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REAL 40 YEAR OLD VIRGINS SAY ‘40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN’ MOVIE MAKES THEM UNCOMFORTABLE

Sexually-frustrated Star Trek and Star Wars fans sue Universal, ask for restraining order

Hollywood - The new movie “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” will hit theaters next week, but across America, real 40-year-old virgins say promotions for the upcoming movie make them very uncomfortable as friends and family members make comparisons to the film and remind them of the fact they’ve never gotten laid. The virgins have filed a class action lawsuit against Universal Pictures seeking unspecified damages for emotional distress.

Stuart Brownfield (chat screen name: farscaperules23) is a 40-year-old virgin in Nashua, New Hampshire who filed the original lawsuit. He is hoping that the movie will bomb at the box office. “I work in an office (Office Depot) and someone saw the ad for the movie in the paper,” said Brownfield. “Then, this one guy I can’t stand in shipping turns to me and says, ‘Hey Stuart, this movie sounds like it’s right up your alley.’ Everyone started laughing. I was so devastated I couldn’t even watch the new episode of ‘Battlestar Galactica’ that night.”

Actor Steve Carell plays 40-year-old virgin Andy Stitzer in the movie. Andy’s never had sex. His friends consider it their duty to help, but nothing proves effective enough until he meets Trish (Catherine Keener), a 40-year-old mother of three.

“People who have seen the trailer for the movie are now calling me ‘Andy,’” said an emotional Brownfield. “People at the office know that I’ve never gotten laid, but no one really said anything until these movie trailers and posters started appearing. My life has been a nightmare. I haven’t felt this bad since ‘Episode I.’”

“It’s not easy being a virgin, and I really feel for these guys,” said 42-year-old Stan Jennings of Cranston, Rhode Island. Jennings, who works at Industrial Soap Inc., finally lost his virginity last year while having sex with a prostitute who ended up giving him gonorrhea. “I am not a virgin anymore, and it feels great, although I do have some burning. However, being a former virgin, I empathize with those losers, and I think the movie should be stopped.”

Star Trek and Star Wars fans who have been feuding for decades have finally found a common cause in the lawsuit.

“We don’t think it’s funny to make fun of virgins, and we will use all of our powers to stop this film,” said 40year old Larry Nohan, the president of the Star Trek Milwaukee Federation. “This movie is a blatant attempt to humiliate us. Why can’t people just leave us alone with our Uhura porn and stop judging us?”

Lou Peters, a 39-year-old virgin and Star Wars fan from San Diego who lives with his parents, considers himself lucky.

“I’m so glad I’m still 39,” said Peters who wears a Stormtrooper costume on weekends while playing the “Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith” videogame online. “One year old older and I would be the laughing stock of my neighborhood.”

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Last edited by DjWoody on Sep-01-2005 at 20:39