A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly a
little white duck, all covered with shit, crossed her path. "Oh,
dear," the lady said, "come on, I'll clean you!" She took a Kleenex
from her purse and whipped the duck clean. After finishing, she urged
the duck away saying, "Be careful next time!"

She walked on and another duck, with shit all over it, crossed her
way. Again she took out a Kleenex and cleaned the little duck. She
warned this one as well and the duck took off. Soon after, she
encountered a third duck with the same problem. "Now I've had it!"
She whined. "What have you all been doing?" And for the third time
she acted like a Florence Nightingale and tended the duck.

She continued her stroll when suddenly she heard a voice from the
bushes. "Hey, you, lady!" sounded a male voice in distress.

"Yes?" she replied.

"Do you have a Kleenex?"

"No, not anymore," she answered.

"Too bad. I guess I'll just have to use another duck."

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Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big
toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little
penis on the rim. Just then the toilet seat slams down and Little Johnny
lets out a scream.

His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching
his genitals and howling. He looks up at her with his little tear
stained face and sniffles, "K-k-k-k-kiss it better."

Little Johnny's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's shit with me!"

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The Cowboy and the Indian were riding on the range one day. The two
came to a stop, where the Indian jumped off his horse and put his head
on the ground to listen to see if anyone was coming. After a few
seconds he rose and said "Buffalo come." The Cowboy was amazed and
proclaimed "Damn you Indians are smart, how the hell did you know
there were buffaloes coming?" The Indian replied, "Face sticky."

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There was a hound dog laying in the yard. An old man in overalls was
sitting on the porch. "Excuse me, Sir, but does your dog bite?", the
yankee tourist asked. The old man replied, "Nope." So the tourist
stepped out of his car. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit
him on his arms and legs. As the dog was dragging him away the tourist
was flailing around in the dust and yelled, "I thought you said your
dog didn't bite!" The old man replied, "Ain't my dog."

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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an
assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with
a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by
one began to tell their stories

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a
lot of egg-laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market
in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when
we hit a big bump in the road and all
the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the
teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said,
"Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market.
We had a dozen eggs one time, but when
they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the
moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens
before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah."

"Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my
Aunt Karen.
Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm
and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all
she had was a bottle of whiskey,a machine gun
and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it
wouldn't break and then she landed right in the
middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun
until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete till
the blade broke.

And then she killed the last ten with her bare
hands.

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what
kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that
horrible story?"

"Stay the Hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been
drinking."

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Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a
grocery bag?

A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children
to play with & the other is used to carry groceries.