Ok, I'm lying. It's not totally interactive at all. I just said it to make you click on the link. At least I can manage some things!

When you see MCs "toasting" (rapping) on dodgy music shows (notably SM:TV and TOTP, although coverage of the Notting Hill Carnival and the ever-hilarious DanceStar awards ceremony provide other opportunities for making themselves look stupid while looking a bit like the Wombles), you might think there's a load of skill and practice involved in the art.

Let me explode this myth!! I can see there only being three steps involved - the name, the poise, and the speech. You try it:



(1) The Name

[a] The first step to becoming a Craig David-a-like is to have the name. How to get the name is more straight forward than you would imagine. For ease of use, my example is going to be BBC traitor Des Lynham. Take all the consanants (i.e. not a,e,i,o,u, or y) from your surname until you get to the first vowel:

Lynham >> becomes >> ynham

[b] Take all the consanants of your first name up until the first vowel, discard your Christian name, and put them after a "The" in inverted commas:

Des >> es (take D)

put D after "The" and before surname >> "The Dynham" Lynham

If it isn't actually a word, that's really good. If it is a word spelt incorrectly, brilliant. If it IS spelt correctly, you are destined to be a UK Garage MC:

MC "The Dine 'Em" Lynham

Exactly. You have a go. You'll be changing your business card within days!!



(2) The Poise

With a name you are well on your way to performing in a drug-infested basement in Peckham. But you need the look. It's easy - put a stone in your shoes. This will cause discomfort and cause you to walk like a man with no legs (giving the desired effect). You need to "ice yo'self up" with rings, necklaces, bracelets, earrings, pendants, and fluffy dice (not sure where you put the fluffy dice, but that's beside the point).

Go to your local hairdressers and ask them to make your hair all bobbly. They'll no doubt reply "What the hell are you on? You want a slap?" Don't worry. Go see your Gran and borrow a tea cosy. Put it on your head. Convince people you are beginning to look like Craig David.

Make sure you are suitably equipped with some stubble and shave your facial hair so it looks like the strap policemen have on their helmets. Cock your head to one side so everything is permenantly slanted and encourage others to do the same.



(3) The Speech

With the look, you need the speech to cap it all off. Finish this paragraph with the words below:



"Look Miss!" I exclaimed, pointing to a nook under the roots of one twisted tree. "Winter is not here yet. There's a little flower up yonder, the last bud from the multitude of bluebells that clouded those turf steps in June with a lilac mist. Will you clamber up, and pluck it to show papa?"

Cathy stared a long time at the lonely blossom trembling in its earthy shelter, and replied, at length: "No, I'll not touch it: but it looks melancholy, does it not, Ellen?"



Replace & Insert :: "Aye" | "Remix" | "Bo" | "How D'ya Like My" | "Boooom!" | "Crap garage acts" | "Sunship" | "Dance Star 2001" | "Craig David all over your boing"

In case you were wondering, this is the correct answer. If you got all these right, please apply to Relentless Records.



"Bo!" I exclaimed, pointing to Sunship under the roots of one twisted tree. "Winter is not here yet, aye. There's a little Craig David all over your boing up yonder, the last remix from the multitude of crap garage acts that clouded Dance Star 2001 in June with a lilac mist. Will you clamber up, and pluck it to show papa?"

Cathy stared a long time at the lonely Sunship trembling in its crap garage act, and replied, at length: "Booooom! How d'ya like my?"

That was from Wuthering Heights, by the way (not the second bit!). Chapter 22. I look forward to hearing your new joint on Massive Out-Of-Time Beats with Uninterpretable Vocals Vol 6.

___________________

The Midnight Collective MySpace