Reporter Tim Brown recently sat down with amateur screenwriter Jerry Smith. He then shared with us his plan for a Rated R Turtles film...

Tim: How are you this evening?

Jerry: I'm excellent, and yourself?

Tim: Couldn't be better; tell us about your proposed rated R TMNT film.

Jerry: Well, this would be the Ninja Turtles like no one has ever seen them before. They wouldn't be complete *beep* idiots like in previous installments. There would be no craving pizza, popping off with lame jokes or shouting out "Cowabunga dude!" every 5 minutes. My story is a very dark and serious representation of the Turtles... much like how there were in the 1980's comic book version.

Tim: So this wouldn't be for children?

Jerry: Nope, not for the kids. It would be very adult oriented. It’s just like what Christopher Nolan did with Batman Begins back in 2005. It would be really dark and gritty. The turtles would all have much more depth.

Tim: So why the R rating? Couldn't you maybe bring it down to a PG:13?

Jerry: Oh hell no. This would be a pretty strong R rating. I don't want to go back on it one bit. I'm telling the true story of the Turtles, the way it was meant to be done. I'm doing it right.

Tim: Why would something as silly as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles be taken so seriously? How could it have such a strong R rating?

Jerry: Well, the thing is... they're called TEENAGE Mutant Ninja Turtles. Teenagers are *beep* Trust me, I have two of my own and I've been around plenty more. They all smoke pot and have tons of pre-marital sex. I want these characters to act less like pre pubescent boys and more like actual kick ass rebellious teens.

Tim: Is it true that this film will contain strong nudity?

Jerry: Well, I don't know about strong nudity, but yes there will definitely be some. I want to have a love making scene between April O’Neil and one of the Turtles that will more then likely contain some nudity. I want this April O’Neal to be drop dead gorgeous... nice smooth legs, full lips, great round little booty, and some big ole' breasts. I want each of the Turtles to be very well hung. It’s more realistic that way. Turtles really do have great bit tally whackers. Next time you see a turtle, go take a peak. I'm not *beep* you.

Tim: Whoa! Don't you think a love scene for a Ninja Turtles movie is taking it a little too far?

Jerry: Not at all. It’s more realistic, it’s what teenagers do. I would like there to be maybe a love triangle between April, Raphael and Leonardo. There has always been a bit of a rivalry between those two characters that I'm really going to bring out in this movie. Don't be surprised if one of the Turtles gets killed off in this movie.

Tim: Oh my God! You're going to kill off one of the Ninja Turtles?!

Jerry: Its like I keep telling ya Tim, people die. This *beep* is real. I'm not going for goofy and cheesy here. More then likely one of the characters... I'm not going to say who... will die in a car crash. More then likely because they were driving while intoxicated. Don't be surprised if you maybe see the Turtles smoke pot or snort cocaine... One of them will have a pretty bad drug addiction. They will all cuss excessively. These kinds of things happen to every 8 out of 10 teenagers... its no secret that teens are complete *beep* dumb *beep*

Tim: You are probably right there. Enough about the Turtles. What about Master Splinter? Has his character changed much?

Jerry: He’s more of a hard ass. Kind of a neglectful father that never really spends time or knows there kids. I had a dad, and believe me... that’s pretty much how almost every dad is. Splinter would be the father figure to the Turtles. He would constantly be running them down and bitching at them. He actually causes Michelangelo to develop an eating disorder. He’s a little bit chubbier then his brothers. As a result Splinter will constantly give him a hard time and call him a fat ass.

Tim: Okay then... how about the villain? Will Shredder appear in it?

Jerry: Yes, he will be the main villain. In my version Shredder will be a homosexual. Don't be surprised if he actually molests one of the Turtles... and yes, I know it’s shocking... but hey, these kinds of things happen every day. I think making Shredder a fag is a bold new step that will make the movie all the more cerebral.

Tim: So when should we expect to see this new movie?

Jerry: It’s hard to say. It’s a long complicated process. If all goes well we should see it hit the big screen in about 2010 or 2011.

Tim: Okay then, I'm afraid that’s all the time we have. Thank you very much for your time Mr. Smith.

Jerry: No problem, it was my pleasure.

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