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Having a poo at work
This made me laugh....
HOW TO POO AT WORK...
We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something
brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise,
the WORK POO is inevitable.
For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for
taking a dump at work...
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not
in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it
came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell
has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing.
Walk in and check for other pooers.
If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be
careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious
if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen.
If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did
not hear it.
No one likes an escapee.
It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water.
This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the
COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it.
You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with
a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the
office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing
goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the
bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realise that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poo at work.
If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd Burglars.
Very effective when used inconjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that
you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall
is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so
the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This
is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELETTE
A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee.
Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting
on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the
crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
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