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Jokes part 76
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"
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Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Brad exclaims. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."
The nurse says, "He's happy now, ... but just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass."
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A sign in the window of a bar advertised for a Piano Player and one day a scroungy looking old guy entered the bar asking about the job. The bartender was put off by the man's looks, but pointed him to the piano in the corner.
As the old man began to play, the room was filled with the most beautiful, melodious music anyone in the bar had ever heard. During the song, all talk stopped and when the music ended, the patrons leaped to their feet; yelling and applauding wildly.
"Hey, Old Timer," said the barkeep. "You're really good. What was that beautiful song?"
"I call it 'Drop them panties Momma, I'm gonna do ya all night long."
Momentarily stunned, the bartender held his temper and said, "Interesting title, Do you have another?" The old man nodded and broke into a foot stomping honky-tonk piece that brought the bar patrons to their feet. The crowd clapped along until it was finished, then broke into a thunderous round of applause and filled his tip mug to overflowing.
"You are amazing," exclaimed the barkeep. "Just amazing! What do you call that one?"
"Oh, that's a little ditty I call 'I wanna spank yer bare butt, baby, till you scream and holler.'
Then, he rose, excused himself and shuffled off to use the restroom.
While he was gone, the patrons begged the bartender to give the eccentric old musician the job. So, when the old man returned, the barkeep said, "Mister, you are the greatest piano player I've ever heard. If you want the job, it's yours."
Suddenly, the barkeep noticed that the man had not finished his trip to the restroom. Not wanting to embarrass the old fellow, he leaned toward him and whispered, ...... "Sir, do you know your pecker's hanging out for al the world to see?"
"Know it?" the geezer grinned. "Hell, I WROTE IT !"
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Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country with only dirt access roads. His tame bear had been naughty that day so he put him in the barn and said "you stay here until you learn how to behave yourself".
Shortly afterwards it begin to rain (a real heavy down pour). About an hour later a travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the Farmer for a place to stay. The Farmer told him he didn't have room in the house, however he could stay in the barn. He told the salesman there were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn. The Farmer said the bear would not bother him. The salesman went to the barn. Later another travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and the Farmer told him about the barn - no lights and the tame bear. Salesmen left for barn.
One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the Farmer. He told her about the barn and mentioned the two travelling salesmen (he was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention the bear). The woman told the farmer that she could take care of herself and left for the barn.
Two hours later the Farmer was awakened by heavy knocking at the door. When opening the door the woman was standing there with her clothes torn and rumpled.
The Farmer said "Good heavens, what happened to you?"
The woman replied "I give up on human nature... the first guy gave me forty dollars, the second guy gave me fifty dollars, but that cheap bastard in the fur coat never even said thanks"
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John and his wife Mary were having a shower
together when the doorbell rang. Mary heard
the bell, got out of the shower, wrapped a
towel around her, went downstairs, and opened
the door.
Their neighbour Charlie looked at her from
the doorway and said, "Oh, I see that I got
you out of the shower. Sorry about that."
"That's all right," Mary said, "What do you want?"
"Not too much... my goodness you have beautiful
skin. It's so pink from the shower. Mary, if I
was to give you a hundred pounds, would you
remove the towel from your upper body?"
Mary thought about it for a minute, figured why
not for a hundred pounds, and then removed the
towel from her breasts.
"Wow", Charlie exclaimed, "they are truly
beautiful. Listen, for another hundred pounds
would you consider taking the towel all the way
off?"
Why not, Mary thought, that's a lot of money,
and she dropped the towel completely to the floor.
Charlie had a good look, complimented her again
on her fine looking body, reached into his pocket,
took out two hundred pounds, gave it to her and
left.
As she got back upstairs and was getting back
into the shower, John asked her who was at the
door.
"Just Charlie", she said,as she started to rub
his back.
"Charlie eh", said John, "Did he give you the
two hundred pounds he owed me?"
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A group of third, fourth and fifth graders
accompanied by two female teachers went on
a field trip to the local race track to
learn about thoroughbred horses and the
supporting industry. During the tour some
of the children wanted to go to the toilet
so it was decided the girls would go with
one teacher and the boys would go with the
other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited
outside the men's toilet, one of the boys
came out and told her he couldn't reach the
urinal. Having no choice, she went inside
and began hoisting the little boys up by their
armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice
that he was unusually well endowed for an
elementary school child. "I guess you must be
in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh,
riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift though."
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One day, a girl walk to her mother and look at
her mother's hair and sadly said: "Why are
some of your hair white mom?"
The mother replied, "Well, every time that you
do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy,
one of my hairs turns white.
The girl thought about this revelation a while,
and then said, "Momma, how come *all* of
grandma's hairs are white?"
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The young couple invited their aged parson for
Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen
preparing the meal, the minister asked their
son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth,
"Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to
Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner
today as any other day.'"
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There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?" "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand and asks all those present, "Okay... who's phone is this?"
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