A Redneck calls 911:

"Hello, is this the Police?"

"Yes, What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Mike Fitzpatrick! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir".

The next day, the Police Officers descend on Mike's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood but find no marijuana. They curse, swear at, and apologise to Mike and leave....

The next day the phone rings at Mike's house.

"Hey, Mike! Did the Police come to your house?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, Buddy."
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Akmed came to the United States from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor.

The doctor said, "Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

Akmed took the bucket, went into the other room, shit in the bucket, pissed on the shit, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was it?"

The doctor said, "You were homesick."
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A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent... stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

Good day
Abydos

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All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy !!