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Listening as I type.
I dont know the original tune. This one sounds not bad though.
First of all, this is way too silent. The kick heavily stands out. This needs more fullness. More layers should help.
1:00 - Hehe, this sounds a bit like the beverly hills cop theme from the note progression and the synth sound used.  No offense, I like the melody and how you introduce it!
I think you can greatly improve it by adding another layer. And this needs bass! A punchy, warm bass will help...
Ok, I think overall, I'd give this a 5/10. You got some good elements in terms of composing and melody but you definately need more bass and more layers. And turn up the volume. With fixing these things you can easily improve the tune greatly. This one definately has potential, try to make use of it 
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Cybernetika albums (free DL): Atropos (2009) | Nanospheric (2008) | Neural Network Expansion (2007) | Promo #1 (2006) | Paralysis (2005)
homepage: http://www.cybernetika.de
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