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Stand up comedy.. just an attempt
I went to see some stand up small comedy/open mic tonight. Just because I come from Montreal, apparently the comics and I exchanged jokes. From joke to joke... I ended up on stage at the end for 3-4 minutes.
Surprizingly... I wan't bad. Not good either, but somehow better than most first timers.
So, the host suggested I write up some material and maybe try again.
This is my poor attempt at it, could I have your feedback please?
Thanks!!!
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So this is my second time on stage. And to be honest I’m a little nervous. You know in The Departed, when DiCaprio is giving his little speech on how his hand doesn’t shake even if inside he’s all turmoil. With the serious face and everything.
And you just stay there and watch the murders, one after the other, but the hand doesn’t shake. THE HAND DOESN’T SHAKE YOU HEAR!
Yea, that’s me right now. The hand is holding straight, but only because the only thing that’s going to be killed, is time. And you would do that anyways, weather I’m funny or not. So… I don’t know, is there something to be scared about? Look at you… you don’t even have tomatoes nor any other rotten vegetable that you can throw.
(PAUSE)
Let’s stop for a second…. Nobody interrupted me? A tomato is not a vegetable people, it’s a fruit. In other words, you have nothing to throw at me and you may be a little ignorant, you think I have any motive to be scared of you? That’s just like saying :
“Shhhhhhhh, be vewy vewy quiet; I'm hunting wabbits, ehehehehehehe.” (while walking on the tip of my toes like Elmer Fudd)
Some of you don’t get this, so let me go slow. You’re as intimidating to me as, picture this: Elmer Fudd is to Bugs Bunny. And now picture how intimidating Elmer would be without his gun. That’s how very intimidating you are… please should I just put my hands in the air and call it a night now? OUUUU watch out… their going to breathe and I’m going to inhale your dirty air. I’m scared shitless.
Anyways, you know every stand up comic has a trademark. Carlos Mencia, if you ever heard about him, is all about racist jokes. Any black comic is about how the mean white people whipped the good black people back in the day. Which is weird because either white ppl aren’t very stylish or they just couldn’t paint the bloody whip white so it matches the color of their skin. So if I where gay, and thereof assume that the world revolves around fashion, I’d assume it was the other way around and the brothers whipped the whities.
And suddenly, Colonel Sanders going “Faster you ******, hurry up and pick up that cotton” sounds more like some black celebrity on MTV cribs going “Yo yo yo you pale glass of milk, hurry up and ” oh I don’t know what they say… I never watched the show.
Of course all women comics are all about vigina jokes and older comics, those perverts are all about sex jokes. That’s cool, but with racism, black rants, viginas and sex out of the picture, it doesn’t give me much room for originality does it?
So I thought about these facts and realize that there are only two things that nobody else on earth can talk about but me. My memories and my take on life, because everyone is entitled to MY opinion.
Now that I found my trademark, I asked myself. “Why do I want to get up a stage, being surrounded by wabbit wunters and tell wem about my wife….” (shake head) this Elmer guy is pretty possessive… Life, not wife.
The short answer is: Because I sucked the first time on stage.
The medium answer is: Because I sucked the first time on stage and because my girlfriend thinks I’m funny. I want to prove her wrong. Tell her that nobody laughed at my jokes and that she’s one crazy frenchie... which in fact is quite normal considering, their ‘distinct’ society”
The long answer is: Because I sucked the first time on stage and because my girlfriend thinks I’m funny. I want to prove her wrong. Tell her that nobody laughed at my jokes and that she’s one crazy frenchie. And if you did laugh at my jokes, I want her to, boy this is a long answer I need to breathe, to tell me that she was right all along hence proving that life is the way it should be, making her even more in control of our relationship and contributing to her overall status of “better half”.
The things I do for women.
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Life is meant to be seen in pink.
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