Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you
is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron.
- George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started
walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today
and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneres


I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no
pain. - Carol Leifer

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't.
So I grew hair under my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes
they would not be caught dead in otherwise. - Roger Simon


A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt
bulbs in business. - Shelley Berman

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots
wore helmets. - Dave Edison

If law school is so hard to get through, how come there
are so many lawyers? - Calvin Trillin

Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I
wish I could. It's like having a little pet for your face.
- Anita Wise

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared
for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without
arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. - Johnny
Carson

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you
can find a rock. -Will Rogers

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television
by candlelight. - George Gobel