On request of the many TA's travelling to Holland, here's a small tour through Amsterdam. The Dutch will give you a warm welcome



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Warehouses. Amsterdam was one of the largest cities in 17th century. Huge trade with Asia, South-America and Africa meant we had to build warehouses to store all the crap we bought there. Nowadays yuppies and other nasty rich people spend 2 million Euro to buy an appartment at these beautyful buildings.



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Anne Frank House and Westerkerk. We all know the story about Anne Frank, the Jewish girl who was murdered by the nazi's. Almost nodody knows the about the ghost of the Westerkerk. At full moon you get the chance to catch a glimpse of this strange phenomenon. The ghost will sound the bells of the tower and stream: oooooooooowwwwwww! Some people say it's a pimp who died in the middle-ages, others say it's Rembrandt. The truth may well never be discovered.



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Gin-factory. Jenever is the Dutch name for gin. Gin has been made her for 300 years, but nowadays business is going slow. Nobody drinks anymore, everybody is getting stoned instead. This might well be the last chance to buy a bottle of authentic jenever. The owner thinks of starting a coffeeshop soon.



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Raephof. A hof is an couple of houses surrounding a garden, only accessable by a small gate. Often people of the same status live inside these hofs, such as widows (or in modern time: lesbians). This particular hof was build in 1648, the name Raep probably refers to 'rap'. The widows would all come together and sing songs about money, wagons and jewelry.



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Parkeerbeheer. There's a strict parking law in Amsterdam. Not only is it very expensive to park, if you forget to pay or put the car at the wrong spot they will give you a wheel clamp or even tow it away. Most of these people used to be unemployed and were forced to do this job, so don't expect them to be tolerant or nice. It's ok to use bad language when you're a victim of their evil, it's included with the fine.



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Cafe. This is one of the oldest cafe's in Amsterdam at the Prinsengracht (Canal T.A.F.K.A.P). There's a large selection of beers, wines and liquor. If you want to get to know the Dutch people, this is the way. Since every Dutchmen speaks English the conversation might get interesting. Please be aware: don't talk about politics and football unless you're armed.



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Houseboats. Since there's a shortage of homes, some people decide the live on the water. It's not as bad as it looks if you don't mind the smell of the dirty water and people in boats watching you while having sex. When the Dutch National Football Team or Ajax Amsterdam win a cup, these boats are bound to sink. Some houseboats will be invaded by 1500 people, which is 50x the load it can carry.



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Monuments. Amsterdam has over 8500 monuments. This particular building at the Bloemgracht (Weed Canal) was build in 1642. The delicate windows survived storms through the years thanks to the wooden boards that can be put in front of them. In the winter it could get pretty cold, and people tend to steal them to put in their fireplaces. That's why most of these boards were bobytrapped. As a result, in 350 years about 34 people died at this location.



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Kattegat. The Kattegat is one of the oldest area's in Amsterdam. The restaurant you see here was build in 1612 and is still in use. Kattegat means Pussyhole, in the middle-ages they used the cats because of the enormous rat problem. After a while the cats were gone and they decided to eat them. Cats are still on the menu, the sexclub on the corner uses the animals for some kind of sexual ritual.



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Magna Plaza. Magna Plaza used to be the main postoffice in Amsterdam. After everyone started to use email they decided to turn it into a shopping centre. Foreign people pay 20% more when they shop here, they say it's tax but actually we don't pay taxes in Holland. The goverment recieves all her money from their porn and cannabis business.



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The Waag. The Waag is where they used to weight the crap we traded in the Golden Century. Of course during the years the building was also used for other purposes: prison, fire station and S&M basement. Nowadays it's a grand cafe.The people on the front are doing a yellow bike tour. Every day around 12 tourist get seriously injured riding a bike because they get hit by trams or drive into a canal.



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The Old Church. The old church is at the heart of the Red Light District. In the 17th and 18th century, nons and priests would do sexual favours for sailormen who visited Amsterdam on their journey. Ever since the porn business has been booming, especially since prostitution became legal in Holland.



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Red Light District. Amsterdam is famous for its Red Light District. Everything which is illegal in your country is allowed here. Every area has it specialty such as gay sex, black women or S&M. Although the area might seem dangerous, actually it isnt. The Hells Angels are in charge of the place, policemen are at every corner (that's where the so called 'snack bars' are). Beware: don't take pictures of hookers if you like eating solid food.



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Royal Place and National Momument. Amsterdam wanted to get rid of the queen so they put a giant dildo in front of her window. She was shocked and moved to The Hague. In the 60's, hippies discovered the monument as the best place to do sit-in's and smoke weed. The Royal Palace is one of the 8th world wonders since it was build on 20000 wooden poles. That also explains why there are almost no trees left in Amsterdam.



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Damrak. The Damrak is the boulevard from Central Station to Damsquare. It's beautyful neon signs color the sky. If you're a tourist who doesn't believe coffeeshops actually excist, this is the place to buy xtc, cocaine and speed. Try to avoid the dodgy looking Moroccan boys, unless you want to take one of them to your hotel. If you like to spend your 20 euro on something else than a quick anal tour, choose on of the many pizza places run by Turkish and Paki longbeards.



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Coffeeshops. The Grasshopper and The Bulldog are known all over the world. This is not the place to get a good cappucino though. The main thing they sell is grass. Grass in 50 different kinds and strenght. Never ever ask for the strongest stuff, you are bound to jump out of you're hotel window as you feel chased by demons.



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Sexmuseum. Amsterdam has some of the most famous museums in the world: The Rijksmuseum, Van Gogh Museum and Stedelijk museum have a huge colllection or arts. The best visited museum is called the sexmuseum. It's the best place to learn how to have sex before you decide to spend 50 euro's on a smelly hooker at the Red Light District.



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Amsterdam. The Amsterdam is a replica of a ship which the Dutch used to sail to Australia and Japan. The original boat sunk at it's maiden voyage at the coast of England due to a storm. One of it's canons is displayed at the Nautical Museum. The replica can be used at wartime, such as missions in Iraq. Below the wooden deck a Tomahawk missile launch system is installed, the sails are actually high power radars


Hope you enjoyed the virtual tour. See you in Amsterdam!


copyright jp 2004 all rights reserved

Last edited by jp on Jun-24-2004 at 18:42