men get laid, but women get screwed. ~Quentin Crisp


It is bad enough that people are dying of AIDS, but no one should die of ignorance. ~Elizabeth Taylor


When a guy goes to a hooker, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying her to leave. ~Author Unknown


A dirty book is rarely dusty. ~Author Unknown


Sex. In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact. ~Marlene Dietrich


When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute. ~Author Unknown


Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love. ~Butch Hancock


To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals. ~Don Schrader


The best sex education for kids is when Daddy pats Mommy on the fanny when he comes home from work. ~William H. Masters


Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. ~Spike Milligan


There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection is the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. ~Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour


No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. ~Abraham Lincoln


My reaction to porn films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I want to go home and screw. After the first 20 minutes, I never want to screw again as long as I live. ~Erica Jong, Playboy Magazine, September 1975


Familiarity breeds contempt - and children. ~Mark Twain, Notebooks, 1935


Why do they put the Gideon Bibles only in the bedrooms, where it's usually too late, and not in the barroom downstairs? ~Christopher Morley


We all worry about the population explosion, but we don't worry about it at the right time. ~Arthur Hoppe


What is commonly called love, namely the desire of satisfying a voracious appetite with a certain quantity of delicate white human flesh. ~Henry Fielding


Sex is God's joke on human beings. ~Bette Davis


Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. ~Woody Allen


Against diseases here the strongest fence
Is the defensive vertue, Abstinence.
~Robert Herrick, "Abstinence"


Life without sex might be safer but it would be unbearably dull. It is the sex instinct which makes women seem beautiful, which they are once in a blue moon, and men seem wise and brave, which they never are at all. Throttle it, denaturalize it, take it away, and human existence would be reduced to the prosaic, laborious, boresome, imbecile level of life in an anthill. ~Henry Louis Mencken


AIDS obliges people to think of sex as having, possibly, the direst consequences: suicide. Or murder. ~Susan Sontag


There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats. ~Elton John


There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex. ~Billy Joel


Sex without love is merely healthy exercise. ~Robert Heinlein


The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to get dressed up for it. ~Truman Capote


It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry. ~H.L. Mencken, Notebooks, 1956


Sex relieves tension - love causes it. ~Woody Allen


If you use the electric vibrator near water, you will come and go at the same time. ~Louise Sammons


Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve. ~Andy Rooney


I think I could fall madly in bed with you. ~Author Unknown


Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. ~Groucho Marx


Sex is emotion in motion. ~Mae West


Love's mysteries in souls do grow,
But yet the body is his book.
~John Donne, Extasy


Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't! ~George Bernard Shaw


I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty. ~John Waters


For women the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time. ~Isabel Allende


Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best. ~Woody Allen


Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman. ~Woody Allen


Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children; life is the other way around. ~David Lodge, The British Museum Is Falling Down, 1965


Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth century it was a disease; in the twentieth, it's a cure. ~Thomas Szasz


We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation. ~Lily Tomlin


An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex. ~Aldous Huxley


The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs less. ~Brendan Francis, Playboy, 1985


The art of procreation and the members employed therein are so repulsive, that if it were not for the beauty of the faces and the adornments of the actors and the pent-up impulse, nature would lose the human species. ~Leonardo da Vinci


I know nothing about sex, because I was always married. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor


If it's not a headboard it's just not worth it. ~Rachel on Friends, talking about people bumping their heads


Desire is in men a hunger, in women only an appetite. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960


The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating. ~Unknown psychology professor in neuropsychology course


Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. ~George Burns


It is not sex that gives the pleasure, but the lover. ~Marge Piercy


A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question." ~Author Unknown


Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics. ~Author Unknown


Sex got me into trouble from the age of fifteen: I'm hoping that by the time I'm seventy I'll straighten it out. ~Harold Robbins


Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960


Conservatives say teaching sex education in the public schools will promote promiscuity. With our education system? If we promote promiscuity the same way we promote math or science, they've got nothing to worry about. ~Beverly Mickins


Nature abhors a virgin - a frozen asset. ~Clare Booth Luce


A widespread taste for pornography means that nature is alerting us to some threat of extinction. ~J.G. Ballard, "News from the Sun," Myths of the Near Future, 1982


You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct. ~W. Somerset Maugham, The Bread-Winner


Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. ~John Barrymore


It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins. ~Chinese Proverb


Chastity: The most unnatural of the sexual perversions. ~Aldous Huxley, Eyeless in Gaza, 1936


He no play-da-game. He no make-a-da rules! ~Earl Butz, referring to the Pope's stricture against contraception


Obscenity is whatever gives the Judge an erection. ~Author Unknown


The only thing wrong with being an atheist is that there's nobody to talk to during an orgasm. ~Author Unknown


Out upon it, I have lov'd
Three whole days together;
And am like to love three more,
If it prove fair weather.
~John Suckling


Love ain't nothing but sex misspelled. ~Harlan Ellison


Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player. It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in. ~Casey Stengel


Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable. ~Lord Chesterfield


Virginity can be lost by a thought. ~St. Jerome


The tragedy is when you've got sex in the head instead of down where it belongs. ~D.H. Lawrence


Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? ~Rita Rudner


Pornography is supposed to arouse sexual desires. If pornography is a crime, when will they arrest makers of perfume? ~Richard Fleischer


Instruction in sex is as important as instruction in food; yet not only are our adolescents not taught the physiology of sex, but never warned that the strongest sexual attraction may exist between persons so incompatible in tastes and capacities that they could not endure living together for a week much less a lifetime. ~George Bernard Shaw, Everybody's Political What's What, 1944


Were kisses all the joys in bed,
One woman would another wed.
~William Shakespeare, Sonnets to Sundry Notes of Music, IV


Sex is the great amateur art. The professional, male or female, is frowned on: he or she misses the point, and spoils the show. ~David Cort


The best contraceptive is a glass of cold water: not before or after, but instead. ~Author Unknown


Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. ~Author Unknown


Isn't it interesting how the sounds are the same for an awful nightmare and great sex? ~From the television show The Golden Girls


I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.' ~Woody Allen


Vanity, revenge, loneliness, boredom, all apply: lust is one of the least of the reasons for promiscuity. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966


Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. ~Author Unknown


The reproduction of mankind is a great marvel and mystery. Had God consulted me in the matter, I should have advised him to continue the generation of the species by fashioning them out of clay. ~Martin Luther


What they love to yield they would often rather have stolen. Rough seduction delights them, the boldness of near rape is a compliment. ~Ovid, The Art of Love


When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. ~Frederike Ryder


My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one. ~Bob Hope


Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? ~Author Unknown


I once knew a woman who offered her honor
So I honored her offer
And all night long I was on her and off her.
~Author Unknown


Those who have prophesied dreadful consequences as a result of the greater sexual freedom which the young assert - unwanted babies, venereal disease and so on - are usually the very same people who seek the fulfillment of their prophecies by opposing the free availability to the young of contraception and the removal of the stigma and mystification that surround venereal disease. ~Colin Ward, Anarchy in Action


An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think about it, the harder it gets. ~Author Unknown


Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands. ~Jayne Mansfield


I'm all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults. ~Gore Vidal


When the history of civilization is written, it will be a biological history and Margaret Sanger will be its heroine. ~H.G. Wells, 1935


There is nothing like early promiscuous sex for dispelling life's bright mysterious expectations. ~Iris Murdoch


The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on. ~Author Unknown


Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken. ~Author Unknown


Tell him I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa. ~Dorothy Parker


My cock doesn't talk politics. ~S. Sachs


I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them. ~Jay McInerney


I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now. ~Author Unknown


A student undergoing a word-association test was asked why a snowstorm put him in mind of sex. He replied frankly: "Because everything does." ~Honor Tracy


How lucky we are that we can reach our genitals instead of that spot on our back that itches. ~Flash Rosenberg


The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. ~Gloria Leonard


Its avowed purpose is to excite sexual desire, which, I should have thought, is unnecessary in the case of the young, inconvenient in the case of the middle aged, and unseemly in the old. Malcolm Muggeridge, on pornography, Tread Softly For You Tread On My Jokes, 1966


Sex is interesting, but it's not totally important. I mean it's not even as important (physically) as excretion. A man can go seventy years without a piece of ass, but he can die in a week without a bowel movement. ~Charles Bukowski, Notes on a Dirty Old Man


When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. ~Matt Groening


There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. ~P.J. O'Rourke


I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. ~J. Edgar Hoover, attributed


Pornography is the attempt to insult sex, to do dirt on it. ~D.H. Lawrence


I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week. ~Author Unknown


Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring. ~S.J. Perelman


It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses. ~Mrs. Patrick Campbell


A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. ~Karl Kraus


Never let the little head do the thinking for the big head. ~Author unknown, advice to teenage boys, quoted in Friendly Advice compiled by Jon Winokur


Our love could change the orbit of the earth. So, if a meteor ever comes hurtling towards earth with the guarantee of destruction, top scientists may call on us to, well, you know, do it like crazy for the sake of humankind. ~Author Unknown


Nothing risqué, nothing gained. ~Alexander Woollcott


To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it. ~Cary Grant


My message to the businessman of this country when they go abroad on business is that there is one thing above all they can take with them to stop them catching AIDS, and that is the wife. ~Edwina Currie, The Observer, 15 February 1987


[T]he common thread that binds nearly all animal species seems to be that males are willing to abandon all sense and decorum, even to risk their lives, in the frantic quest for sex. ~Randy Thornhill and Craig T. Palmer, A Natural History of Rape


Now, if groups like Moral Majority have their way, there won't be any sex education at school, and our kids will be the dumbest in the world when it comes to sex.... But our parents are sexually retarded too.... Fear and primitive morals are creating a sexual pressure-cooker in this country and soon the top will blow.... Only in the U.S. do we find children drawing a picture of a baby coming from the clouds or from under a cabbage leaf. ~Dr. Floyd Martinson