A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work, and
everyone was encouraged to bring their children.

All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old
girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl
could hardly eat her food from staring. The man checked
his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place,
but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his
best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for
him. He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the
table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink
like a fish!"

--------------------

President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches
the Pearly Gates of Heaven. "And who might you be?" inquires
St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the
United States and Leader of the Free World."

"Oh....Mr. President! What may I do for you?" asks St.
Peter.

"I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.

"Sure," says the Saint. "But first you have to confess
your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?"


Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana,
but you can't call it `dope-smoking' because I didn't inhale.
There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but
you can't call it 'adultery' because I didn't have full
'sexual relations.' And I made some statements that were
misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't call it
'bearing false witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't
meet the legal standard of perjury."

With that St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly,
and declares, "Okay, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere
hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there indefinitely,
but we won't call it 'eternity.' And when you enter, you
don't have to "abandon all hope," just don't hold your
breath .......

waiting for it to freeze over."

-----------------------------

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender
here?"

---------------------------------

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a
bad illness and only a year to live. So he decided to talk
to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he
asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or
early '80 model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go
get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy
yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."

The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you
do have seem like forever."

-------------------------------

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items.
She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking
on the phone with his back turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check
me out, please?"

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked
her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."

-----------------------------

A priest was walking down his street one day when he noticed
a very small boy trying to press the doorbell on a house.
The boy was very short and the doorbell was too high for
him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the
priest moved closer to the boy. He crossed the street,
walked up behind the little fellow, placed his hand kindheartedly
on the child's shoulder leaned over and gave the doorbell
a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiled
benevolently and asked, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replied, "Now we run!"

--------------------------------------

A car breaks down along the highway one day, so the
driver eases it over onto the shoulder. He jumps out of
the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in long
black trench coats.

The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and
start exposing themselves to all the oncoming traffic.
This results in one of the worst pile-ups.

When the police questioned him why he put two deviates
along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down
and was just using my emergency flashers!"