There were these two priests who rode bikes to church every Sunday. Well one day one of the priests showed up to work without his bike. The other priest asked where his bike was. The other priest said, "I don't know, but I think it got stolen!"

The other priest said, "Well what you do is read off the ten commandments, and when you get to "Thou Shall Not Steal" someone will confess to the crime."

The next time the two saw each other the priest had his bicycle back. "I see you got your bike back! Did you do what I said?," the one priest said.

The other said, "Well kind of, when I was reading the commandments and I got to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery, I seemed to remember where I had left it."

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Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw his wife flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help. A trout fisherman ran up.

The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I"ll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But it's actually my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

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An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared.

The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, and the souls of your children."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

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This bloke goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle."

"A fottle? That's a stupid name. Can you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton." "And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton."

"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that."

"In that case," says the bloke, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

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One queer decides to have a tattoo done. On arrival to the tattooist he spots a picture of Evander Holyfield. "Oh he's my favourite darling.... can you do him on the cheek of my arse??" he asked the tattooist. So it was done.
On the way out of the store he spots another picture on the wall this time Mike Tyson. "Oh good lord " the queer bloke blurted out. "I just adore big Mike, can you do him on my other cheek please lovey" So it was done.
On returning home his boyfriend says " Well drop your trousers, give us a look."
Queer bloke 1 dropped his pants to reveal his arse. To which the boyfriend returned in fright,

"I think our relationship is over, because I sure as Hell ain't getting in the ring with those two"