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Triumph Vs Quebec
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Feb. 13, 2004. 10:13 AM
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.
Triumph tops Cherry in insulting Quebecers
VINAY MENON
It's a shame this must end.
For the third straight night, Conan O'Brien and his deranged posse transformed the Elgin into a theatre of the absurd.
Adam Sandler joking about getting to "second base" with his sleeping wife. Hotties in slinky cocktail dresses casually tossing tubes of hemorrhoid ointment into the outstretched arms of screaming teens. Triumph the Insult Comic Dog being unleashed on Quebec separatists.
But more on that in a minute.
Pushing my way past the throng of peasants snaked along Yonge — swaddled in their woollies, stomping their boots to keep warm, chanting eternal praise to Cone Dogg — I was secretly hoping yesterday's taping of Late Night With Conan O'Brien would suck.
All this gushing praise is killing me. Alas, announcer Joel Godard assumed his perch on the balcony, the spine-tingling opening sequence flickered on large screen monitors, the crowd roared, O'Brien walked out, and the prospect of a negative review vaporized in a New York minute.
"I'm getting used to this, I like it out here," O'Brien said, atop an impromptu, "Co-nan! Co-nan! Co-nan!"
The spindly host didn't waste any time getting in a Canadian reference. He quoted Premier Dalton McGuinty as saying, "Thanks to Conan O'Brien, we've never been so proud to not be American."
Then, yes, a joke about the frigid weather. In Toronto, he learned, it's legal to sunbathe topless: "Which explains why I keep hearing the phrase, "Check out the chick with the blue rack.'"
More laughter.
The most biting segment involved Triumph, the show's outrageous, cigar-chomping, celebrity-baiting, poodle-humping, canine hand-puppet. (Think Oscar the Grouch meets Simon Cowell meets crystal meth.)
Living down to his four-word moniker, Triumph paid a visit to Quebec and promptly insulted any French Canadian in sight. Insulted? That doesn't cover it.
"You're French and Canadian so you're obnoxious and dull," Triumph informed one older man. Boasting of his ability to spot the French, he said one guy looked "superior." To his girlfriend: "I can smell your crotch from here."
One poor soul shot Triumph a menacing once-over. He wandered away thoroughly disgusted by the lack of French coming from the unilingual shock-dog.
"You're in North America," Triumph shouted. "Learn the language!"
One bewildered man was asked if the Canadian health care system had provisions for "personality implants." Yet another, a rotund fellow who seemed to be a separatist, was told: "Maybe you should try separating yourself from donuts first."
The very angry pooch then took it upon himself to rename certain streets, throwing up quaint Euro-style signs inscribed with words such as, "Rue des Pussies," "Céline Dion Sucks," and "Eat Me Frenchie."
If the Official Languages Commissioner found it necessary to launch an investigation into Don Cherry, they may well issue a fatwa on Triumph. The dog's virulent assault made Cherry's hockey visor rant seem like a Mary Poppins song about raindrops and kittens.
When actor and comedian Adam Sandler was asked how he felt about being the only non-Canadian guest this week, he mumbled, "I am Canadian."
Building on the laugh, he then fused American pop culture with Canadian geography and claimed to have grown up in "Sasquatchenan" and "Fat Albert-a."
He was asked, "Who was the first Prime Minister of Canada?" His response: Prime Minister Labatts.
He also talked about the "process" of trying to have kids, eliciting a shout-out from the riff-raff: "You can do it!"
"I can do it all night long," Sandler purred.
He must have enjoyed himself because he didn't want to leave. After he was thanked for appearing, he removed his ghetto-puffy jacket and decided to stay. When he left, after three commercial breaks, he paused at the curtain and waved goodbye with the overwrought reluctance of grandma at an airport.
The show did have some lame moments, notably a rehashed competition between the CN Tower and Seattle's Space Needle. Didn't matter. For three straight nights, the Elgin crowd has been so electrified that Conan could nap on his red couch and get a standing ovation.
Other bits on the night included three dudes in New York Mets uniforms parading the Stanley Cup around the stage (the joke being they'll never win a championship); more Photoshop fun with our currency; and a "gay marriage" between Godard and his "Asian boy toy."
The show ended with a performance by Stompin' Tom Connors, strumming his way through "The Hockey Song" before an appreciative crowd.
Garbed in a black leather jacket with tassels, his side-roll cowboy hat slightly askew, his left foot tapping out the chord changes, Connors looked to be having the time of his life.
Appropriately, so did everybody else. Well, except any French Canadians in the house. Triumph's nasty Quebec adventure may lead to a lot of angry barking.
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ahahaha! i love this quote..
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If the Official Languages Commissioner found it necessary to launch an investigation into Don Cherry, they may well issue a fatwa on Triumph.
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heh.. classic.
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Palm Trees > Pine Trees , Sand > Snow
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