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Jokes part 2
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got
two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and
says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties
them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains
Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover
that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts
them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks,
"What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that
the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back
to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets
him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling
something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I
can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
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One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was
told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven
right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on
his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven
would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the
next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy. As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, Minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they Saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centerfold.
Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their
friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women. Jon replied "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After every time we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, 'Damn income taxes'!" 
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A new department store announced that it was going to
give out free TVs to the first 100 people who came to the
store on its Grand Opening Day.
The store was scheduled to open at 9:00 am, but people
were already camped out in front of the store by 6:00 am,
determined to receive their free TV.
When it was almost 9:00 am, a little old man walked up to
the front of the line, and casually stepped in front of the
first man in line, a big, burly man who had been there since
6:00 am. The big guy wasn't about to let this old guy cut
in front of him, so he pushed the old man out of his way
with all of his might!
The little old man got up, dusted himself off, and walked
in front of the big burly man a second time.
Once again, he was pushed away by the big man, yet he
got up, dusted himself off again, and stepped between the
big, burly man and the door a third time!
This kept happening until finally, a policeman heard the
noise and rushed over to hear what the fight was about.
"Well," said the big burly man, "I was here at the front of
the line since early this morning, and this old man had the
nerve to just push in front of me to the head of the line!"
When asked to tell his side of the story, the little old man
replied, "What that man said is correct. I did push in front
of him several times, and if he keeps shoving me away,
I'm not going to open the store!"
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