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Jokes part 32
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and
he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly
three weeks since he's eaten anything
besides what he could forage and he's been
reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in
the woods. It has vines covering most of it
and the man can't see any other buildings in
the area. However, he sees smoke coming out
of the chimney implying someone is home.
He knocks on the door and a bearded old man
answers. The old man squints his eyes and says,
"What do you want?"
The young man says, "I've been lost for the
past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal
or sleep since that time. I would be most
gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in
your house for a night."
The old Chinese man says, "I'll let you come
in on one condition: You cannot mess around
with my granddaughter."
The man, exhausted and hungry, readily agrees
saying, "I promise I won't cause you any
trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."
The old Chinese man replies, "Ok, but if I do
catch you then I'll give you the three worst
Chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"Agreed," the man said as he entered the old
house. Besides, he thought to himself, what
kind of woman would live out in the wilderness
all her life?
That night, when the man came to eat after
cleaning up, he saw how beautiful the
granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl,
and while he had only been lost three weeks,
it had been many, many months without
companionship. As the girl explained she had
only seen the occasional monk besides her
grandfather, they both couldn't keep their eyes
off each other throughout the meal.
Later that night, the man snuck into the girl's
bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept
the noise down to a minimum. When their love
act was finished, the man crept back to his
room thinking to himself, "Any three torture
tests would be worth it after that experience."
The next morning the man awoke and felt something
heavy pressing on him. He opened his eyes and
there was a huge rock on his chest. On the rock
was a sign saying, "1st Chinese torture test:
50 kg rock on your chest."
"What a lame torture test," the man thought to
himself as he got up and walked over to the
window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock
out. On the backside of the rock was another sign
saying, "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock
tied to RIGHT testicle."
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window
to be grabbed, jumped out the window after the
rock. Outside the window was a third sign saying
"3rd worst Chinese torture test: LEFT testicle
tied to bedpost."
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The Pentagon recently found it had too many Generals and offered an early
retirement bonus.
They promised any General who retired immediately his full annual benefits
plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two
points on the General's body, with the General getting to select any pair of
points he wished.
The first General was from the Air Force. He asked the pension clerk to
measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He
walked
out with a check for $720,000.
The second man, an Army General, asked the pension clerk to measure from
the tip of his up-stretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out
with a check for $960,000.
The third General was a grizzled old Marine from Texas. He told the
pension man, "Son, I want you to measure from the tip of my penis all the
way to my testicles."
The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine General might like to
reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two Generals had
received.
The Marine General insisted, "No sir, you heard right. Go ahead and
measure".
The pension expert said that would be OK, but that he'd better get a
medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer attended and asked the General to drop 'em. He did.
The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and
began to work back. "My God!" he said, "where are your testicles?"
"Vietnam," the General replied.
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A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true
that people can be taken apart like machines?"
"Of course not, where did you hear such
nonsense?" replied his mother.
The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy
was talking to someone on the phone, and he
said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."
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When the new school year started the history teacher was so excited because there were three little Indian boys in her class. She was beside herself with excitement. So she asks the first little Indian boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he was from and how he knows this.
The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice " I am a Cherokee. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land. This is Cherokee land. So, I know I am a Cherokee."
The teacher says very good and asks the next little Indian boy to stand.
The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice " I am a Comanche. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land. This is Comanche land. So, I know I am a Comanche."
The teacher is growing more excited by the moment and asks the last little Indian boy to stand up.
The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice " I am a Fuckawee".
The teacher looks dumb founded & says "I don't think there is any such tribe as the Fuckawee."
The little boy says, "My Father & I walked for many days and many nights, and many nights and many days. We ran out of water, but we kept walking. With no rest, we were getting weary. Finally, one day my Father stops and with his hand to shield the sun from his eyes, looks around.
"He said hummmm, where the Fuckawee"
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During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing.
The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?"
The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator.
As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?"
The navigator told him how he hit his dick against the table.
The captain replied, "Well, in the future you better be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo missed!"
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