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Q. What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A. Stick his bill up his ass.
Q. Why do girls have belly-button rings?
A. So you can hang an air freshener
Q. What's the difference between medium and rare?
A. 5 to 7 inches is medium, ten to twelve is rare.
Q. What is a lesbian?
A. Just another woman trying to do a man's job!
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Al Gore?
A: Gore got screwed while the whole world watched.
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
What has 148 teeth and can hold back the incredible hulk?
My zipper!
Q. Do you know what 6.9 is?
A. A good thing screwed up by a period.
Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
Q: Why do women have vaginas?
A: So men will talk to them.
Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It's sex with someone they love.
Q: What do lesbians call viagra?
A: Batteries
Q.whats the useless piece of flesh around a vagina called?....
A. ...a woman
Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A. Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....)
Q. Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It changes their blood type.
Q. What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
A. Come in eight flavors.
Q. What's six inches long that women love?
A. Folding money.
Q. When does a cub become a boy scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie.
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: Why do men name their penis?
A: They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of
their decisions.
Q: Why do only 30% of men get into Heaven?
A: If it were more, it would be Hell.
Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.
Q: Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A: Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying, "Yo".
Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say fuck?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Q: What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A: A Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
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Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade
girl's house. One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!" The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football.
The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah!"
The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!" Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boy's bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his most
private of parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and
your mother can't go buy you one!"
The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl,
"Well,what do you have to say NOW?"
So she pulls up her dress and says...
"My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"
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Gun Shop Owner: Hi, How can I help you?
Client: I am looking for a gun.
Owner: What kind of gun are you looking for?
Client: (pointing at the biggest handgun in the case): That one looks about right.
Owner: (very surprised): Why do you need a .44 magnum?
Client: It is for shooting at cans.
Owner: (pointing at a small handgun) Well, this is the perfect size for shooting at cans.
Client: (pointing again at the .44) Nah, I need this one.
Owner: OK, what kind of cans are you shooting at?
Client: Mexi-cans... Puerto Ri-cans... Afri-cans...
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A little boy at a wedding looks at his mother and says, "Mommy, why is the girl wearing white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boy thinks about this and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"
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Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper.
The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.
He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, "I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!"
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Time exists so everything doesn't happen at once. Space exists so everything doesn't happen to you
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5 fuckin stars!
