> 'If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with,' Crosby,
> Stills, Nash and Young proclaimed proudly once upon a time. Well I can't
> be with my girlfriend at the moment, because I'm in Risley Remand Centre
> awaiting trial for driving offences. And worse, the man in the cell with
> me is six foot four, called Skull, has Satan tattooed on his forehead and
> is serving a 7 year stretch for attempted murder.
> S Hymen, Risley Remand Centre
>
> The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have
> good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a
> penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the anus. That's not
> good luck in my book.
> Milos el Standish, Barcelona
>
> I HAVE recently started to m£sturbate whilst fantasising about Jeanette
> Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am gay, straight
> or a paedophile. What do your readers think?
> D Barclay
>
> COULD the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris
> patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu
> Hamsa.
> Les Barnsley, Barnsley
>
> 'ONE pound a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania',
> says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty pounds a month
> for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing bastards.
> Tracey Cusick, Cumbria
>
> HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
> selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
> football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for
> the rich and another for the poor.
> Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
>
> So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening" do
> they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years.
> Tim
>
> I couldn't sleep the other night so my wife suggested that I try counting
> sheep jumping over a 5-bar gate. I drove around all night looking for a
> flock able to perform this feat, but I hadn't found one by the time the
> sun came up. Needless to say I got even less sleep that night than usual.
> What a farce.
> A. Morris, Frampton
>
> According to Nietzsche, 'That which does not kill me makes me stronger',
> I'm sure my granddad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive
> strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable for
> the past 12 years.
> A Thorne, Sandbach
>
> IT'S uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. 'Absence makes the
> heart grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to
> spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my
> next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room carpet
> this morning.
> Christopher Hampshire, Bristol
>
> I AM becoming sick and tired with the media's politically correct
> obsession with gay s*x. It's getting so that I can't turn on the Fantasy
> Channel without seeing two naked homosexual women indulging in these
> sordid practices. I'm thinking of cancelling my subscription.
> T Cutt, Surrey
>
> I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly
> took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't
> this taking gloating just a little too far?
> Dave Owen, Edinburgh
>
> This Value Added Tax is a rip-off. I was expecting a great deal on a car
> the other day, and I ended up having to pay an extra 17.5% for it. There
> is no way that's added value. If anything, I'm about three grand out of
> pocket.
> Jon Cooke, Leicester
>
> The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting
> questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official
> tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final
> score place our national champ in the world league table?
> Magnus, Sheffield
>
> After suffering a head-on car crash in Northumbria recently, who should I
> see rubber-necking slowly past the wreckage but haughty TV chef Clarissa
> Dickson-Wright in her Volvo. Did she stop to offer assistance?
> Did she bollocks. When she inevitably croaks from heart disease, I fully
> intend to dance on her grave.
> G Bryant, Sheffield
>
> I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's
> prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has
> the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given
> 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only
> dream of.
> Mrs Close, Headingley
>
> The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in
> Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just
> me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the
> poor sods?
> John Campbell, e-mail
>
> I drank three litres of white cider, a bottle of red wine and then a
> couple of cans on Friday night. Despite this, I had the shittest Saturday
> of my life. Can any of your readers explain why, because I am at a loss.
> Patrick Bateman, e-mail
>
> Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
> about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
> galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
> Mike Woods, e-mail
>
> Every time I use my local Nat West cashpoint, the screen says 'You have
> not been charged for this transaction'. Yet when I check my statement, I
> find without fail that I have had ten pounds debited for every tenner I
> withdraw. No wonder the banks are raking it in.
> Gary Beergut, e-mail
>
> With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers
> try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of
> Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the twat quickly enough the last
> time he played hide and seek with them.
> Shuggie, Email
>
> It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but why
> wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan?
> Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast
>
> I have just spent three hours making custard using Delia's recipe and it's
> a triumph, in that it tastes just like Bird's Instant.
> A.W. Thompson, Email
>
> I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia with
> Jenny. She is a great shag.
> Thanks again.
> Baz, Bondi
>
> Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the
> exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope
> that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of
> humour.
> Chris Scaife, Jesmond
>
> Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
> Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing
> into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some
> faster cars.
> T Barnham, London
>
> How come my gran survived the horrors of the Blitz, but has been so badly
> traumatised by the clocks going back that she can't stop banging on about
> it? The stupid whispy-chinned bitch.

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