|
??????
(Ahem)
So, how does one pursue truth when the world we dwell in has their beliefs set in stone? How does one dare ask a question that questions these beliefs without the fear of being reprimanded? I asked myself these questions every day when I was younger. I was never quite content with the explanation of christmas and such. I, to this day see no reason nor logic behind anything christianity related. Before you start thinking this is one of those books disproving religion and the existence of Jesus Christ...it's not. It's simply a book about the conclusions and beliefs that I came to. Ideas and logic that came solely from me and weren't forced-upon or taken from any other belief system. I also want to assure you that I'm not here to impose my beliefs on anybody and my purpose is only to inform and perhaps enlighten or help some of you.
Since I was a boy I remember being dragged along to Sunday mass against my own will. The idea of sitting still for an hour listening to a man scorn me was not very attractive. Catholicism, which falls under Christianity, is by far the hardest religion to truly obey. Again, I reiterate that I found no reason behind doing anything required by the church. I was especially against the deprivation of truth and the belief in the "seven deadly sins." However, my parents tell me that I would love to go and went without a problem when I was even younger because I liked to sing the songs. I don't recall this really but it might be true since I do enjoy singing.
In middle school I began doubting the existence of "God" and even more the existence of the man named "Jesus Christ." Hardships because of my weight made my middle school years uncomfortable for some time. This brought on a deep depression...it was so bad that at the age of thirteen I unsuccessfully attempted to hang myself. It seemed as if the world was against me and nobody was by my side. My parents are not too blame, I have always been talented at hiding my true emotions. I tried to find the source of my qualms with fruitless results. Naturally, being taught that "God" would take care of everything and make me happy if I looked toward him I tried. I spent countless nights awake hating myself and wanting to die. I asked myself and "God" why I felt the way I felt...I never got an answer and the pain continued.
I kept going through a phase where I had to lie to myself so that I could continue getting up everyday for school. I didn't have many friends but I didn't really need them because I usuallt kept to myself and my morbid writings. Towards eighth grade, more mid seventh, I developed an attitude of I don't give a fuck basically. It seemd to work for a bit. I started being social but I was still dying in the inside, my world was blue. It was that infinite feeling of solace which pushed me to negate the existence of "God."
So I went on like this for years and over time I became even more angry at the world. I hated everyone and everything and I wanted to die more than ever. I dabbled in the occult, i sought out "Satan" and his comfort in truth. I, for a while accepted "Satan" as truth ad light but being catholic I was scared shitless back into atheism. I delved into the scientific world and pretty soon the scientific explanations behind miracles. I was convinced by science that this god was not real and was merely a fabrication composed of pagan holidays and the sort that the Romans took to gain social control.
My goal in life once was to destroy the church. I wanted everyone to know the lies and deception they had been spewing for thousands of years. In a sense I wanted to liberate people from their restraints. When it came to religious arguments I would rip religion to shreds and shock people with my statements. I shook my family up for a while since they are extremely religious. I didn't care...I was angry at the world and this was my revenge.
It went on like this until I got to high school. I learned to keep my opinions to myself because I knew I would be shunned. I was social in high school which was a drastic change since middle school. I would still argue with anybody who even touched the topic of religion but not as heatedly.
Then a surreal set of events transcurred which changed me completely. I say surreal because I met a girl under some weird circumstances. An acquaintance of mine at the time had added a cute girl to his ,quite infamous site, MySpace. They went to dinner and one of my best friends who was his close friend showed up at the restaurant. My best friend "Jack" liked her and got her number just casually. At this point in time my friend was always at my house on his messenger program and he would talk to her and sometimes use the webcam for fun. I knew this girl wold be special so I started talking to her. Amazingly, we were each others duality's...I was her "dark" side. We hit it off quite well chatting online often but not personally yet. Well, one night "Jack" called me that his car had dies at "Lexi's" house and was wondering if I could help him out.
So I gladly accepted and left my house without any idea that this particular night would change my life forever. I arrived at her house and I finally saw her in person. In my eyes she was the most beautiful thing in the world and my world spun and flipped upside down...I had to have her, she had to be mine. This point in my life I was a drinker. I partied hard and drank every single weekend and weekdays even, so my attitude was "I don't give a fuck confident." I talked to her as if I had known her forever that night, and her alcohol buzz had her acting extremely sexy. Now, if you're expecting a sex story you'll have to wait until a lot later in the book.
Having hit it off quite well I decided to pursue a relationship. Then, I found out she was a virgin and my eyes sparkled with lascivious intentions. I set on to "break her" because according to my friend she wasn't ready for that. I assured him I would get her and then he said, "she doesn't like fatties, she likes muscle men like me." Then I proceeded to laugh at the fact that he didn't have a brain. The game was on and I was set to win.
So, I started talking with Lexi more and more and soon found out she was extremely open minded and genuinely smart. Her way of thinking was the other half to my mind. I tried not to get emotionally attached but I fell hard for her. I was tired of just talking to her all day and night so I had to find a way to see her without being too forward. An idea developed in my head and I was decided. Little did I know that this night would be the start of an incredible spiritual journey.
It was the night of my birthday and I pulled up to her house to pick her up to take her to my party. She came out to announce that I had to meet her mom in order to go. So I reluctantly stepped inside. The house held a weird vibe...and so did her mom. Her mom approved of me right away so we were on our way. By this time we were open enough with each other that I told her of my wild sexual escapades and she was about to meet another person who I told her about extensively. She refused to let me drink because she wanted to be sure I was fine to be with her so I complied. Then a past fling turned relationship girl arrives and I dropped everything for her. I introduced her as my girlfriend in front of Lexi and my friends. I was blinded by this other girl, but it was only lust. We went to my truck to have birthday sex and an hour later Lexi shyly shows up and says she has to go home and Jack offered to take her so I said, "sure, thanks for coming, later." I then realized I fucked up at that moment, although now I realize it was for a reason.
Lexi and I continued as friends but we had feelings for each other and my goal was still in mind. Lex was a good girl, she had never been to wild parties nor had sexual contact with a guy and then I came along. I got her to throw a New Year's party while her mom was gone. She got a little drunk and really turned on, but I decided not to take advantage eventhough we were so close at the moment. That night I stayed with her holding her until four in the morning. She was enjoying herself more than she had in a long time. I felt more love than I'd felt in years.
You have to understand the profundity of my love for her, the depths in my heart, body, and soul that my love extended to were indescribable. This girl changed me and my love for her will always remain. She's responsible, mostly, for who I am today. I started frequenting her house and learned her mom had special abilities...as in spiritual. She revealed to me that my spirit/soul was the brightest she had ever seen in her life. She described my life and feelings like if she was in my head. I was amazed because ever since I was little I was fascinated with the occult and magic or "witchcraft" to you religious fanatics.
My visits were because of Lexi, but her mom and I always had long conversations every single time. She would tell me my wrongs and she was always right. Then I would spend time with Lexi or her younger brothers, the boys, who I would get along with perfectly. I quickly learned their story and gained their trust. Her mom always treated me like family and would consider me as such.This night her mom told me I was to have a girlfriend soon, but I thought nothing of it. Then, the comfort level between Lexi and I rose and temptation was too much.
While watching a movie I was holding her and started kissing on her neck gently. She responded with a kiss which turned into a hot-n- heavy make out session. The fact that we were feet away from her brothers and mother added a thrill for her like no other. We continued making out outside and I saw that the vibe was strong and I decided to take my chances and asked her out. She said yes, and the entire next week was magical...and a never-ending heated passion make-out without sexual contact still. I didn't care at the time though but it still lingered in the back of my mind. We called it off after a week and I was devastated. I went on a drinking spree for a month after. Getting wasted was my escape, god had deceived me once again and I was even angrier.
Surprisingly that month went by and we started talking again as if nothing had happened. Matter of fact, in a strange, bizarre, and odd way it brought us closer. This is where the sexual stuff you guys have been waiting for begins. A night home alone turned to a semi-naked make out. This first time she didn't let me in the panties just above them and no top. I got a preview and I wanted more. At this point I rejoiced in the fact that I was sinning in a "deadly" manner...lust. I knew she would cave-in some day but not as fast as most girls. See, I was quite talented at bedding women but she presented a strong challenge and I loved her for it.
The sexual shenannigans got more intense but there's no need to delve into those any further 'cept one. I know I've written alot of these "particular nights" but you have to understand every one of these nights are essential to who I am and to this story, I assure you. This particular night was a quinceanera which is a Mexican Sweet Sixteen. Her cousin was celebrating and I was to pick her up. I arrived and some things occurred in the bedroom that amazed her because she's never done it before. Skipping the rest of the party we left because she had a seven 'o clock flight to DC and she had to pack. It was 2:45 exactly when we left and we arrived exactly at 3 at her lone house. I stepped inside to drink a soda to mask the smell of the liquor I had consumed there as to not get caught by the cops or my parents. I strode into her room, sat on the bed, turned the t.v. off, and resumed where I left off. Cunnilingus was taking place and she was in ecstacy and I loved every minute of it. She tugged on my pants and I knew that this was the night she'd lose her virginity to me. We proceeded to have sex and stopped a couple minutes before her mom arrived.
She was thoughtful, but she admitted she loved it. I came back to her house at 6 on the dot that morning. She came outside and I hugged her like she was my universe. It was then that I realized that the feeling I held inside exploded and our love was the shrapnel running through my veins and would leave a mark like no other...no matter what happened with us. I held her in my arms in her room and ran my fingers on her skin. It wasn't sexual it was more spiritual. Touching her skin was like becoming one soul. My entire perspective on life changed at this moment, but I still refused to look up to god. We sat in my truck in the airport parking lot. I laid my head on her lap and she caressed my face and played with my hair. Time flew and I was holding on to her like I would never see her again eventhough it was only a week.
It was after this that I noticed the part of life I never noticed. Not the little things, but parts in my life that were dead. Sadly though, what comes up must come down. My mother hated the relationship because her mom wasn't living a fucking Christian life! My mom forbode me from seeing her but I didn't give a fuck I was stupid and in love. I snuck around to see the love of my life. My mom wisened up one time and caught me. It was an excruciatingly painful night. My anger boiled in my veins and I collapsed from a minor stroke which I recognized because of my medical knowledge. I calmed down but not much. I wanted to kill my mom that night, literally. My father drove endlessly until we ended up at some hotel. I had a mental break down in the room. I was in so much pain that the tears woudn't stop flowing and I couldn't stop writhing on the floor. It was as if I was in need and in heroin withdrawal.
Everything cooled down and we came back home. I kept seeing Lexi but I was more cautious than ever about it. My anger against my mother remained for a long time after and I honestly think I haven't forgiven her for that. Half the time I was with Lexi anyway and it's what mattered. Then everything flipped in one night.
To make it short I was overly jealous over a text she had from a guy. I over-reacted and I scared her. She said she didn't like that side of me and suggested we be friends. I left her and her cousin stranded at a cafe. I returned to her house and apologized profusely and held her and she accepted...it would never be the same again though.
I decided at this point that I was hurting her and myself by remaining together. We went our separate ways and I continued my life of depression. I chose my pain over hurting her and I don't regret it. The conversations with her mom remained a daily thing over the phone and it went on like that for months. I forgot to mention that prior to making love, weeks before, I had gotten in a car crash and my mom tricked me into going to a 3-day church retreat in exchange for a brand new truck. It was in this retreat that I first believed in god because I had never seen so much unity between people.
It brightened my life a little and I continued to go to the weekly reunions and such. I started being miserable all over again and I wanted to die...but I believed. I stopped going eventually and resumed my "sinful" life. This is the peak of my transformation. Prior to being eighteen I had never ever seen, much less smoked, marijuana. I tried it once and liked it but decided not to make it a habit because it was "bad." My current best friend was reminiscing that time we tried it and went and bought some. We started smoking occassionally.
The sense of peace, relaxation, and inspiration the smoke brought mesmerized me. I started smoking daily with my current best friend "Josh." I had qualms with it since I didn't know the truth about it. Once I learned the truth I embraced it even more. Marijuana cured my depression completely and presented a new perspective on life. I loved it more and more each time. The way my mind works under the influence is mind boggling. When thc courses through my veins I become the yin-yang. Even now when I'm not altered I feel it's peaceful influence.
I started seeing life in a new light. Life is beautiful and not to be taken for granted. There is so much unaccomplished in this world...in my world. My social skills high rocketed and the horizons of my mind expanded tremendously. There is a higher being, is his name Jesus? I don't know. Did Jesus exist? Yes. Was he the son of god?? Not too sure, but maybe.
I realized that life has no bounds, that we ourselves limit our minds every single day. Time is non existant except it's measured and kept track of. We are individuals who got trapped in a uniform crowd. Nobody thinks for themselves anymore. I know true love and what it's like to lose it and appreciate it. We only have a physical shell but it's not truly us. We're free souls trapped in bodies. I think when we die we go into the flow of the universe and create our own existence based on our earthly belief system. We are all truly rulers of our own kingdom.
Boundaries, placed by the media and conventional lifestyles. They don't truly exist, the mind knows no limits. Individuality comes from the mind. With every whisp of inspiration my mind kept going non-stop. There was some points in time where my mind was racing indefinitely and I thought I'd never think at a "normal" pace again. I broke free from what binded me to the miserable life I was living. I was able to move on from that stage and come back a new person. In my opinion, the church establishes a guideline on how to live a righteous life and that is all it is. Other than,
"do unto others as you want others to do unto you." everything else is literally impossible to accomplish in this ghast material world. We ourselves are the cause of our own oppression. The greatest oppression in the history of mankind, the oppression of the mind.
We all rush because we might run out of time, right? Not me, time is a terrestral thing. I took a moment to picture time and all I could see was dates and clocks. Then I pictured our world in its pristine form...there is no time, just significant and insignificant events that transcurr in life. Why woud anybody live their life on the clock? Well, because of modern society. Time is not the enemy...there is none. I laugh when I think of the chaos that would ensue if "physical time" existed. I can picture an appointment, "yeah just come when the sun goes down, or if not at sun-rise." I do admit that it has advantages, but one should never life their life on the clock.
I believe I am an old soul trapped in my body in order to relay a message. The age old question has always been about life after death. Do we go to heaven...hell? Do these places exist? This is where my self-formulated theory comes in. Yes, these places do exist...for most people. Once a soul is released from its body it is free to roam the universe and fabricate its own existence. Our own beliefs while we were on earth will develop around us. You are free to "imagine" up your own version of heaven...or hell. All it takes is a free mind to realize it.
I don't belong to anybody...I am my own being. Nobody can judge me...for there is no judge. I'm a sinner? I'm going to hell? Define sin if you will. Some say it is committing evil and selfish acts, yet others boil it down to not living a "normal" christian life. We differ in defining these things because there is no set definition for sin in reality. So what is a "normal" christian life? Well, what IS normal? Our normal life in reality is abnormal...a surreal dream. Be real, be free, be your own individual.
I can not begin to stress the destruction and death the church has caused against men who thought differently. Men who were murdered for having a voice. It saddens me that the same belief system that murdered a vast amount of people is now being used to control the world...and it works. Blinded by the promise of a beautiful existence in heaven many people followed suit. Don't get me wrong, if you choose to belive that is fine by me I can respect it. I don't have anything against god or the devil. So many followers, yet I see no progress to this world. I keep seeing what I consider evils such as the war and anything in relation.
Respect is something that I have always been taught. Respect your elders, right? If they're right then yes, and if they're wrong correct them. Truth prevails over seniority at any given time. I like to still keep courtesy even in these cases. Elders of age can say what they want as everyone else, no matter how much older one must keep courtesy in my eyes.
Kill them with kindness? Sort of. Kill them with kindness... and truth. I oppose any act of violence against anybody in the universe...even against my own enemies.
Violence and inflicting harm are a complete lack of respect for the unique life we possess inside of us. We do so many things daily to satisfy our earthly life, and someone rips it from our body? I don't think so, that is the most bile thing you can do to someone. I promote peace and harmony...and I promote a revolution of the mind.
In case I don't to see this revolution I so long for... I have made my peace with everything. I made peace with god...yes, with god. Eventhough I refuse to follow the crowd I acknowledge that he's revered by millions upon millions as a saviour. All my respects to him. I made peace with the devil. By common definition I oppose his acts, but I acknowledge the fact that also he has a lot of followers and people who fear him. I just basically let them know that I wasn't going to be judged to either side since I had gained mental consciousness.
When I die, whether it's untimely or not, I want to be that neutral area...the gray area. I don't want followers, matter of fact is I don't even want my identity known. All i really want is to create a plane of existence in which there is nothing to fear...and nobody to follow nor worship. I want the allure of heaven with the edge of true enlightenment...and true freedom to be. I want to rise and welcome those who like me are free from the bounds of earth. Somewhere
(I didn't write this.)
___________________
Mixed Genre Mixes [50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, 00s]:
MGM 6 /
MGM 5 / MGM 4 /
MGM 3 / MGM 2 / MGM 1
Electronic Dance Music Mixes:
EDM 7
|
