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The 5 funniest jokes ever :D
A lady was standing on a street corner waiting
for a bus when she happened to notice a weight
machine. She fumbled through her purse for a
dime and went over to the machine and inserted
the coin.
Out came a card that said "You weigh 126 pounds.
and in 30 seconds you will pass gas".
Sure enough, after 30 seconds, she passed wind.
Astonished that the machine was correct, she
found another dime and returned to the weight
machine.
After inserting the coin, out popped another card
that read" you still weigh 126 pounds and in 30
seconds, you will be ravished"
Again, after 30 seconds, 2 men came out of an
alley, dragged her back into the alley and
attacked her.
Afterward, fumbling through her purse, she
managed to find another dime. She dragged
herself over to the weight machine and put in
her last dime. Again a little card popped out
that said, "you still weigh 126 pounds, and
while you were farting and fooling around, you
missed your bus".
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A brother and a sister went to the park to play.
They came home and mom asked them how the park
was.
"Look mom, we found this really funny looking
white balloon!"
Mom shrieks at the sight of the latex balloons,
knowing what they really were, and sends the
two children off to wash their hands. Once in
the bathroom, the sister says: "Boy, mom sure
was upset at us."
"Yeah," said the brother "I'm just glad we didn't
tell her we ate the white yoghurt inside the
balloon." 
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So, the tyrannical sergeant major is called
to the Colonel's office: "Smith's mother has
just died can you tell him?"
So the sergeant calls his men to the parade ground....
"Squad attention!, Smith your mother's dead!",
squad dismissed'.
Smith walks away tears streaming down his face.
Later on the Colonel tells the sergeant that
Smith's father has also died and can he break
the news gently this time. So once again sergeant
calls his men to the parade ground...
"Squad attention! All those with fathers take one
step forward. Smith where the hell do you think
your going!"
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A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother
said her breasts would increase in size each time a man says,
"Pardon" to her.
She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man
and he said,"Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and
she was ecstatic. The next day, she bumped into a man in the
grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added
to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven!
She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who
bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior."
The next day, the headline in the local newspaper says, "Chinese
Waiter Crushed to Death!"
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An Italian man was in a bad car accident and after months of recovery he
still has a problem. He has to have his penis amputated. He goes to see
the doctor and the doctor reassures him that he can help him. "First of
all you have to pick a new penis" says the doctor. The doctor picks up a
box from his table and says" This is our 6 inch standard model. It is
dependable and will cost you only $6000. It comes with a lifetime
guarantee. The man says "Okay, that's about right but I have a question.
What's in the other box?" "This is our 10 inch super model. 10 inches of
muscle to please any women. But for this you have to pay $10,000!!"
The man says " oh yea, that's the one I want. My wife will love me forever.
But does it also come with a lifetime guarantee?" "Yes" "Well what's in
that other box?" The doctor picks up yet another box from his desk.
"This is our super deluxe model. It's 12 inches of all beef and will
drive all the ladies wild. But if you want this much power you gotta pay
$12,000 for it!" The man is really on a roll and is tickled pink. "Doc,
that's it, that's the one for me. I'll be the envy of everyone I know.
But does it have a lifetime guarantee?" "Yes sir" Then the man says he
has just one more question. "Does it come in White?"
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