A woman went to her psychiatrist
because she was having severe problems with her
sex life.

The psychiatrist asked her many questions but
did not seem to be getting a clear picture of
her problems.

Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's
face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did he look?"

"Very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he
was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well
that's very interesting, we must look into this
further. Now tell me, you say that you have only
seen your husband's face once during sex; that
seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that
you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at us."

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In a remote little town a farmer always arrived
late to church for the Sunday Service. He would
march right to the front and sit on the first
pew. As the preacher would preach, he would
lull himself to sleep and halfway through he would
snore aloud, distracting the preacher.

Wanting to teach this farmer a lesson, one Sunday
the preacher started to preach on hell with vivid
details. As usual the farmer continued his
Sunday ritual with an even louder snore.

At the end of the sermon, the preacher stood up
straight and directly asked the congregation,
"All those who want to go to hell STAND UP!"

Startled, the farmer stood up. Looking around and
seeing the rest of the congregation sitting, he
turned to the preacher and said, "Looks like it's
only you and me Preachah!"

----------------------------

Little Red Riding Hood was talking through the woods on her way to
visit her grandmother, when suddenly a wolf jumped out from behind a
tree. "Ah-ha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you. And I'm going to eat
you!"

"Eat! Eat! Eat!" Little Red Riding Hood said angrily. "Damn it!
Doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"

------------------------------

Once upon a time a baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk.
He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my
doctor?" he asked. "Yes, I am," said the doctor. The baby said, "Thank
you for taking such good care of me during birth." He looked at his
mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" "Yes, I am," she said. "Thank
you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said. He
then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am,"
his father answered. The baby motioned him close, then poked him on
the forehead with his index finger seven times saying, "I want you to
know that THAT HURTS!"

------------------------------------

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As
he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You
aren't that good in bed either!" By midmorning, he decided he'd better
make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out
of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and
why are you panting?" "I was in bed." "What in the world are you doing
in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion."

-------------------------------------

A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his
dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he finally
gets up the courage to talk to her.

Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany
him on a date the following Saturday evening. Saturday night the man
arrives at her house with flowers and candy. To his surprise, she
answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I
am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my
parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I
should warn you, though, they are both deaf mutes."

With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to
her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine, this is a
little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent.

Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching golf on TV, and Mom is busy
knitting. After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom jumps from
her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a
glass of water over her fanny. Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself
across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind.
He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in
front of his eye.

The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is
shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes, the daughter
returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a
complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the on
goings earlier in the living room.

At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I
done something wrong?" "No, its not you," he replied, "It's just that
the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am
still a bit shocked. Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair,
lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of
water over her behind.

Then, as if that weren't enough, your Father races from his chair,
leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back
down and places a match stick by his eye." "Oh, is that all?" replies
the girl.

The man can't believe her casual response. "Mom was simply saying,
"Are you going to get this asshole a drink?" and Dad was replying,
"No, fuck him - I'm watching the match."

--------------------------------

A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning
and discovered a dead mule in the church yard.

He called the police.

Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the
police referred the pastor to the health department.
They said since there was no health threat that he
should call the sanitation department. The manager
of the sanitation department said he could not pick
up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now the pastor knew the mayor and was not to eager
to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was
generally hard to deal with, but the pastor called
him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began
to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said,
"Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to
bury the dead?"

The pastor paused for a brief prayer and asked
the Lord to direct his response. He was led to
say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead,
but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"