A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.

As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.

This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day. The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear...

"I thought I told you yesterday to get the fuck out of here."

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There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the supermarket. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man insisted he only needed half a head. The boy agreed to ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said: "Hey, boss, there's some idiot out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." Suddenly, the boy turns to find the man standing right behind him. He quickly added: "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager called on the boy and said: "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier. I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out trouble. You think on your feet and we like that around here." The manager continued: "Where are you from son?"

The boy replied: "Canada sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.

"They're all just whores and hockey players up there!" said the boy. "My wife is from Canada!" exclaimed the manager.

"Oh, really!" said the boy. "Which team did she play for?"

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A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is lathering him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber. He takes a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer, saying, "Just place this between your cheek and gum while I shave each side."

The customer places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds as planned and the result on the first cheek is obviously the closest shave the man has ever experienced. As the barber is finishing the second cheek, the customer asks in garbled speech: "And what if I swallow this thing?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

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Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, You must be a major DORK. Don't you read the freakin' tags you little loser? All toys get made in China! I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. And NO you little dweeb - reindeers can't fly. But they sure taste good with A-1 sauce!
Santa

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Dear Santa, I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey

Dear Joey, Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your freakin house. Then you'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with!
Santa