A man was walking around a new town, looking for a
place to eat, when he spotted a restaurant called
"Anything You Want". A notice on the window read
"We can fix any dish you ask for - if we don't have
it, you will be paid $200".

Thinking this was a pretty good deal, the man went
in and sat down at a table. The waitress came over
to take his order. He said "I'll have roast elephant
on rye bread, hold the mayo."

She snapped her gum, stuck her pencil back in her
hair and walked into the kitchen.

All of a sudden, the man heard screaming and yelling,
pots and pans being thrown, and dishes breaking. The
kitchen door slammed open as the owner came charging
out. He put two one-hundred dollar bills on the
table, and said "I can't believe it. I've been in
business here for ten years, and this is the first
time I've run out of rye bread!"

----------------

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live
to be a hundred.

The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied, "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around
with women?" inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want
to live to be a hundred for?"

----------------

Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all
of his apostles and disciples to an emergency
meeting because of the high drug consumption
problem all over the earth.

After giving it much thought they reached the
conclusion that in order to better deal with
the problem, that they should try the drugs
themselves and then decide on the correct way
to proceed. It was therefore decided that a
commission made up of some of the members
return to earth to get the different types of
drugs.

The secret operation is effected and two days
later the commissioned disciples begin to
return to heaven. Jesus, waiting at the door,
lets in the first disciple:

"Who is it?"
"It's Paul"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Paul?"
"Hashish from Morocco"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
It's Mark"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
"It's Matthew"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Matthew ?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
"It's John"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring John ?"
"Crack from New York"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
It's Luke"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Luke ?"
"Speed from Amsterdam"
"Very well son, come in."

"Who is it?"
"It's Judas"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Judas ?"
"The FBI, YOU SCUMBALLS! EVERYONE ASSUME
THE POSITION AGAINST THE WALL!"

----------------

Jesus and Saint Paul are sitting in Heaven, talking about
the pollution on Earth and wondering what can be done about
mankind's filthy ways. Jesus says he's going to pop down
to Skegness to see the situation for himself, and Paul
agrees to join him. When they get there, Jesus asks what
the huge metal pipe is for.

Paul tells him it's used to take human waste out to sea
where the muck kills dolphins. So Jesus decides to take
action and strides across the waves. Walking alongside,
Paul is soon knee-deep in filthy water, while Jesus scoots
along on top of the sea. Ever hopeful of some help he
slogs on, and Jesus keeps walking on water... but soon
the water is up to Paul's chin.


"Master," he calls, "I will follow you anywhere, but I'm up
to my neck in shitty water and I think I'm going to drown."

At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Paul. "Well," he
says, "why don't you just walk on the pipe like me, you
silly fool?"

----------------

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big
house in a nice neighbourhood. Suddenly he realised there
was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed
another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple
behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door
of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered
the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.

"This is a brothel", replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

----------------

Two young boys were spending the night at their
grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt
beside their beds to say their prayers when the
youngest one began praying at the top of his
lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR
A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the
younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting
your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the
little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

----------------

A salesman rang the door bell and little
Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his
father was at home. Johnny said, "Yes."

The salesman said, "Well, can I see him
please?"

Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in
the shower."

Then the salesman asked if his mother was
at home.

Johnny said, "Yes." The salesman said, "Well
can I see her?"

Johnny snickered again and said, "No, she's
in the shower too."

The salesman then asked, "Do you think they
will be out soon?"

Johnny laughed this time and said "No."

The salesman asked, "Why?"

"Well", Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for
the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue."

----------------

One afternoon, a wealthy man was riding in the back of
his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the
road side. He orders his driver to stop and he gets
out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", asks
the limo riding man.

"We don't have any money for food," replies the poor
man.

"Oh, come along with me then," says the rich man.

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", the
wealthy man says to the poor man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second
man answers.

"Bring them as well!" shouts the generous man. They
all climb into the car, which was no easy task, even
for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you
are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with
you."

The wealthy man replies, "No problem, the grass at my
home is about two feet tall."