very very very funny jokes
A newly married couple returned to their house after being on
honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and have a shag?" the husband asked.
"Shhhh!" said the bride, "All the neighbours will know what we're
about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to
ask each other in code. For example, how about asking 'Have you left
the washing machine door open' instead?"
So the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left
the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it", replied the wife who rolled over and fell
asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little amorous herself and
she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing
machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No thanks" said the husband, "It was only a small load and I've done
it by hand."
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A college professor had just finished explaining an important research
project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute
requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two
acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable
illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and
spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As
you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students
had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a
glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn
to write with your other hand."
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This man and woman get married and are riding on a bus to a cabin for
their honeymoon. The only other people on the bus were a bunch of
hunters. Well the bus breaks down in front of a real nice hotel. The
husband goes, come on honey lets go do it now look at that hotel...and
she says, no I want to wait till we get to the cabin. So the bus gets
going again and its not too long before it breaks down again, this
time in front of a not so nice hotel. Once again the husband turns to
his wife and says, come on honey lets do it here, please. To which she
once again replies with no. Well the bus gets going again and breaks
down for the third time, this time in an open field. All of a sudden
the wife grabs her husband, drags him off the bus and proceeds to have
hot wild sex with him in the open field. When they were done he looks
at her and says, when we broke down in front of the nice hotel you
didn't want to do it, when we broke down in front of the not so nice
hotel you didn't want to do it, why here in this field?? And she say,
well I was listening to the hunters talking and they said if the bus
broke down one more time the fucking season would be over!!
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Car Collector Gary, a parts manager for a
small electronics shop, had occasion to order
part No. 669 from the factory.
Later, when he received it he noticed that
someone had sent part No. 699 instead.
Furious at the factory's incompetence,
Morris promptly sent the part back along with
a letter giving them a piece of his mind.
Less than a week later, he received the same
part back with a letter containing just four
words, "Turn the box over."
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There was a man who had just gotten married and was spending his wedding
night with his new wife in a very posh hotel. It was to be the first
time that he had ever had sex with his partner, indeed he had never even
seen her nude. As they were both undressing, he looked up from taking
off his socks to notice that she did in fact have very large breasts. He
said as much to her, but the poor girl, who had always had a bit of a
complex about them, got very distraught. So much so that she sent him,
blanket in hand, to go and sleep in the corridor.
The man was pretty upset at this, but, not wishing to fuel her anger
further, did as he was told. Just as he was getting off to sleep,
another man came into the corridor and joined him. The first man asked
the second why he was out there, to which the second replied that he was
also on his wedding night and had never had the pleasure of seeing his
new wife's body before either. When she was undressing, he had
complemented her on having a rather large ass. She hadn't been impressed
with his comment, and had ordered him to go and sleep in the corridor.
It wasn't long before jilted honeymooner number three sulkily sauntered
along to join the other two.
'What's wrong with you?' asked the first. 'Did you put your foot in it as
well?'
'No,' replied the third, 'but I bloody well could have...
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The businessman came home form work about 6 pm. He'd
barely gotten in the door before his wife greeted him with a
passionate kiss. Then she pulled him into the bedroom,
pushed him down on the bed, unzipped his fly, and began to
give him a fantastic blow job.
Not daring to interrupt her, he waits until he has gotten off in a
mighty explosion, which his wife slurps up eagerly and swallows.
He stares fondly at her, then asks, "All right, dear, what did
you do to the car THIS time?"
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Three sons left home, went out on their own and
prospered. Getting back together, they discussed
the gifts they were able to give their elderly
mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our
mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a
driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both
beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the
Bible? And you know she can't see very well.
So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites
the entire Bible. It took elders in the church
12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind.
Mama just has to name the chapter and verse,
and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of
thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you
built is so huge. I live in only one room, but
I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old
to travel. I stay most of the time at home,
so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver
is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son,
"You have the good sense to know what your
mother likes. The chicken was delicious." 
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