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Theresa, please do not purchase a bike without the advice of Xeno and I. First step is to establish a frame to rubber ratio appropriate for a person of your hair color. Xeno and I are flying in rich venture capitalist Jewish folk from New York to assist us with our endeavor. I suppose the first question is if you had to make a ring, would it be circular or ovular? Being a woman Xeno and I have presupposed you’d decide upon a completely irrelevant choice that infuriates men and makes their lives worse: ovulatulor. I do not want to reveal too much, but before you make a choice please wait until Xeno and I deliver unto you the appropriate synergy focuses. As a “Preferred Client” you get 43 Xtrem points redeemable at any Xenosam outfitter, make sure you bring a pair of scissors and the foreskin you *last* cut with them. Again, as our client we want to reiterate that we have YOUR best interests in mind.
We all recall the “Theresa’s New Sig” fiasco. I do not want to point fingers at Xenocreator for his absolute failure to create a sig for you, so I’ll have to be a bit cryptic and sidestep the reason we decided not to present you with your new sig. Also, we did receive your inquiries as to why your checks were being cashed even though we didn’t deliver the promised product. We have since then incorporated the Sarbanes-Oxley act so future issues like that will not occur. We fired our CFO to prove to you that we’re moral and have YOUR best interests in mind. You can rest easy, however, with the knowledge that your checks allowed Xenosam productions to strategically acquire a 1953 Foosball table for our cafeteria made from a rare tree that a noble South American tribe fought to the death to protect all the while screaming, “our children are in there!”
We will have a response to you shortly, please hold off on this momentous decision until we’ve contacted you.
-The Xenosam Team
P.S. I’ve billed 4.2 hours to your account for this message.
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