This is probably going to be the most ridiculous story I have ever posted. I put it up on myspace, might as well post it here.

Okay, for a bit of a backstory to this madness, I had to make my adorable little black n white cat a permanent outside cat. In doing so, I have realize that having bowls of dry cat food in the garage attracts other wild animals (possums, etc). Unlike its proud predecessor 'Majik', Zoe is not quite the built and powerful prizefighter cat. She was meant to be an indoor cat but well....she kinda fucked that up for herself. Anyway....

So I come home from visiting my best friend Shannon, and its just barely gotten dark. Usually, before it gets dark I take in the leftover cat food. I figure Zoe isn't going to starve to death by the time dawn comes around. Anyway I pull up and there my cat is in the middle of the drive way. I get out the car, and Zoe's doing this very timid meow, and I had a feeling something was going wrong as she would NOT approach the garage. "Alright let's see what it is.." I cracked open the door and flipped on the light. "Oh.....shit.."

Sitting on the desk with the catfood bowl was the BIGGEST MOTHERFUCKING RACCOON I had ever seen. No it wasn't a black man either. :P This goddamn thing took up half the fucking desk and could easily have weight 20-25lbs. Normally rodents and small animals get scared and run out...not this one. It just keeps on chompin Zoe's dinner like he owned shit. My weapons were upstairs, so I slowly backed out and closed the door. Made my way quickly to my room, grabbed my knife....and on second thought, due to the size of this thing, grabbed my side-arm as well. I don't talk about my gun very often...but yes I do have one. M1911 .45 ACP, solid black, w/ laser designator. This thing will stop a 300 pound man running at you.

So as I'm making my way down the stairs, past my dad's office, I inserted the clip and chambered a round as I walked past. Due to the sudden show of dramatics, my dad stops me like "What in the fuck son??" I'm like "Look... there's this big fucking raccoon that's as big as a small dog in the garage. Anything smaller than this probably wouldn't hurt it."

Dad goes: "I don't really give a shit!! That's why I told you to get rid of that damn cat. Every animal in the neighborhood will be....blah blah blah blah...." So I left the gun next to where I leave my keys and went outside without it. I walked slowly toward the garage door. I've never dealt with a raccoon, so I knew nothing about how viscous or agile they are. I figure they probably have diseases like rabies at the very least. I entered the garage without a sound and closed the door behind me. I cut the light on, and there he was...still chomp-chompin away like nobody's business. Damn this ****** was big, probably hit up every trash can in the fucking block. I was thinking how easily I could have gotten a sight-picture alignment from across the room and put a .45 round right through his skull. Oh well, fuck it...

Like I said..most animals usually run off when I enter the garage or when approaching them. I opened my knife and *snapped* it into place with my wrist. This sumbitch just looked at me, went back to eating. I advanced toward it slowly, hoping to intimidate it into leaving, even acted as threatening as I could...not a chance. I came within striking distance of the thing. No movement, no fear, nothing....goddamn thing kept eating. I shoulda just did him in right there. I'll be honest... I've never *stabbed* or otherwise attacked any animal with a knife. In the military it was all guns, shootin shit doesn't bother me. Knives make it that much more personal. So I hesitated, saw the food bowl was nearly empty, and with my free hand slapped the fucking bowl across the room. That pissed it off. It was on. This mother****er raised up hissing and ?growling? on it hind legs ready to start a war. Without thinking I hit him with the knife somewhere around his leg. Didn't see any blood so I didn't get him bad. It ran toward the garage door I thought to close behind me..seeing it was closed it defiantly roared and hissed again at me. And whet do I do? I roar and hiss right back at the mother****er. It *JUMPED* at me, I caught it and hurled it against the garage door *BANG*, it falls, and scrambles to the safety of all the crap we got piled in there. Goddamnit.. I was full of adrenaline at that point and was think "No fucking way am I letting this piece of shit get away." I started shaking different shit, trying to find out where the hell he was hiding under. Then I started through shit around, and saw it dart out and make for the opposite wall. There were some headboards lying next to the wall like a ladder up to the ceiling. He started climbing them like a monkey, and a lunged for another attack. BAM... ooh shit I felt that... I cut him again but again dunno where, didn't even slow him down. He got up in the ceiling and that's where it pretty much ended. Everytime I turned my back he would growl and spit, only to duck back down when I turned back around. I looked around the room. "Damn I wish I had that gun..." Saw some carburetor cleaner and figured he wouldn't like that. I walked up the the wall, turned my back, and sprayed him in his eyes when he tried to punk me. I ran out the garage and back in the house to grabbed my .45 (when my dad was conveniently in the bathroom). By the time I did that and ran back in the garage the son of a bitch had made his escape.

Well...he has two stab wounds and hopefully got blinded back the cleaner. Any fucking animal lovers reading this shit thinking any of the above was cruelty to animals, you need to get a fucking grip. You should've seen this thing! It was a raccoon straight out of Hell. Anyways...that's the story. No wonder my cat wouldn't go near the garage.

Matthias - 0
Monster Raccoon - 1

But God help that piece of shit if I catch him in there again!!!



*cliff notes* Matthias discovers a raccoon twice the size of his cat. Forced to leave his .45 in the house, Matthias attempts to scare it with his knife. Didn't work out that way, and turned into a war that fucked up half the garage. Raccoon escapes with possible injuries. Matthias goes back in the house. The end.

-editted for spelling as the original post was a drunken one

Last edited by Matthias on Nov-30-2008 at 06:17

quote:

Originally posted by Matthias This is probably going to be the most ridiculous story I have ever posted. I put it up on myspace, might as well post it here. Okay, for a bit of a backstory this this madness, I had to make my adorable little black n white cat a permanent outside cat. In doing so, I have realize that having bowls of dry catfood in the garage atracts other wild animals (possums, etc). Unlike its porud predecessor 'Majik', Zoe is not quite the built and powerful prizefighter cat. She was meant to be an indoor cat but well....she kinda fucked that up for herself. Anyway.... So I come home from visiting my best friend Shannon, and its just barely gotten dark. Usually, before it gets dark I take in the leftover catfood. I figure Zoe isn't going to starve to death by the time dawn comes around. Anyway I pull up and there my cat is in the middle of the drive way. I get out the car, and Zoe's doing this very timid meow, and I had a feeling something was going wrong as she would NOT approach the garage. "Alright left see what it is.." I cracked open the door and flipped on the light. "Oh.....shit.." Sitting on the desk with the catfool bowl was the BIGGEST MOTHERFUCKING RACCOON I ever ever seen. No it wasn't a black guy either. This goddamn thing took up half the fucking desk! Normally roadents and small animals get scraed and run out...not this one. It just keeps on choppin like this was his place. My knife was upstairs, so I slowly backed out, closed the door. Make my way quaickly to my room. I grabbed my knife..nothing spectacular, its a Stanley 3.5" folding knife I had sharpened like a straight razor, the other side is a boxcutter/exacto knife and in the holder is 10 replaceable blades...okay so its somewhat impressive. And on second thought, due to the size of this thing, grabbed my side-arm as well. I don't talk about my gun...but yes I do have one. M1911, solid black, w/ laser designator. So I'm making my way down the stairs, past my dad's office. I inserted the clip and chambered a round as I walked past. Due the the sudden show of dramatics, my dad stops me like "What in the fuck??" I'm like "Look... there's this big fucking raccoon that's as big as a small dog in the garage. Anything smaller than this probably wouldnt hurt it." Dad goes: "That;s why I told you to get rid of that cat. Every animal....blah blah blah blah...." So I left the gun next to where I leave my keys and went outside without it. I walked slowly toward the door. I've never dealth with a raccoon so I knew nothing about how viscous they are, but figure they probably had rabies. I entered the garage without a sound a closed the door behind me. Yeah that's right..I had to pay for this fucking food. I cut the light on, and there he was...chomp-chopin away like nobody's business. I was thinking how I could have easily gotten a sight-picture alignment and put a shot right through his big ass head. Fuck it... Like I said most animals usually run off, this one looked at me, went back to eating. I folded out my knife and *snapped* it into place. I advanced toward it slowly, hoping to intimidate it into leaving...not a chance. I came within striking distance of the thing. No movement, no fear, nothing....goddamn thing kepy chompin away. I'll be honestly... I've never *stabbed* or otherwise attacked anything with a knife. Military it was all guns, knives make it that much more personal. So I hesitated, saw the food bowl was nearly empty, and with my free hand slapped the fucking bowl across the room. It was on. This mother****** got up hissing and ?growling? on it hindlegs ready to start a war. *REACT* I hit him with the knife, just dunno where. Didn't see any blood so didnt get him bad. It ran toward the garage door I thought to close behind me..seeing it was closed it defiantly roared and hissed again at me. And whet do I do? I roar and hiss right back at the mother******. It *JUMPED* at me, I caught it and hurled it against the garage door *BANG*, it falls, and scrambles to the safety of all the crap we got piled in there. Goddamnit.. I was full of adrenaline at that point and was think "No fucking way am I letting this piece of shit get away." I started shaking different shit, trying to find out where the hell he was hiding under. Then I started through shit around, and saw it dart out and make for the opposite wall. There were some headboards lying next to the wall like a ladder up to the ceiling. He started climbing them like a monkey, and a lunged for another attack. BAM... ooh shit I felt that... I cut him again but again dunno where, didn't even slow him down. He got up in the ceiling and that's where it pretty much ended. Everytime I turned my back he would growl and spit, only to duck back down when I turned back around. I looked around the room. "Damn I wish I had that gun..." Saw some carbuerator(sp) cleaner and figured he wouldnt like that. I walked up the the wall, turned my back, and sprayed him in his eyes when he tried to punk me. I back in and grabbed my .45 when my dad was conveniently in the bathroom. By the time I got back in the garage the son of a bitch had made his escape. Well...he has two stab wounds and hopefully got blinded back the cleaner. ANy fucking animal lovers reading this shit thinking any of the above was cruelty to animals, you need to get a fucking grip. You shoulda seen this thing! It was a raccoon straight out of Hell. Anyways...thats the stroy. No wonder my cat wouldn't go near the garage. Matthias - 0 Monster Raccoon - 1 *cliff notes* Matthias discovers a raccoon twice the size of his cat. Forced to leave his .45 in the house, Matthias attampts to scare it with his knife. Didn't work out that way, and turned into a war that fucked up half the garage. Raccoon escapes with possible injuries. Matthias goes back in the house. The end.

That's awesome as heck! Thanks for posting. I laughed pretty hard while reading this.

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Great story bro kind of reminds me of the other day. I was blazing a jay out in my backyard in the dark. Than I hear some loud foot steps coming from over the hill and it's advancing towards me. I hold out my cell phone to use it as light and it keeps getting closer. I get up slowly and go back inside to turn on the light and it's a fox lol.

that... was... awesome!!!

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Helping girls make bad decisions since 1979

I don't mind racoons being killed. Some of them are mean as shit. My Lab got into a tussle with one a long time ago and the little bastard bit Shadow on the nose and wouldn't let go. After he finally let go, I was waiting with an AR15 police issue. Poor little bugger never knew what hit him.

Elimination Round:
Racoon - 1
Shadow - 0

Championship Game:
Deputy Jonas - 1
Racoon - 0

quote:

Originally posted by Matthias T Sitting on the desk with the catfood bowl was the BIGGEST MOTHERFUCKING RACCOON I ever ever seen. No it wasn't a black man either. :P

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Yeah I said it

quote:

Originally posted by Matthias Yeah I said it

hah id say it too but since ive been on this boat ive grown cautious . must def be a texas thing.

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quote:

Originally posted by jonas Bring lots of friends, a preist and a sack lunch. You'll need all three.

quote:

Originally posted by Zild I can understand people wanting to tech up their house since Techno is the shit, but please don't house up my Techno.

quote:

Originally posted by Lizandrooo hah id say it too but since ive been on this boat ive grown cautious . must def be a texas thing.

*shrug*
I live off Antoine and W Little York. Anything/anyone could've been in that garage.

if its off little york & antoine then the likelihood of it being a male of african american descent is pretty high.

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quote:

Originally posted by jonas Bring lots of friends, a preist and a sack lunch. You'll need all three.

quote:

Originally posted by Zild I can understand people wanting to tech up their house since Techno is the shit, but please don't house up my Techno.

quote:

Originally posted by Lizandrooo if its off little york & antoine then the likelihood of it being a male of african american descent is pretty high.

ding ding ding

I'm late to this but. . .

. . .great fuckin' story!

I just hit them with my truck. A big-ass rodent's not worth me sullying any steel on.

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